03 Mar 2014
in Attitudes, faith, God, Gratefulness, hope, patience, Poetry, prayer, reflection, Spiritual
Tags: faith, Poetry
The thing is, that no matter how low you go, the great thing about valleys is that there will always be… Well, not valleys.
I think that my problem is that I have always looked for the mountain top high. My best friend and I were having a conversation today and she shared a little story about how when she was a little girl she remembers when she made a conscious effort to not expect more. It was a sad story (maybe another post) but we ended up laughing, deciding that;
Expecting less out of life may save us from disappointment but it would be sad to go through life only to find that your only joy may be… not being disappointed because you expecteded less.
When I was in my twenties a friend gave a few of us prayer tins as a party favor at a luncheon she threw for our friend’s birthday. Each one had blank cards inside waiting for our prayers. Her only instructions were not to open them until all the blank cards had been filled out and placed in the tin for three years. That little tin was packed away in-between the three year waiting period during a move in a box with journals and other personal books. Life went on and I lived it as a young mother in a struggling marriage. The tin had been filled and forgotten.
Years later I found it again and I sat in my cozy little home, one rainy afternoon as I emptied out the little tin onto the floor and began unfolding dozens of prayer requests that I’d written to my Lord in quiet desperation.
Remembering the time in my life when I’d written them all, believing each time that I inserted a new one that some how it was magically reaching Heaven from my pen to God’s eyes. And you know what I discovered? Every single one had been answered. Maybe not the way that I’d envisioned it but in a way that had been good for me and made my life better.
Oh Little Prayer tin
forgotten in a box
holding all my pleas,
I thought that you were lost
I recall the times when
I fed you every prayer
if ANYONE would care
You hold a special message
I needed to see today
That God answers if you ask
regardless of the way
HE hears our heart felt prayers
and listens to our pleas
whether we are standing
or we are on our knees
He sees the folded prayer requests
folded in a tin
long after we have written them
and sent them up to HIM
HE is at work answering
long after our request
All inside a little tin I found
my faith had passed the test.
Seriously, it is kind of a pretty neat exercise. Keep a prayer journal or start a prayer tin, and then look back a few years later and see how many of your requests were answered. It is really amazing how God really does hear us and how we always are so surprised to see how faithful HE truly is!!!!!
28 Feb 2014
in abusive relationships, affirmation, character, emotional abuse, faith, God, healing, hope, Love, Poetry, reflection, Self affirmation, Soul, Spiritual, STRENGTH, Survivial, trust, validation
Tags: Lamb, poem, Shepherd, Surviving the past
What is failure? Everything about the word stings. I think in the end, it is like everything else, a choice. We look at the glass as half full or half empty. We look at failure as rejection or opportunities to try again. In my life I have recently been on a downhill spiral. I have allowed myself to shut down. My life was interrupted in a way that I could never have predicted at a time in my life when I needed a change. I reacted in a way I never could have imagined and only now am beginning to recover. Trying to understand the notion of who I am. I mean really Who Am I?
Have you ever felt crazy? I am not sure what crazy is. Perhaps it is carrying around a version of someone else inside your body. You function, you exist, you let this thing called a body carry you around and yet you don’t connect with it or anyone around it. You just kind of fake it. I think in a way, that has happened to me twice in my lifetime. The first time I think I was unaware what was happening and the second, well it just blindsided me.
I was raised in a home which had its own issues but for the most part it was a loving and good one. When I started dating, I was pretty innocent. I didn’t have a lot of experience and I got involved in a pretty abusive relationship. A little physically, but most of it was emotionally, and the damage was so great then that it has impacted me all these years later, I have carried the damage with me, trying to deny it. I have struggled with different issues all of my life stemming back to those days. Though, I’d really thought that I was past it all. But something happened recently that made me wonder if I’d been faking everything about who I’d convinced myself that I was.
Where I was reasonable, I was foolish, where I was truthful, I was shady, where I was faithful, I was non-committal. I craved a “soft place to fall” and looked for it in all the wrong places. My final stand was that it was MY TURN and I was going to make me happy “finally”. I started losing weight and taking care of the body that was carrying me around whoever I was. But I was in this fog of instant gratification. And for a while, I can’t deny it. I liked the feeling.
But there is this place in all of us… the part of the “me” that we know that we are. The place that brings tears to our eyes if we stay there too long. Where we feel love and pain and we are REAL and I am not sure if that is where home is or our heart or soul. A place where we still can get healthy and feel good about ourselves for the right reasons. A place that is the keeper of our heart. And for some of us… that place may be hard to find. We may have lost the key but yet… I know that is where God is always waiting. And somehow I always manage to find my way back there. And you know what? He still remembers me. Even though I think that ”this time” I may have fallen out of HIS grace. He still remembers and loves me anyway. It is not about being crazy, or failure or guilt. HE is that soft place. When I ask; “Who am I?” He replies You are my lamb.
Still My Lamb
I couldn’t stand the world’s pain
and so I ran away
like the lone lamb from the flock,
I was the one who strayed.
I fell from grace still clinging,
hanging to life’s limb
as the Hand Of Life came down,
the one, that belonged to HIM
He left the nintey nine
to come and set me free
I didn’t understand why
He’d do that just for me
I asked Him “Why My Lord?
You don’t know who I am.”
He said, “Oh my child yes I do,
you are still my lamb.”
20 Feb 2014
in Memories, Mistakes, Perspective, reflection, Relationships, Survivial, tragedies, True Love, Wisdom, Writing my book, young love
Tags: Blog, Jack, Keri, Revelation, Writing
As I have recently taken time to work on my book and go back in my memories to gather information. It has been like therapy for me. And what I have come to realize does not only apply just to young love but to true love…. It has boggled my mind that I have not figured this out until now! After living well into five decades, I am baffled that it has just come to me so clearly during this Valentine’s Day month….and it is this: There are two kinds of love. One is TRUE LOVE and one is… well, it is… just not! And in writing my book and amidst decades of confusion, and a few broken hearts, I think I may have figured it out.
Let me explain… I have been loved two ways in my lifetime (a few times) And there really are not a lot of options other than two. True love is loving someone purely because you love them for who they are. Almost like a parent loves a child. It is an unselfish love. A hard to explain kind of love. A love you because of who you are kind of love. The second kind of love is a selfish kind of love. They do things for you to get something back. They give you gifts, they woo you, they promise you the moon… all for their own gain. Not that true love can’t give you genuine from the heart, unselfish well thought out gifts and promise you things to the moon and take you there too… but it is all in knowing which kind of love you are receiving and that my friends is where the trick comes in!
As you know, our emotions can get in the way and whether we are ten and writing notes or fifteen in the backseat of a car or fifty in the back seat of a car! Some of us just don’t stop and think. Age should provide a guage and for most of us it does, but sometimes our hearts have so many holes in them we just want that FAST fix-it job, trying to fill them up the best way we know how. And sometimes that does not mean with our brains kicked in or with a lot of patience.
I think that God designed love in this amazingly perfect way. He mapped it all out for us and and gave us the best example first. A mother’s love. The problem with that is… some mothers suck at loving. And sadly some even only give their children the second kind of love. They only know how to love selfishly and so they in turn don’t teach their kids how to love correctly and then their kids grow up to love other kids that may have had mothers that sucked at loving them and they find each other in that messed up kind of loving way they have kids and so on and son… and well, we all know how messed up this world is. Even though God Himself has provided some pretty good Mother Love examples.
And if we do it HIS way and wait and get to know WHO we are loving, we could save ourselves a lot of pain. But then who does that? And even if some of us do… it is no guarantee that even if they had the best kind of mother’s love there wasn’t some glitch and they just didn’t get it! Arghhhh!!!!
I guess since this month is coming to a close and I didn’t really get a chance to blog about Valentine’s Day because I was so busy with my project on my other blog: http://kerisjournal.wordpress.com/ where I was feeling a little cynical there focusing on a relationship with a selfish kind of love and am coming to terms with a mother in that story that affected a lot of lives. I had to stop here and make a side note of how grateful I am for truly WAKING UP and recognizing TRUE LOVE for what it really is…. It is not what you can get out of it, it is what you can give, it is not how happy you are all the time, it is about how happy you can make the other person…. it may not always doing what you want… it may be bigger… like moving somewhere away from your friends and family for his or her job for a while, or going on a vacation you really didn’t want to go on because they did… or letting them choose the restaurant or movie for a change… or even as simple as watching a differnt TV show and then not keeping tabs about who owes who, because love is not about owing. It is about giving and not needing anything in return!
16 Feb 2014
in Attitudes, Best Friends, Care takers, Church, courage, Divine Appointments, faith, Finding a church, friendship, future, God, Good friends, greatfulness, growing older, healing, illness, Life Journey, Love, Making new friends
Tags: ALS, faith, Friendship, Lou Gherig's Disease, strength
When we were in the process of opening up our store Rose In The Woods This nice man with kind eyes started stopping in pretty regularly just to chat. He began showing up even when there was still paper on the windows and we were still setting up. I remember him peeking in one day, he seemed so interested so I invited him in.
Even though it was pretty much more of a female type store, he said he was sure his wife would love it. I remember him being one of our first customers, buying his wife some little mice figurines.
When he was getting his wallet out he mentioned his hands. I don’t think that at that point, that I would have ever noticed them, if he hadn’t pointed them out but he shared that he had been diagnosed with Lou Gherig’s Disease a few years earlier. He also shared how his wife Michele, was helping to counteract it’s onset by being pro-active with her own research in nutrition and vitamins along with their strong faith in God. We began talking about where he attended church and I remember thinking that I wouldn’t mind going where he went.
He told me that his name was Chris Pickens and I couldn’t explain it then, but as I look back now, I know he was planting seeds. There was just something different about him. It was as if I’d gone to church and been refreshed each time he visited. He would share a little something more about his life and his walk with God everytime we met and I was hooked without even realizing it. Once my husband had been behind the counter at his desk working while I’d been talking. I knew he was trying to get a print order out but I was annoyed that he had not gotten up to meet Chris.
I knew he’d like him. And later told him that next time I wanted him to get up to meet him when he came in if he happened to be sitting at his desk. I also mentioned that if we ever went to church again, I wouldn’t mind going to his. Which I think perked up my husband’s interest because at that point in my life, he was definitely more interested in finding a church than I was, because I was so busy getting the gift side of the store set up. But Chris told me that they had a great youth group at his church and since we both benefited from youth groups growing up, we wanted our daughter to experience it.
I’d met my husband at his church when a friend of mine invited me and my kids to hers when I was going through a divorce. But when we’d moved to our town where we currently lived, we just never got around to finding one. But we’d recently talked about wanting to find a good youth group for our daughter who’d just gone into Junior High. So the next time he came in, I encouraged my husband to get up and meet Chris. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to meet him, it just had never been a good time. They hit it off right away. Just as I thought that they would! And that next Sunday, we all showed up for church and it turned out to be the one that my parents had sent my daughter and her cousin to snow camp from the year before, so she knew some people and felt right at home.
A few weeks later, we were invited to a friend’s 40th surprise birthday party who we’d met at that church and we sat at Chris and Michele’s table and never looked back! We became fast friends. And Chris and my husband became the best of friends and so did Michele and I. They are those kind of friends that you feel you have known forever and through them we met Art and Pam! Two more best of the best! The guys went to Promise Keepers weekends together several times over the years and served together as leaders of the church. Until Michele and Chris moved to Southern California to be closer to family and medical facilities for Chris’s condition and Pam and Art later followed to help care for Chris, I was spoiled by being able to just pick up the phone and know that we could get together on a whim. I have a joke about the friends that I especially let into my heart… they eventually always move away! But I understand. And I am in awe of the friendship that the four of them have and that is why they are all my friends too.
And as I look back at our friendship and how it evolved, it amazes me… that we still question and prod God… begging Him to do this and that… not realizng that HE really DOES have it all planned out… all of these Divine appointments… if like Chris… we just listen and look through those paper windows when HE tells us to!!!!
Now I know that his life is just naturally Chris’s own mission field. He is like a lighthouse in this world. Regardless of his own storms he has always faithfully served His Lord! Some of us may choose to go to third world countries, some may do it from the pulpit and some may do it one seed at a time…touching lives as we go! That goes for all four of my friends that I mentioned here! They have all been on their own mission fields! I love you guys and MISS YOU!
Good Friends!!!!! (Because one listening heart kept peeking through those papered windows!)
Please pray for my friends… for Chris and his healing for Michele and her strength and for Pam and Art as they support Chris and Michele and now for Pam as she has recently learned that cancer has returned yet again. We know God is a God of miracles and that He has answered our prayers before! Please join us as we pray for this wonderful couple. I am a firm believer in this verse:
“Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matthew 18:18-20 RSV)
15 Feb 2014
in Acceptance, affirmation, Appreciation, Believing in yourself, Blog friends, Blog Report, Blogging, change of attitude, Confidence, courage, Critiques, Determination, dreams, ephifanies, Everyone's own story, Frustrated writer, growth, honesty, lessons learned, letting go, Life Journey, Life lessons, My Blog, Perseverance, Perspective, pride, process, Progression, reflection, Relationships, Self affirmation, self awareness, siblings, STRENGTH, Stubborn, Survivial, surviving, tolerance, venting, Wisdom, wordpress, Wordpress friends, Writing
Tags: attitude adjustmement, self evaluation, WordPress, Writing
After my last post on my blog it started a conversation about numbers which I thought was interesting. A lot of us say we don’t care about the numbers and yet we know how many followers we have and though I have noticed that some blogs don’t have the LIKE icon on their blogs, most do. Even in our private lives we seem to keep score to a certain extent. While my daughter and I say” I love you” freely. My son seems to feel the need to ration out his “I love you s” thinking that they will mean more to the receiver if he doesn’t say them at the end of each visit or phone call which is just a natural place for my daughter and I to say it. Well, I can say that they don’t mean more or carry any more weight than my daughter’s ten “I love you s” to his one. But I must admit that I do notice when he says “I love you” because he doesn’t say it as often. Is that what he is aiming for? I think it must annoy my daughter if I am impacted by my son’s rationed out “I love you s” though in the scheme of things… we are the ones that actually are experiencing joy more of the time but I guess it is all perspective.
I think that from the time we are little and our parents put up our refrigerator art or our teachers put our first papers up on the bulletin boards or later, read a story we handed in out loud to the class that they especially found well written…. we feel that affirmation and like it and want more. It can be an A on a paper. A membership in a club. A spot on a team. Even when someone in your family says I love you. We need it all. Can we live without it? Sure. But not without it affecting us.
I remember when my first husband and I were just married. He’d never had a birthday party before. Which I found rather odd because my mother in law was a wonderful woman. But for whatever reason she’d never given birthday parties. It affected him. And I kind of am just realizing it now. Because he sucked at birthdays.
Anyway, I decided to give him a surprise 25th. His sister came over to help. I had been raised to always say I love you as I walked out the door and so I said it when I walked out, and he said it back to me. I think his sister saw the opportunity and said it too. He didn’t say it back. It really hurt her. We talked about it later as we were getting things ready. I just told her that they hadn’t been raised that way and to not let it bother her and that she knew that he loved her. I know he did. (He really loved his niece (her little girl) I’ve always felt that if you love someone’s kid, it is a reflection of your love for them whether you ever say it or not!) Years later before he died, he said he “I love you” all the time. I think it is just a maturity thing.
I think it all starts in the beginning… how ever we start out…. even if our mom says I love you all the time to us… and puts our papers up on the refrigerators, whether we get birthday parties or never have ever had one… we may end up saying I love you everyday or ration them out… we may also end up rationing out our LIKES to only the very special posts…. which are the ones I covet. But I must say that I do care how many followers I generate and what kind of interest my posts attract and I will take a thousand I love YOUS and just the few at a time. I admit it. I want them all. I am a writer. I think that makes me a little different. I think we all need it… bit I am willing to admit it!!! I NEED AFFIRMATION!!!! to me…. It’s really not just a numbers thing. I need need to know that you like me. You really, really like me! And if you are my kids… I will take as many I love YOUs as I can get!
14 Feb 2014
in affirmation, Blog friends, Blogging, Friends from Blogging, Sharing my book, wordpress, Wordpress friends, Writing, Writing my book
Tags: Jack, journaling, Keri, Writing
I think that I am just feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. Even though I promised myself to never care about numbers. I truly never started out caring, honestly I didn’t. I started out writing this blog just for myself. But as wonderful people began stopping by, it got kind of fun meeting everyone, and kind of addicting to see who actually was reading my silly ramblings. I remember when I got twenty readers in one day and my first comment! I was beside myself with joy! So now, I am not sure what I am complaining about. I mean, I am edging towards almost thirty thousand views and a little over twelve hundred followers! And I am not bragging! I can’t believe it! But I think I got spoiled. And maybe I am pouting just a bit. Because this week I only have had 50 visits and I understand that I haven’t posted from this blog for a while because I have been working on my other blog that not everyone has found yet… and I know… Even the best authors are as important as their last best seller.
You know the ones, that their fans spent hours waiting in lines to get autographed, that are now sitting on shelves collecting dust 0r on coffee tables with condensation rings left on them from glasses filled with soda or some sweet old drinks. It just seems to me that if that poor soul is not cracking out one book after another they are just yesterday’s news… and I have to admit that it feels like I am getting a taste of that world before I have even bit into it!
Blogging kind of reminds me of Rainy Day Weather Friends. As long as we are actively cranking out daily posts, we get frequent visits. And a handful of loyal friends remain ever so faithful in your amazingness!!!! (you guys know who you are!!!! And I love you for it) Some even bother to go through other doors of past posts of long ago. I mean I have posted almost 300 posts and some have had as many as 80 LIKES some have never been read at all. It is all a mystery to me what makes someone read something. Is it the title, the tag, the category? It is hard to know. I am just as guilty. I have boundaries and time limits. And favorites. I have blogs that I will delete automatically because they post ten a day and I haven’t bothered to go back and un-follow. And I have blogs that I read every single word they write and can’t wait for their next post!
I have an author friend that I met here that wrote a wonderful book and published it check it out! http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
It is a story about a triumphant young woman who survives the challenges of being raised by a mother with mental illness. She is the kid with the story no one would believe. But who turns out to be the woman with the strength no one can’t admire! I am proud to call her my friend!
Anyway, she is the one who suggested that I attempt to write part of my book in the form of a journal written by Keri, the teenager in my book that I’ve shared on this blog (if you search for chapters here starting with chapter one and so on….)
I have to confess THAT is where I have been! I haven’t invited all of my readers of this blog there because I wanted to really see how that blog would go over. And I have to admit that at first, I saw that I could have played it off… if I didn’t feel like a total creeper! For during the time I am writing that blog… I am Keri again… remembering the pain… mixed in memories and also as a writer, in the fiction of it all as I try to figure out how to weave the story to convey the message that I ultimately want to share. (You guys are welcome to go and check it out. I’d love to hear what you think…) http://kerisjournal.wordpress.com/
Anyway, I guess as I have been hanging out over there… I have lost my momentum here… and felt WELL, okaaay, I seeee how it is… LOL…
But I understand it is like everything… Give and take. Just like a good friend who hasn’t written you for a while. I can’t expect to get a bunch of Valentines without sending them!
But I do love you guys! And didn’t want want to just be a Rainy Day Weather Friend!
Happy Valentines Day!!!!
01 Jan 2014
in Attitudes, CELEBRATE, Change, change of attitude, communication, Compassion, Goals, Gratefulness, growth, kindness, learning, Poetry, prayer, reflection
Tags: God, New Year
Happy New Year!
I must apologize for being away for so long. Rather than writing a
“Gone Fishing” or “On Vacation” post to at least let you know I wasn’t here… I kept thinking I’d be back sooner than I was… and figured that you’d figure out that I was not here all on your own!
I mean, I never even wished you guys Merry Christmas! I really can’t believe that I haven’t been here for almost a month. I never even thought that it was possible for me to stay away this long! Though I have kept up with some of the posts you guys have posted… I really wasn’t that great at doing that either!
But… I am back! And So now… what to say? I have to admit that I almost forgot how to post… it took me a few tries before I found the NEW POST key! Arghh… getting old sucks! You forget those familiar places and how to do things…. This has been my first REAL vacation in over eight years! And it has been nice not having to go to work everyday…. But I did miss my friends there and so I do look forward to seeing them!
Sooo now as I dust off the old keys I wonder… what to write…. besides my first poem of 2014 (at the end) I wanted to make a different kind of comeback for this one post… not just numbering off all of my new year’s resolutions… though I do have em….
To tell you how much I appreciate all of you guys for reading and following me. I truly feel as if I have made some special friends here and have grown to love you all. Rather than write my ususal Happy New Year Post (though I do wish you all an amazing one!) I wanted to come back in a way that reflects what I’ve learned this past year. My mother in law (the Psychologist by profession) just shared with me that we never stop learning. And our new knowledge is like tiny drops of water.
As the master of metaphors I loved that one! And may all of our cups spill over in the coming year!
But as we shared… the one thing that I think stood out more than anything was the gift she gave me when she told me…”You are not crazy Diane.” Okay, so by now you may be saying… “She HAS to say that Diane, she is your mother in law!” But seriously, sometimes I do feel a bit crazy or at least as a writer, I drive myself crazy over thinking stuff.
But I feel that by her saying that to me… a light bulb kind of clicked on, almost as if I have kind of been given permission to feel the way I feel about things. Disappointed, frustrated, sad, confused… all are okay and probably pretty relevant for what happened to make me feel the way I did in the different circumstances that come to mind, and that I am writing about… But I guess in the end, it is how we react to it all. By now we have heard it said in so many amazing ways: … It is not what is happening to us but our attitude in how we handle it.
This year I know now… that being right is not as important as being kind. And that letting things go may be healthier for me in the end than shoving my rights to be right down the other person’s metaphorical throat. I have learned that people surprise you in both good and bad ways.
I have learned that money can make people feel and do things that are despicable and generous all in your own family. And that your own children can disappoint you and make you proud on so many different levels but a parent’s love never changes. At least in my heart I know that to be true. And that babies can take everything negative and turn it all into joy just like magic!
I have learned that listening more than talking will always get you much further on the path of understanding and that being slow to say what you want to say is just about as important as being slow to react to anger. Just as I have learned that saying less is just an overall better choice all around. I have learned that life will throw you all kinds of curve balls but that faith is like a seasoned mit, the leather gets worn in the right places and we learn to catch the foul balls with ease as well as some great home run catches!
I guess in the end, I have learned that I can’t do it alone. That I need to let go and to give God the wheel. For without Him steering it is like sliding on ice.
Happy New Year my friends! May this NEW year be filled with kindness and quiet reflections, home runs and peaceful and meaningful talks filled with more listening and a safe trip through the next year with God’s hands always on the wheel!
Giving Back The Wheel
Lord, thank you for the year behind me and the things that I have learned,
for the lessons you have taught me where my path took a different turn.
Thank you for staying by me, when I forgot to invite you along,
and for loving me during the times where I know that I was wrong.
This year I know is no different, and it is just another day…
But, we somehow all feel as if we can just blot last year away…
An opportunity of fresh starts and a way to begin again,
erasing last years mistakes, like a story that has reached the end.
We turn the calendar’s page and embrace the new hope we all feel
as we metaphorically step aside, and give you back the wheel!
Happy New Year to all of my special friends that find themselves here today! May this be a year of allowing God to steer your path!
04 Dec 2013
in Appreciation, Thank you, Time, True Love, Twenty Year Anniversary Poem, Wisdom
Tags: Anniversary, Poetry, relationship, Romance
What is love?
I mean really, really really love?
It’s feeling the spark when we first said hello
and kissing you good-bye, not wanting to let go
it’s every time you’d call and the feelings I’d feel
it’s all those and more that made our love seem so real
It was dreaming the dreams of what was to come
and making me feel brilliant when I’d say something dumb!
It was the hope that I felt when we both said I DO….
and the million other things that makes our love true…
But It’s also…
the dirty laundry, budgets and bills
and loving me still, without all of the thrills.
Sometimes…. candlelit dinners or just good old Taco Bell
It’s giving me space when I’m giving you hell!
It’s loving my kids and making them yours
It’s all of my baggage that you have endured
It’s twenty years of some pretty big ups and downs
it’s sticking it out and hanging around
Ahhh yes the meaning of love has changed a bit through the years
and for me I know now it’s because you’re still here!
Happy Twentieth My Love!
In Twenty years I have learned this….
“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed,
revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”
― Audrey Hepburn
12 Nov 2013
in abusive relationships, Anger, Breaking, coming of age, courage, growth, healing, letting go, Life lessons, lost loves, Poetry
I laugh in the face of your anguish.
My revenge is in your unrest.
You came back to claim my innocence,
your anger, my last test.
You cried for my forgiveness
as you tried to steal my soul,
cleverly claiming ignorance
as you continued to dig the hole.
Planting seeds beneath the surface,
as they grew to strangle me.
You told me you were planting beauty,
when you were only sowing weeds.
Once again… I want to say that this is just for my book! I need poems that go with the stories I am writing. This is NOTHING to do with now… so no worries!
10 Nov 2013
in lessons learned, Perspective, Poetry, reflection, self worth, Wisdom
Tags: Computer Techie stuff, legacy, Making a difference, passwords, Remeberance
I don’t look for you anymore
I think it is so funny and a little metaphorical as I find myself having to click “Remember Me” constantly when signing in onto various places where I belong. Whether it is my Facebook page, my bank account, or even here at wordpress… it seems as if my accounts are never saved, even when I click the button, cyberly telling the ”powers out there” to save them. And so several times a week I have to re-insert my password on my personal laptop and phone. It may be a glitch or as my husband likes to point out; “user error” in how I have my settings set. but I thought it was comical. I am offended that my own personal computer can’t remember me!!!!
Sometimes I have felt like an old forgotten teapot on the back burner. But I have come to the conclusion that nobody can fill me up but me. And so I really am challenging myself to see things differently. To create someone that makes a difference instead of staying on that back burner of life!~
I guess my point here is; How do I want to be remembered? As a writer, I hope to make an impact, to inspire, to maybe even change somone’s point of view and mostly to touch their heart and soul. As a parent, I hope to be remembered as a memory maker of special traditions, someone who loved her kids with the kind of love that is unmatchable and gave them roots enough to ground them but wings enough to trust that they will make a difference in their own lives soaring as high as they can. As a wife I would hope that my husband would remember how I showed my love for him rather than all the other things he might recall.
I have a handful of friendships that I have carried with me over a lifetime. I am proud of those friendships because i feel that it shows character when someone invests years in cultivating something that turns into more of a family kind of love. I guess in a way, those friendships, make it less necesarry for me to add new ones to the mix. Sometimes, I am comfortable just being over the fence friends. Caring for someone at a distance. I think that I have been so hurt by people in my past that I fight the feeling of wanting to get too close too fast. And I have since realized that in doing that, I might have missed out on some great friendships. Because after all, I want to be remembered in a way that makes a difference and nothing really worth anything comes without risk! Right?
Will I have made a difference
when you remember me?
When you read my words
will you see things differently?
Will I have helped you look at things
from a different point of view?
Will having had known me
be important to you?
07 Nov 2013
in abusive relationships, affirmation, reflection, Relationships, Self affirmation, self awareness, surviving, tolerance, validation, venting, Wisdom
Tags: emotional abuse, Healing, Letting Go, reflection, regaining our power
I’ve been told that I need a lot of it… “Affirmation” that is. Who knows why? Maybe because I felt silenced when I was younger.
Or maybe just not heard. Now, I bubble my stories out to the world. Doesn’t matter if I have known you for one minute or many years. I’ve finally found a voice and my words help me connect.
Today my poor sweet husband gets much of the wrath that he does not deserve. Sometimes I feel him nudging me under the table. He says he is protecting me from me. I know he just cares, though I can’t help but feel a little offended and reeled in at times. Even though he probably is right. Maybe less is more.
But I feel I’ve been hushed for way too long. The problem is…
I have this story inside of me that I feel needs to be told. A story to empower young girls and perhaps make the men in their lives take a closer look at themselves. When I was younger I was in a very controlling relationship where I plainly just lost “me” for the sake of “him.”
Everytime I excused the way he treated me, I lost a little bit of “myself” in the process.
There is more to the story and my heart is conflicted in telling it, for I feel an odd kind of loaylty in the act of forgiveness that happened years later. I understand more now about my abuser and my heart truly does ache for him. But having acknowledged that, I feel that if just one person is taught something then the pain was not wasted. My message is that NO ONE should be hushed. Everyone’s heart deserves to be heard. I think Aibileen said it best to Mae Mobley in “The Help “ You is strong, you is smart and you is important.” If we were taught that as young girls and didn’t allow anyone to come and challege it, there would be fewer young women in the world allowing the abuse that they experience.
Our opinions may not fit perfectly in the spaces that others want them to…
But we have a right to have them, just as they have a right to have theirs. Somebody needs to wake us up. Perhaps Glinda said it best to Dorothy when she said… “You had the power all along my dear.”
We All Break If We Don’t Bend
When did she leave? That part of me?
“she’d” never have allowed the pain.
I guess she didn’t want to see
the parts that still remained
like painted tea cups upon a shelf
handled with such care
always worrying they were too high
so why’d she put them there?
I know that we all have choices
in the messages we send
I can see it more clearly now…
We all break if we don’t bend.
“Forget what hurt you in the past. But never forget what it
27 Oct 2013
in aging, Attitudes, change of attitude, Depression, ephifanies, Gratefulness, hope, lessons learned, letting go, Poetry, process, Self affirmation, self awareness
Tags: happiness, Poetry, reflection, Sadness
I have had it all wrong. All of these years, I have laid back upon my past resting comfortably on it’s memories. Whether it is longing for it, or blaming it. I have bought into the theory that you can’t help what haunts you. And yet, you “can” choose to embrace TODAY. I have learned that… Tomorrow is the chain reaction to how we each live our todays. When you finally GET that your life will change from the inside out.
Yesterday I chose to embrace NOW. I enjoyed and appreciated who life put in front of me that second. And you know what? I wasn’t miracuously filled with so called joy, but I was less annoyed and simply happy. I realize that I have been stuck in a pretty sad place. People actually noticed that I was different and it made me sit up and take notice…. That people actually noticed that I was different, made me realize how they might have been seeing me before. It is not easy for me to admit that I need to work on places that are so simple and that I have been so stuck, but it is exciting to realize that I have the power to choose how I want to live my life each day.
Over the years, I have accumulated layers of sadness that I can’t deny. My heart has been broken a few times, I have been disappointed and dishonored. But those who dishonored me have done nothing more than i have done to myself by denying my own passion. If you’ve only known me for a while, you probably know I am a writer. Each day, I feel that I am getting closer to connecting with the right people and just perhaps, walking the right paths where opportunities will rise up to greet me.
All I know, is that…
You can blame, or embrace the challenges you face
You can stay in your pain, staying stuck in ”that” place
getting lost in the layers you’ve known through the years
as you collect and are the keeper of all of your tears…
Or you can choose to believe that today is God’s gift
and be part of the lesson teaching others how to live
You can rise above all the pain you’ve experienced in your life
as your message sings a song that reaches new heights!
26 Oct 2013
in passion, Writing, Writing my book
Tags: A writer is born, bits from my archives
I have come to the conclusion that in-between being a kid, a wife, a mom, single or married. Working for myself as an artist or a store owner or working for someone else, the one thing that I have always been is a writer. It is what defines me. I have filled books with ideas and half started stories I have written poems and lyrics for songs. I have a million, trillion words inside of me that I want to share.
I have listened and asked questions. I have read a thousand books and I have come to the conclusion that everyone has a story worth telling. We all can learn lessons from each other and so I feel that… we ALL should really be writers. But I “get” that some (well probably most normal people) don’t have the “need” to share their stories. Their words are kept neatly in their brains! Thank you very much!
But I will always write! I have to. It is what I was made to do. I know that I drive people crazy by needing to know details and asking questions. I never really understood myself, why I have such a need “to know” stuff… but I think in the end… I will use everything, every little detail… to write stories that I haven’t even thought up yet!
All of us have different talents and weaknesses, sorrows and joy. We all beat to a different drum and so not everyone feels the same passion in their soul for the same thing another may. Which is a very good thing because not all teachers can design a building and not all Mechanics can assist in open heart surgery. But if that ‘thing’ that I call “magic” wasn’t squelched by life, most of us do have passion for something we want to be when we grow up, no matter how old we are. I truly feel sorry for the kid who doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up. I actually, believe that writers are born to be writers… and they know it. AND some even get to get paid for doing it .
Passion is important. It makes you get up in the middle of the night to write what is in your head or else you feel as if you will burst kind of passion.
Sometimes it does kind of get in the way of life, when I have to get up early for a job and I have been writing all night, those ideas don’t always happen at the most convenient of times…. But no matter how inconvenient… I am glad I have it. When I was little, I’d escape my world of pain, by just opening a book. Each page I turned, had me slipping into a world far away from my own problems. Long ago, I knew that I wanted to do that for others. Writing is a gift that can make the whole world go away or bring it straight to our front door through the archives of our memories.
A singer has to sing. An actress has to act, an artist has to create, a dancer has to dance and a doctor has to heal. A carpenter has to build, a comedian has to cause laughter, a swimmer has to swim and a writer has to write! Like a florist in her garden who takes time to smell the flowers, a writer’s words have their own sweet aroma that only her soul can smell.
18 Oct 2013
in abusive relationships, Believing in yourself, Confidence, emotional abuse, fragile, Goodbye, growth, healing, honesty, letting go, Life Journey, Loss, Memories, Perspective, Poetry, Relationships, self worth, STRENGTH, Survivial, Wisdom, young love
Tags: Closing doors, moving on, Poetry
Looking back into the mirror,
a reflection of my past…
The doors I chose to walk through
and the ones I closed too fast…
Messages I never got
and the ones that I received…
the ones I knew were just your lies
and the ones that I believed
all pour through my memory
like rain beating on my heart
years are not the only thing
that have torn my dreams apart.
and made me see the strength in me
as I gather them up with care
and move on to another day
where I won’t find you there
14 Oct 2013
in Poetry, Writing
Tags: Poetry, reflection, Writing
The other day, my good friend Sandy, a great writer herself, sent me a quote on how writing is courageous and how we put our flesh and blood down on paper and what a powerful thing we do, allowing someone in our mind of tangled and beautiful thoughts, in a way saying “here, untangle me.” And it inspired me to write this…
I invite you inside of me,
past the paper and the words,
past the adjectives and nouns,
between the errors and adverbs…
to see the rawest part of
the pain that I feel
the fantasies I wite about
that I wish could be real.
The joy in the
very depth of my soul,
the triumphs and failures
that lead to my goals
you have followed me on every journey
and walked on every path.
You’ve been there through my tears
and know what makes me laugh.
Each word has been a trail,
weaved throughout my written life.
I give you each a part of me
in every word I write.
14 Oct 2013
in Book in progress, Chapter Nine, Critiques, Editing, first draft, Writing my book
This is a revised version of the very last chapter that I published (a while ago) from my book that is still in progress! In honor of those who have taken the time to read and even help with editing. I have tried to take all the suggestions and though I know there may be more to work on… I’d love anyone’s feedback who might take the time to read it. As always… I have mentioned before that if you have not read the first previous chapters (one through eight) you might not follow… but for those who have… Here is Chapter Nine revised. Thank you for your time!
In the weeks that followed, Keri learned to handle her relationship with Jack on her own. It was a balancing act. She thought that she was doing fine. But people began asking her if she was okay. She caught herself snapping back. Keri trusted no one to talk about Jack’s mood swings, Keri carried it all on her own shoulders. Then one day, Mrs. Walker came to her with tears in her eyes. She’d been worried about Keri and actually read her journal, “not all of it, but enough” she confessed. Keri was horrified. She’d always trusted the agreement they’d shared, without so much of a second thought and through the years, she never suspected otherwise and became quite unconcerned and free about what she’d write. If truth be known, her teacher never breached that trust ever before, until she had she’d seen a change in Keri. Keri was coming to class upset more and more often. One day Keri came to drop off an assignment and hadn’t waited to talk to Mrs. Walker who called after her. Keri did not hear her. Or at least acted as if she hadn’t. Mrs. Walker was pretty sure she had.
Keri scrambled inside her head as her teacher stood in front of her with a pitiful look of concern. She tried to recall what she might have written recently. When there’d been no other place to go but inside the pages of her journal. Mrs. Walker laid the leather-bound book in front of her. Tears of anger burned in Keri’s eyes. All this time, Keri had believed that Mrs. Walker was just initialing each new entry without reading a word. Now, she didn’t know what to believe. Keri snatched the book up and held it tightly against her chest. She wondered how far back that Mrs. Walker might have read. Her teacher saw the look of betrayal on Keri’s face and rushed to explain. She’d just been concerned, now, she couldn’t ignore what she’d read. Keri stiffened as Mrs. Walker tried to touch her arm. She pulled away and picked up her books and ran out of the library without a word.
Keri agonized all night long. She couldn’t talk to Jack about this. He would be so angry with her. He did not know about the journals. She’d read poems to him from them, but her journals had been hers. They were not even for Jack to know about. She had not wanted him to ask to read them so she never mentioned them. Her head swam. All of a sudden the room started spinning. Keri grabbed her mouth and ran to the bathroom and got sick. Keri kneeled by the basin coughing and crying. She’d never felt so betrayed. And yet the hardest thing about her anger was that she knew that her teacher really did just care. And yet she was just so ashamed that anyone knew that she’d allowed Jack to treat her the way she’d described in those sacred pages. Now, she felt naked and as if she wanted to run away, far away where no one knew her. That night she decided that she was going to finish High School even earlier than she’d planned. She did not want to have to deal with Mrs. Walker or anyone. She was so confused. During their conversation, Mrs. Walker told Keri she’d always be there for her if she needed her and suggested that perhaps she’d really wanted her to read what she’d written. It just made no sense to Keri and more angry at her teacher.
The next day Keri went to her counselor to find out exactly what credits she still needed. She was happy to discover that she could complete them all by taking the required exams through a few independent study classes that she could do on her own through the counseling office at the local community college. She was surprised how everyone seemed to support her plan. Keri explained that she wanted to finish her Senior year early since her schedule was so minimal. She told everyone that she planned to start working at the Speech and Development School full-time, and have a little time in-between before she had to start her college classes. She decided that rather than going away to school, she would take some of her general education classes at the same community college where the counseling office was that she would be reporting to until she completed her High School credits. Surprisingly, her counselor and her parents didn’t question her new change of plans even though she’d be forfeiting the scholarships she’d applied for. In fact, her mom and dad didn’t seem to discourage or encourage her to go to college. Jack was the only one who really encouraged her to go and yet the idea of going away to school now, seemed less and less appealing to both of them as they fell more deeply in love.
The weeks passed quickly and her own graduation was uneventful. There just wasn’t one. A few months later, after completing all of the requirements. She’d gone to pick up her report card and diploma from the office, only to be told that her official diploma would not be available until after her graduating class had gone through the actual ceremony in June. Suddenly the realization of what she’d done and was missing out on, hit her. Her choices impacted many things she’d been looking forward to. She’d known that she would miss her prom and other school activities the following year, but she’d also reasoned that Jack would not have wanted to go to any of it and she did not want to go without him. And yet, Keri couldn’t help feel a tear slip down her cheek as she headed for the parking lot, with her report card in her hand.
The year before meeting Jack, she’d been invited to a boy’s Grad night who she’d met at church and been dating casually for a few months. He was valedictorian of his class and Keri was honored to be his date. They’d gone to Disneyland after she’d watched him speak to his graduating class and the entire night had been magical. She was glad that she had that memory, and decided it was going to have to be enough. She was just relieved that school was behind her and that Mrs. Walker had not said anything to anyone else about what she’d read in Keri’s journals. Keri was sure she would have called her parents but for some reason she hadn’t, and Keri was grateful.
When Keri ripped open her report card and saw the A+ in English, a melancholy feeling came over her. She walked toward her car as she scanned the paper. Memories flooded her thoughts as she remembered all the things she’d learned about writing from Mrs. Walker. She remembered the first time her teacher approached her with tears in her eyes after reading something that she’d written and telling Keri that she had a gift. Tears blurred Keri’s eyes, just as she was about to bump into Mrs. Walker herself, who looked equally surprised. She’d not seen Keri for several weeks though signed off on her class after learning of her plans to not pursue her current scholarship she’d been disappointed but decided not to interfere. In fact, she decided to do nothing.
Keri had seen the familiar signature and had felt uncomfortable. She hadn’t seen her teacher since that day in the library. Only she and Mrs. Walker knew the truth of why she was really graduating early. ”Thanks for the A” Keri said uncomfortably. “You earned it as always, Keri”. Mrs. Walker smiled “Good luck to you honey, you are very talented, I hope you do something great with your writing.” Keri knew that graduating early had ruined her chances for several of the scholarships she was up for, ones that they worked on together. Suddenly they just hugged. Though it wasn’t clear who reached out first. The embrace was long and genuine. “Thanks for everything Mrs Walker” Keri whispered hoarsely and Mrs. Walker hugged her a little tighter and then slowly let go. At that moment, she knew Keri better than any adult in her life. The years of mentoring and long talks about her dreams to write, and then watching her progress and win awards, had been her teacher’s own reward. She wanted to say so many things to Keri at that moment and yet she knew that they were all things she would have to learn on her own.
08 Oct 2013
At the risk of tooting my own horn. And the need for a good affirmation every once in a while. I just had to share this idea that Leah had! For us all to go and thank our commentors! They are the ones that keep us going. I totally am blown away by this recognition! But I thought it was such a stellar idea. As one of her followers said… they’d trade one great comment for 100 LIKEs. It really does make a difference. You never know. At the risk of breaking the 500 word rule which I probably do everytime Here is my sweet friend’s wonderful blog of the day! Oh yeah did I mention it was about me? ;D
Originally posted on Little Miss Wordy:
I imagine it was just a regular day for you as you held your coffee mug and surfed the internet for a quick morning read. Maybe you were running late and after reading some of the blogs you normally follow, you had a few minutes to spare before you absolutely had to be on your way. It is possible you saw my Gravatar on one of those blogs and something compelled you to click on it or maybe you just happened to search through the WordPress Topics regarding 9/11 that day when my newly birthed blog lit up your screen.
07 Oct 2013
in change of attitude, Gratefulness, humility, lessons learned, reflection, Spiritual
Tags: God, Harvest (wine), Vineyard
Today was an amazing day. I got to hang out with great friends in their vineyard and be part of their harvest! They invited us to help pick their grapes and it was an awesome experience.
The group of people that gathered this morning happily worked like a fine oiled machine. We each got a bucket to fill, a glove and pruning shears. And though I missed church (which I have been doing a lot lately, another blog for another time…. ) I kind of had my own service all within my own few rows of grapes.
I am kind of competitive, even with myself. So I had fun seeing how fast I could fill a bucket and how many I could fill. The only thing was that the fuller the bucket got, the further down the row I got and the place to dump the grapes was all the way back up the row.
So after a few dumps, I jokingly made a comment that we needed a bucket dumper who went around and took our filled buckets in exchange for an empty one. Low and behold someone took on that task.
Of course “me” the lover of a good metaphor is not going to let this one pass. So, I started relating the bucket dumper to what God does for us… He provides us with a bountiful harvest and takes the fruits of our labors and lessens our load with His grace. The job of the bucket dumper is not a glorified one.
I’ve always loved it when I get to cook a great meal and someone will come in behind me as I go and wash the dishes.
They are the ones without the glory and yet most appreciated by not only the chef and the winemaker but everyone not having to do that job..
So… whether it is a meal or a bottle of wine, it is not in just the end result but all that goes on behind the scenes. It’s all about the entire process and sometimes, it’s not just about how many buckets that ”I” fill but it is more about being grateful for the dish washers and the bucket dumpers that help create the magic!
Sometime it’s not about how full the bucket is, but what’s in the heart of the one who fills it.
Diane Reed ’13
01 Oct 2013
in faith, God, Life Journey, Life lessons, Poetry, Spiritual
Tags: Heaven, soul
The mystery of our souls and the way that they are formed
makes me wander back to a place, long before I was born
I imagine heaven and God preparing me for earth
and how I must have played up there long before my birth
It’s makes me kind of sad that we forget it all so fast
the memory of how we started and why it couldn’t last
It must be in the lessons and the things we’ve yet to know
the ones that we hang on to and the ones that we let go
My soul has always been there, though sometimes I feel it more
through the darkest times and the times it’s been restored
Carrying me through trials and when I felt most alone
floating upon the memory of the promise to return home.
29 Sep 2013
in Depression, growth, healing, hurts, Life Journey, Loss, Poetry, Survivial
Tags: Feeling Lost, Letting Go, Poetry
Even though you are here…
I am alone
I run through my heart
And no one’s home
Even though you are talking
I can’t hear
It’s like I’m driving away
Forgetting to steer
Everything is spinning
I want to feel it
Everyone is so in love
Just want to feel it
It takes everything in me
To not feel it.
22 Sep 2013
in Acceptance, Family, Father, healing, Heroes, humility, Love, Parenting, passion, patience, Poetry, STRENGTH
Tags: Childhood memories, God, Hope, Poetry, relationships, self evaluation
It’s not about muscles that make people think we’re strong,
it’s not about the faults of other’s that makes you the one not wrong,
it’s not about the things we do so that others see them too,
It’s more in our transparency that gives us each a better view.
It’s when I’ve seen the strongest man bend down upon his knees
to wipe the tears from a child’s eyes as he listens to his pleas,
it’s when he stops to hold a stranger’s door even when he’s in a hurry
or calls his wife each time he’s late, knowing that she might be worried.
It’s when he brings her flowers home for really no reason at all,
it’s when he’s kneeling in prayer that makes him seem so tall.
All these things show more strength than any winner of a fight,
for strength is in the example of always trying to do what’s right.
Someday we’ll all look back and see things from a different point of view
we’ll see the things we did and the things we wished we didn’t do,
we’ll wonder why we were stubborn and just couldn’t let things go,
we’ll each learn different things about ourselves we wish that we had known.
We all will someday end up at the same place of awakening
where we each meet our Maker, at a time when our heart is breaking,
where we fall upon our knees, realizing where we did it wrong,
and in that moment of weakness it is then we’ll be most strong.
20 Sep 2013
I woke up to this wonderful post this morning. This is my daughter’s blog. She doesn’t write quite as often as I do so when she does it is a special treat for me! She used to tag along to my art shows and now she has me tagging along to hers! She is a talented actress and moved to Los Angeles over five years ago to pursue her dreams of becoming one. She has finished school, and continues to take classes and has joined SAG which is not a small task in it’self. Her jobs that she works are all acting related but in the mean time she has started “crafting” in a way of sculpting and painting and everytime she creates something new I am blown away. It’s funny, when she was younger, I could tell that she was a talented writer. Once her English teacher even cried when he read something that she wrote. I hoped that her degree would be pursuing writing in someway. Now she is writing screenplays and living her life with a passion that makes me glad that I didn’t hold her back from doing exactly what she was good at… And at the risk of sounding a bit like a BRAG BOOK…. It seems like THAT is just about a little of everything! Please take the time to follow my best friend on her journey as she becomes exactly who she is supposed to be.
Originally posted on The Naked Bird:
My grandmother used to sew clothes for us from funny Walmart patterns with wonderfully dated fabrics. I recently found an old pair stuffed in a drawer at my parents’ house and I’ve been wearing them while sculpting and painting. They are oversized with a black on white flower pattern circa 1970s, or so they look. They also flare out like a skirt. But they are so comfy. I’ve had them since I was a kid and my cousin had a matching pair, only then, they went all the way down to our knees. I remember rolling out of bed every weekend around noon, after my grandma would peak her head in the door for the 5th time pleading with Danielle and me to get out of bed, worried that “it’s not healthy.” We’d probably find some fresh baked banana bread or bran muffins (which don’t sound amazing but oh, they were so divine, the ones my grandma made) butter it up and head straight into the “art room” wearing our big oversized shorts and lose hours painting and sewing and sculpting. It’s funny how wearing 15 year old shorts while crafting in my own “art room” can make everything I do feel just the same as when I was doing it then. It’s a happy feeling. A bit of a longing feeling, but perhaps they are responsible for my sudden burst of creativity. So much of my work is reminiscent of my childhood. Danielle who is 2 years older than me, always had a straighter seam, a gentler hand or a smoother stroke. She once made a tiny doll out of polymer clay who could eat and have it come out the other end via a drinking straw digestive tract. She was quite clever. I could never get mine to do that. But I think all those hours in the art room planted the first seeds of my love to create. And they may not have working eating and potty abilities, but I think my own dolls are coming along quite well…15 years later.
These girls and many other new friends have just settled into my etsy shop. Stop by to see more work. I think I’ll have new friends finished and photographed to add tomorrow or the next day as well! I realize I haven’t kept up on this. I’m going to try to amend that. Until next time.
16 Sep 2013
in Acceptance, bad neighbors, Compassion, criticism, good neighbors, humor, patience, pride in ownership realtor, Relationships
Today I have a wonderful neighbor. Their backyard is magical. And I appreciate living next to them everyday! I have been blessed with great neighbors in the different places that I have lived. Some have become life long friends. But I do remember once upon a time when my neighbor was horrible. She hated me till the day she died I think. It was sad. I even had dreams of her liking me. It bothered me so much. I’d gotten a notice about BIG Refuse Pick Up Day that our city offered annually. It was a day that you could put big things out and the city would come and haul them away.
I was young and probably not as gracious as I am now :) And looking back, I could have been a little more tactful. But I left a note on my neighbor’s van offering my husband’s help to move her washers and dryers out to the curb if she so chose. I thought that it was an innocently helpful and quite neighborly offer. The appliances had been facing my kitchen door since we’d moved in almost a year earlier. She’d never been particularly friendly even before we moved in, but that note caused WORLD WAR III between us. She was not a very happy person to begin with and later I learned that she had a lot of issues that I was not aware of.
They say hind sight is 20/20 and I think that I understand her position better now. She was probably about my age then, that I am now and I was barely 30. She might have been a little offended because I was so much younger and perhaps she thought… came across as pompous though I really just wanted to make sure she had not missed the notice. Though if we are being honest here… I really did not want to look at her appliances staring back at me for another year, I wish that I’d done nothing now. I don’t like when someone doesn’t like me. But then not everyone liked Jesus. So why should I expect more? But it really wasn’t worth it. And looking back if it had not been that note… it would have been something else. She was just looking for an enemy. There are just some people that I have run into in my life, that I haven’t been able to win over with my irresistable charm, believe it or not!
Though she did have a daughter that ended up being a blessing and we became friends when she found The Lord and we discovered that our birthdays were on the same day. It was a friendship that evolved with a lot more hard work than I am used to when it comes to cultivating friendships; We had kids around the same age and when they did not get along, I think she expected drama between the moms, where I felt it was important for the kids to just work it out. But in the end, a friendship evolved and the kids grew up and got along and it is a sweet memory how I see God worked it all out. And now I am glad that I made the effort.
This morning I’ve been watching a marathon, a show called House Hunters, and one of the episodes was about a couple looking over into the neighboring yard filled with junk and it made me flash on my memories of those neighbors….
Soooo…. I thought I’d write a more lighthearted post today with a little message to remind us all about judgment even when we feel we are on the right side of the fence. Today I am getting ready to work in my yard and it made me wonder what “my neighbors” see on their other side of the fence.
The Other Side Of The Fence
I looked over the fence and what did I see?
A few piles of junk staring right back at me
two washers and three dryers lined up in a row
If they ever worked, I guess we’ll never know
As I peeked through the fence I was so horrified
it looked like a graveyard where someone had died
a few bird cages, an old bike and a barbecue now twisted
all toppled on each other as if they never existed
I tried to smile and I tried to be nice
and tried not to scream when I saw all the mice
I even waved hello when the neighbors came out
to see what it was that I was shouting about
I didn’t want to offend them by gawking some more
even though I’d just purchased the house right next door!
(Sometimes we don’t always see past our own fences)
Lord help me to not be so fast to judge!
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
Luke 6:27 ESV
10 Sep 2013
in Attitudes, Depression, Determination, faith, healing, Poetry, prayer, Spiritual
Tags: facing the day, Poetry, Survival
The sun splashed across the morning sky
as I woke up early and opened my eyes.
I jumped out of bed and slowly yawned
as I looked out the window to greet the dawn.
Nothing had changed in the night before;
I had the same problems I couldn’t ignore.
But something inside of me couldn’t give up,
it nudged me and pushed me till I finally got up!
Yesterday I decided to just stay in bed,
as angry voices screamed in my head.
it was easier to just give in to their call,
but then…yesterday, nothing got done at all!
So I decided today to not let them win!
I’d take control and give it to HIM!
It’s all in the choices we ultimately make.
To walk through the garden, or stay stuck at it’s gate!
It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect.
03 Sep 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, Blogging, change of attitude, ephifanies, God, Gratefulness, Health, letting go, Miracles, Poetry, prayer, worry
Tags: Don't sweat the small stuff, faith, Gratitude, Healing, Hope, Poetry, Prayer
I follow a blog by a fellow blogger and follower of my blog named Dyan, that challenges us to find things to be grateful for in life. She is faithful in her commitment to write a daily word of encouragement and it has become an easy read. Today’s seemed to trigger a memory for me. It made me STOP and really see what I have been doing for over a decade… I realized that I am afraid to just let go and be grateful. To live in the moment to not worry about yesterday or tomorrow to just be grateful for something as simple as the ability to enjoy jam on my toast in the morning. I know it sounds funny… but some of you GET me so well… I know you’ll understand.
Here is an excerpt from her post today:
It may be small, like the peach jam on your toast in the morning, pretty flowers that you pass on a walk - or it can be big, like a job opportunity we are presented with. But if we are watching for things to be grateful for through our days, we will find them. Living gratefully, purposely taking time to be grateful every day will bring us more things to be grateful for. That is a great reason to keep a gratitude list every day.
To read the whole thing… here it is:
Well over ten years ago, I remember picking up an article in the waiting room of a medical office where I had my yearly exam. It was an excerpt from the book…”Don’t sweat the small stuff… And it’s all small stuff” We’ve all heard about it since. But it was new to me then. As a child, I always worried. I have since realized I’d become a co-dependent at an early age and always seemed to be waiting for something bad to happen.
I remember really reading every word and deciding that I was going to stop and smell the flowers just as I was called in for my turn… I remember light heartedly changing into the paper gown and waiting for the doctor. We made the usual small talk and then the expression on his face changed. It got more serious. He’d found a lump in my throat. It was strange… I never felt it………. I think at that moment the whole thing about not sweating the small stuff was extracted from my memory.
For the next few weeks, appointments for surgeons and ultra sounds all filled the parts of my brain that was going to not sweat anything. I’ve always tried to protect my kids from my problems but somehow my daughter found out and demanded to know what was going on and then promptly prayed for me. It was a sweet simple prayer but ever since she was little, when she prayed she believed that God really heard her and kind of just expected Him to take care of everything. (If only we all could have that childlike faith!) After an ultra sound and a surgeon not finding anything at his exam it all seemed to have been a mistake or had it? Perhaps there had been something there and God heard the prayers of a child…my sweet daughter.
I just know that as I read Dyan’s blog today… it triggered a memory. I think at that moment in the Doctor’s office… I’d decided to truly not sweat the small stuff and then in the next moment… I’d been hit by a Mack Truck… not small stuff by any sense of the imagination. I am not sure what happened… maybe it was a mistake… maybe even the devil… but I think I was afraid to not sweat the small stuff ever again…. I think that I have been sweating it ever since… trying to be grateful… but always with one eye cocked over my shoulder… All I know is that this little reminder pricked a memory about never trusting anyone or anything with the free abandonment of thinking it is all small stuff because it can change at any moment. I guess that since then… I’ve always waited for the other shoe to fall. Nor have I ever completely relaxed since.
I know that life isn’t necessarily without catastrophe. Since that day… I’ve experienced illness of loved ones, earthquakes, and even death. But I have also experienced answered prayer, good health and the miracle of birth. I know it’s not all small stuff. But this little daily reminder, this once a day dose of being grateful really made me take a look at where I stopped appreciating the moment and began trying to deny it’s existence. I’ve been seriously robbed by the joy of relaxing in my gratitude. Like a thief in the night it was snatched from me. Today is a new day and I am just grateful to be sitting here knowing it. And I am grateful for all of God’s Vessels who come into my life with messages as way of their blogs. Perhaps this one might remind you to not sweat the small stuff and though it might not all be small stuff… to recognize when it is and to trust God with the rest! Have a grateful day!
A baby smiles and I see a glimpse of heaven.
A flower grows from a crack in the cement.
A stranger holds the door open…
Are these messages possibly Heaven sent?
A garden’s fragrance, a butterflies wings
A sunrise inside the warmth of dawn
A child’s laughter, a friend’s simple note
when you thought you couldn’t go on…
A slice of toast with some special jam
warm socks on a cold morning
Ahhh such is the joy in feeling grateful
that appears in my heart without warning.
02 Sep 2013
in Appreciation, Blog friends, Blogging, communication, Family, Friends from Blogging, friendship, My Blog, Poetry, Writing
Tags: Friendship, Poetry, reflection, Writing
I know that I’ve written about this before. But I just can’t get over the connection I have with some of you. When I started blogging, I was pretty much doing it for me. A place to store my rambilings and perhaps share some of it with my close friends. But then… Oh and then… something magical happened.
You guys did!
Thank you for happening to me!
I used to pick up my pen to write
when I was there, at my desk alone.
I would write and then re-read
and my feedback was my own.
But somehow through the scheme of things
I opened another door
and all at once you guys came in
and I was not alone there anymore!
Somehow we’ve formed a village,
a neighborhood of those who understand.
Some of you are not too far away,
and some are in other lands.
But somehow through our passion,
through our need to feel heard;
we all have connected
through our love of the written word!
This was my reply to the first comment that came in…
(It fit perfectly for the way that I feel about many of you… I thought I’d cut and paste it and add it in the actual post so you understand just how important you have all become to me and how much I appreciate you!)
I am so glad to have met you as well! YOU were one of the ones that inspired this. Some come and go and then come back into each of our lives. No guilt trips or expectations. Just glad to see ya when you’re here and miss you when your not. But thrilled to reconnect with those who haven’t been around a while and excited to make new friends here each day, who I might find that connection with… and when it happens… it is like magic!
I don’t need to ask anyone to read my blog or what they think… I have you all who do that for me. I loved one of the pictures here with the lights all on at night. I can just see us all inside one of those lit windows blogging away or writing our words. Regardless of where we are, in what town, in what country…. our hearts are strung together with our understanding of how important our words are!
01 Sep 2013
in Break Through, Depression, faith, Split Personalities
Tags: Dream journal, Dream Sharing, God, Interpretation, Poetry
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night I was so angry with someone in my dream, a few scenes later I confronted the person while we were driving. When we stopped abruptly, I slammed out of the car infuriated at something I could not seem to grasp. When I realized that I’d forgotten my purse in the car, I turned back only to find this person going through my purse and then I woke up!
I was so angry I kept trying to go back to sleep to go kick some major butt! As I look back now fully awake, I realize so clearly now that the person I was so upset with was me!
My mother in law is a Psychologist and one of her fields of expertise is dreams. She has always told me that every dream we have relates back to ourselves. That rule of thought used to frustrate me. I mean lets say we just went to the bank and we dream about a conversation we had with the teller? I’ve argued that the teller was in my dreams because of my experience with them that day. I still teeter on the fact that dreaming about experiences in your day might be just that…. residue from left over stuff in your day. But this recent dream was particularly clear to me that my mother in law’s theory pertained here.
I know that I have been robbing myself of the joy I am meant to have by being so darn angry all the time. I sneak in and fill a sunny day with dark bouts of anger about where my life is. Wanting to blame and judge and just be MAD. As if there were two of me. One opening up the blinds and letting the sun in and the other cheating me of it all by yanking the drapes shut.
In The Master’s Hands
It really is nothing new, I’ve fought it all my life
whether friend, or mother or being someone’s wife
I play the part and dance the steps, I fall and get back up
No matter how hard I’ve tried, it never seems enough
My own reflection in the mirror fights with who I am
struggling to make some sense of it and not knowing if I can
I find myself crying in the dark alleys of my soul
gripping the sides of life as I slip down through it’s hole
And so I cry out in my pain trying to understand
As I feel the strength in the grip of The Master’s Hand
Healing all my wounds through all the years gone by
As God finds me where I am… and makes me want to try.
30 Aug 2013
in Blogging, Helpful Blogging hints!, New to blogging? Read this!
Tags: Avatars, creating blog traffic, Cut copy and paste, Number one hint to getting followed, WordPress
This one is for everyone who has ever tried to look for a link via someone’s Gravatar and in turn, that person has not bothered to put their blog’s address where everyone sees their face! The only way I know how to get to someone’s blog is to click on their name. If there is no link to their blog on that page…. I am not sure how they think people are finding them. If someone goes to the trouble of writing a blog… you’d think they’d want other people to find it and read it… right?
This is also for everyone who ever wondered why they don’t have as much traffic on their blog as someone else has on theirs. ! Click on yourself and see if your address or blog’s page comes up. If it doesn’t… you need to know this very important thing…
Not everybody will take the time to cut and paste your name to search for you!
Pleeease… if you feel that this is worthy of a reblog and you want to spread the news so that people start posting their blog page on their gravatar Reblog this one too!
Originally posted on No Stolen Cat Pictures:
[Special note: the title of this article should be spelled "Gravatar Links" with no "i" in the first word. I would correct this but then people who have already linked to it would end up with dead links. I choose fame over correctness!]
I promised someone that I would show her how to add a link to her blog on her Gravatar page so that anywhere her Gravatar is people can easily go to her blog. I thought it best to make a little video showing exactly how to do this so there is no doubt how to go about it. Click in if you would like to watch.
28 Aug 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, letting go, New Day, Poetry, silly
Tags: As Good As It Gets, Hokey Pokey, silly moods
What if… this is as good as it gets?
Stop and think. I mean really think. We all have our own state of existence and sometimes it is really hard to stay in the moment and not hope for what is ahead. But what if “This” (picture me waving my arm around where you are) is as good as it gets? Would you be okay with that? Are you grateful for right now? I’ve begun to wonder if I am stuck because of me not being grateful enough. I KNOW that I am definitely in a learning place and just may be not getting it! Not in the sense of really bad things happening. I mean we can take responsiblity for some of it. But some is just life and the deck we draw from.
I am talking about that “happy place” I can’t seem to find or at least stay there and I am wondering why. And… if this (me again waving around) is as good as it gets, would that be okay? I know I need to be grateful… that these someday, will be the good old days… but is there something wrong in hoping for something different? Always striving for a little more? Not necesarrily just ”stuff” but more happiness. Ya know?
I won’t admit that I watch those poor “Housewives” on the different corners of our continent.( At least not regularly.) But however scripted it may be, I have to admit that sometimes I find myself mesmorized by their drama. I think WHO SAYS THAT? Or screams like that or fights like that? When they’ve gotta have cameras in their faces. it makes me feel better about my own life and the lack of drama.
Though, just recently my friend of over a half a century and I had a silly misunderstanding. At first I felt time and distance would help it blow over. But never really ever having any kind of “anything negative” with her in our adulthood, the more time that went by, the more apparent it became that it would take more than an email to blow this one over. Yesterday we had an almost two hour conversation. We laughed and got serious and then honest and then laughed again. It felt as if a wall of bricks had dropped off of me afterwards. I felt light and ready to do the Hokey Pokey… just getting ready to put my left foot in…..
when bamm!! Some other drama with a completely different person in my life slammed into me.
I felt ready to throw my hands up and give up. Or at least to sign on to some reality show because my drama lately is just as worthy as some of the best episodes of the Housewives anywhere!
But really have you ever felt like that? Sooo happy and ready to celebrate and then Wham! You are thinking… ”What Next?! Can’t I at least enjoy the moment before you pull me down into the sludge again???? So I have decided to not be a victim!!!!!!!! In fact I refuse to be! You have heard the saying… “Don’t kick em when they’re down” Well, I am never going to be down again. Sooo just try to kick me flying in the sky! Ha! Okaaay… I know… one extreme to another… But literally,.. I intend to recognize the things that I can control and control them better. To not feed into the negative. To keep my mouth shut when at all possible. Wow I made that sound difficult didn’t I? Well, you know… sometimes it has been for me. But no more. I will lead by example. The next time I feel like being negative. I am going to march the other way!
Because This is not as good as it gets! And it’s not about the Hokey Pokey. It’s about being willing to shake it all about!
So you have caught me in a silly kind of nonsensey type of mood so don’t expect anything profound… just wanted to hang out with ya and have a layback blowing bubbles connection!
My mind is filled with butterlies
Wait! I’m scared of bugs.
My heart holds forgiveness
while my head still holds a grudge.
I do the hokey pokey
and turn myself around
I paint on silly smiles
over stitched on frowns
Life is filled with chances
and lots of give and take
Sometimes it’s just the small things
And the choices we all make
to know when to just stop talking
so we can hear what others have to say
to learn to step aside
when pride gets in the way!
to stop when the sidewalk ends
and learn to go around
to only kick me when I’m up
and never when I’m down!
Shel Silverstein / Norman Rockwell illustrations
25 Aug 2013
in Ambivalence, Anger, God, healing, Perspective, Poetry, prayer, self awareness, tragedies
Tags: God, Jesus, Kindness
Some people can smoke Lucky Strikes for their entire life and live to be ninety, while others can take all kinds of vitamins and eat a healthy diet, exercise daily, go to their annual check ups and then die before forty. And when children are involved, well, I want to cry out “Why?!” I know we live in a fallen world. I know, I know, I know! But it’s not fair. How fast do we all change the channel when we see a commercial for funding the cancer hospitals as they use bald little babies to inspire giving. I have given before to help of course but also as if to buy insurance. Though I know in my head that God is not counting who gives and saying “Okay not her kids.” Just to move on to someone else’s who have not given.
I view it much more differently.
I have always imagined God’s face as He releases our souls almost like blowing bubbles from heaven. It is filled with Love and Kindness and His eyes are filled with Hope and expectation much like a parent sending their offspring out into the world. He only is expecting the best for us. There is no awareness of grief or sin or tragedies in HIS presence, for He is on the other side, handing us over, giving us a chance at life. The side He is on can’t be described in human terms really, though I guess, we call it heaven. Everything is pure there. Even the hope that the life that we are passing through to… will have opportunities and chances at all the best possibilities the world offers.
I truly feel that the instant we pass through that Heavenly Veil He is truly gifting us new life with all of His love. He does not send us out to hurt us. But it is different. Our world here. Much different than the heaven we came from. I am not saying that he is not aware of the state of the world. I am just saying that HIS hope for us is pure. I picture our souls hitting this side and in a second, our bubble is covered with debris and dirt. Sticking to us as soon as we hit the air.
I am offended when people talk about God but can’t give Him a name other than “Universe” perhaps they don’t want to commit or maybe even offend those who don’t believe in something other than “air” and gravity. As for me, I believe that God is my Creator. I am not ashamed to say it nor to defend His right to be recognized. He is not the author of pain or illness or sin. He had a better plan for us. We were the ones that screwed that one up. I look at my own life and realize that many of my own choices have put me in some of the less than positive places that I’ve been or am right now. I also see that sometimes when I am in pain, (though I don’t believe that God causes any of it…) He will use it for me to draw closer to Him.
A wise young woman who I knew as a little girl, not too long ago…… (seems like just a moment~ she caught my bouquet!)
lost her sister in a car accident she was also in…( when they were in college) wrote:
What’s important is what we do NEXT!!!! —
That was powerful for me! Just that one sentence made me think hard. She now is married with a family of her own… and recently posted a picture of her family now with her parents (my sweet friends who inspire me with their spirit daily!) sitting near her sister’s grave and wrote: ”Of course we know~ she’s not here!” She may never know the impact that had on me. No long paragraphs… just the hope of what was next for all of us who believe. Her sister is there now! And that is her hope. Such an amazing message…
I have decided to embrace her quote….. “What’s important… is what we do next!!”
To not constantly look back in regret or mourn what was, to not be the victim, standing knee deep in our own trials, mistakes or problems but to move forward in whatever situation we are in. I have lost loved ones, dealt with illness and basically found debris stuck all over my bubble over and over again… but I have also watched bubbles soar high! And I know my soul is capable of soaring! Maybe not without a little debris, but it is my goal to live the kind of life God intended me to have when He gave it to me!
We may never know why bad things happen to good people. But I believe with all my heart that God does want the best for us. Today I am going to find the best, next! I am going to walk right into it and believe! God is good. He wants the best for us. But that is not always part of the deal while we are here. I remember when my store crumbled around me and my daughter asked “Why us?” Why did God allow this?” And she said that without missing a beat, that I replied “He didn’t cause this, He saved us.” I don’t remember that conversation or how my faith came so naturally back then and I wonder now… how to get that back. I have been so angry lately. So critical. And kind of stuck in a place wondering… Why? Instead, today, I am going to ask: “What’s next?”
The world is full of debris that attaches to my soul
sucked into it’s pit, in the darkness of it’s hole-
Fighting to survive in a place where sin has found a name
We’ve confused the way it’s fallen and WHO it is we blame
We ignore the love that’s brought us here, falling into place
Forgetting about the kindness and the look upon HIS face
There is a war in each of us, struggling with love and hate
to remember where we’ve come from before it is too late!
23 Aug 2013
in abusive relationships, Acceptance, Ambivalence, Anger, answers, Attitudes, Breaking, broken heart, Broken spirit, Child within, confusion, Depression, emotional abuse, Fear, Forgiveness, fragile, Frustrated writer, growth, healing, honesty, hope, humility, Inner Child, learning, Life Journey, Life lessons, Loss, Love, Memories, Missing the lesson, Mistakes, moving on, patience, Perseverance, Perspective, Poetry, process, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Renewal, Self affirmation, self awareness, Spiritual, Survivial, Time, Writing
Tags: Letting Go, Poetry, reflection, Writing
Behind the doors of yesterday
we all hold that perfect key
unlocking places in our past
where shadows used to be
Dancing upon moonbeams until all the music dies
letting go of all the pain as the broken winged one flies…
Falling hard from our dreams, when we finally land
searching for our innocence all where we first began.
As I continue to work on my book, I feel stuck. I am in a place of pain. Of total confusion. I guess ambivalence would be the best word to describe where I have landed. I keep going backwards. I need to start moving forward. I have a story to tell. A lot has to do with my past. I have the framework sitting there for me to build upon and yet I am not sure why I need to write these silly poems that have nothing to do with me today….
Or do they?
18 Aug 2013
in Empty Nest, Family, future, Goals, growing older, growth, lessons learned, letting go, Life Journey, Love, Memories, MOM, moving on, My Kids, Parenting, Perspective, Poetry, prayer, process, raising a teenager, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Son, Uncategorized, worry
Tags: attitude adjustmement, Hope, Letting Go, Poetry, relationships
This is the time of year…
We are trying not to count the days. We know it is coming up. We are trying to be happy. And yet it is extremely hard.
I remember when my son left home. It was his Senior Year. It was a crazy time for us to move and yet it happened. I remember always shaking my head when I’d hear stories of parents uprooting their kids from their last years of High School and yet we found ourselves in that same position. I was not ready. He was not ready. And yet it is a choice I made and will always look back and wonder about. In the end, he moved in with his dad. I am glad because his dad is gone now and it was a great bonding time for them that my son will always cherish. And yet as a mom who was pretty over protective all of his young life, I had to let go, knowing for the most part, that the supervision would not be identical. In fact, it was pretty non existent. I am pretty sure all curfews flew out the window along with my baby bird!
I remember once my son calling me and telling me that one of his dad’s room mate’s had brought home Jack In The Box for everyone but him. I am sure there was food in the house and he was not going to starve and that there may have been a good reason for leaving him out… mainly his attitude which has always been a bit challenging… Smile… But I can’t imagine his father partaking in the food while our son sat watching. Though I “get” that I was not privy to the full picture. As a mother missing her baby you can imagine my heart. So I began sending care packages.
Sure I could have sent money and saved the shipping, but I found joy in choosing his favorite things and “knowing” he’d be fed. I don’t doubt that my ex was supplying the basic needs but not the hugs from his mom and so I sent those packages pretty regularly. Until I was asked not to.
One day I got a phone call asking me to “stop” (sending the packages) by my ex. He said, “Diane, you are not helping.” I will never forget how hard it was. I understood that my son was actually 18 by that time, had a job and was living rent free so just had to pay for his gas and food. My ex had moved out of his parent’s house his senior year, and I know that he just wanted our son to grow up and learn about life the way he had to. It was a love thing. He wasn’t trying to be mean. But it was hard for him to understand my “mother’s heart” and that the thought of my baby being cold or sad or going hungry for even just one minute was hard for me. Okay well maybe I wasn’t that bad but I did want to confront him about that Jack In The Box incident but I didn’t want to betray my son. And I wanted to tell my son that it was his dad who was making me stop sending the care packages but I could not betray his dad.
It seemed as if everytime I turned around that year, I’d see a little boy that reminded me of my son. I missed him so much. But I knew that he wasn’t that little boy anymore. He was all grown up and I needed to let go.
I guess I actually was glad that his dad taught him the hard lessons that I couldn’t.
I’ve shared this poem before here but it is one that I wrote right before my first baby bird tumbled out of my nest… This one is for all the moms having to let go this year as their baby birds fly off to school or where ever it might be. I understand and feel for you all. And I am here to tell you that you will survive! My son did! He has his own business and a beautiful family. Letting go isn’t always easy, nor is letting our baby birds fall out of the sky sometimes… but if we let them… experience the highs and the lows… someday they will learn to soar and that is enough hope for me. (This poem is also for the young moms who can’t wait for school to start and need a little reminder… of just how FAST it all flies by!)
Seems like only yesterday I held you in my arms
Oh how you swept me away with all your baby charms.
The days just flew by quickly, soon you began to talk
and then a little later, you began to walk….
“Mommy will you cross me? I want to go and play.”
Oh those words ring sweetly, now seem like yesterday.
The years have swiftly passed,
don’t know where they’ve all gone,
And when you cross the street now,
you don’t need to call your mom.
It has happened right in front of me, before my very eyes…
packed away, your faded jeans, one of every size…
Teddy bears and old match box cars,
all packed with loving care,
baseball cards and folded notes of secrets that you shared.
I sit amongst the boxes recalling our memories all alone
and realize that baby, once in my arms,
is now fully grown~
And silently I wonder through a mixture of joy and tears…
Did I truly show how much I loved you
through those tender years?
Sometimes it’s hard when you’re the mom
to make your child understand
just how VERY proud she is when he becomes a man!
13 Aug 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, Believing in yourself, change of attitude, courage, fragile, healing, Inner Child, lessons learned, letting go, patience, Perspective, Poetry
Tags: confidence, Gratitude, Letting Go, Poetry, Second opinion, self doubt, self evaluation, Time
Yesterday I spent an unexpected afternoon with an amazing woman. A decade or so ago, it might have surprised me that we would be having these kinds of afternoons together. You see the woman I am talking about is my Mother In-law and I guess it took a while to really appreciate her amazingness. She is a Psychologist and I’ve always felt as if I were ”kind of crazy” and so I was constantly on the defense. Let’s just say in my “maturity” I am appreciating her wisdom and she has invested a lot of patience and time in getting me to this place of acknowledgment.
I love it because even as a Psychologist, she is just now discovering new things about herself as well, so at times I feel as if we are unwrapping presents as together…. As we wander around our own souls. Talking about dreams and realizations, fears and hopes and faith and it was shocking how fast five hours flew by. Several years ago, I may have felt like it was a wasted day off. But now I gather it up as a cherished memory.
Recently, I have realized that I have begun to stop questioning myself as much. Giving myself permission to actually be right without asking everyone and their brother for their opinion. Today, I have decided to give myself permission to be right without any feedback. Sometimes you just know that you know that you know that you are right and you have to just make some painful decisions in life and own them.
Today we talked about learning to FEEL the pain when we are hurting and to actually recognize that IT is really real. I realized that I’d been making excuses and apologizing for how I feel. But my pain is usually reasonable and not some crazy misunderstanding that I’ve had with myself. Today I am learning to trust my own feelings and to start to give myself permission to heal. And to make choices about who and what to allow in my life and to not second guess myself nor need anyone else’s opinion. I wish I could bottle this ephiphanie so that I could share it in elixcer form! But I think we each have to figure out certain things all on our own sometimes.
I can’t explain it but when you recognize for the first time… something you have been doing wrong for decades and truly understand it. AND… can change it by just thinking differently it is like opening up a door to a wonderful room you had not allowed yourself to go in.
And you know what?? When you finally figure it out….It is freeing. It has made me feel lighter and yet strong enough to move mountains! It really is freeing when you finally allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. And not need everyone else to confirm that you really aren’t crazy after all. Try it. It is like a “click” that turns the light on so that you can almost see your own soul!
Agreeing With Just Me!
Inside of me I’ve begun to find
a place I go to clear my mind
it’s there that I’ve begun to know
the greatest feeling of letting go
to know that I don’t need to fight
to always prove that I am right
I’ve climbed to where the view is clear
I’ve gripped the vine and dropped the fear
I’ve felt the pain in holding on
somehow I’ve known all along
If I am right, that’s all I need
for… I just have to agree with me!
10 Aug 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, frustration, Gratefulness, kindness, Life Journey, Miracles, Mistakes, patience, self control
Tags: accidents, Driving, freeways, traffic jams
The other day I was on my way home from Los Angeles. I thought that I’d left early enough to have missed the traffic hour and was moving along quite well for several minutes, when all of a sudden it stopped. I am not sure why I am ever surprised anymore. But I’d really hoped for an easy drive that day, without a lot of glitches… Though it never seems to fail… something always causes a traffic jam when I am in route!
Slowly we inched along, maybe a mile in fifteen minutes and then a steady 30 or 40 miles an hour until it slowed again and we passed what was causing the traffic jam. A car had overturned. Though I have seen worse and heard people lived. I prayed as I passed it. I prayed for it to be one of those miraculous accidents where the ones involved survived without a scratch but I gotta tell ya it didn’t look good.
As we passed it we all started moving until we were going about sixty miles an hour but I noticed that the other side of the freeway had begun backing up and as I drove further, I saw that the traffic wound around the bend for what looked like miles.
Stopped in it’s tracks! And I could see why. It hadn’t even happened on their side of the freeway but everyone on the opposite side was bottle necking to see the overturned car on our side.
People were almost stopping to take a peek while others behind them began slamming on their brakes and honking
and it was one of those metaphoric moments that come to me every so often that made me realize that you never know why you hit those spots in life that hold you back, what is around the bend… and why things don’t always happen as we expect them too. Sometimes it is our fault and sometimes it is just something we couldn’t forsee and you can’t do anything but go with the flow patiently trusting that God is ahead of us clearing the way when we finally see the full picture and the mistakes in our life more clearly and hopefully learn from each one!
Sometimes, life just happens and there’s nothing you can do. Sometimes we focus on the negative, staying stuck. And other times we see our mistakes and learn from them.
Life is all about moving past the accidents,
keeping the faith…. and appreciating the ride when it moves along nicely. But knowing that the traffic eventually breaks and if you are patient… and give The Lord the steering wheel…you will always get to where you are going…. And hopefully if we are very patient…. the place HE has for each of us!!
Psalm 130:5 — I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.
01 Aug 2013
in aging, Becoming a grandma, change of attitude, ephifanies, Health, healthy life style changes, Healthy Living, humility, humor, Midlife Crisis, old friends, Perspective, Poetry, pride
Tags: acceptance, aging, Childhood memories, comedy, facebook, Humor, photos, Poetry, Survival
I couldn’t sleep the other night and so I went wandering around Facebook and tried to find some of my friends from the past and it made me realize one thing…. We all are old!!!!! lol.
Older faces staring back
hit me like a heart attack
everyone I used to know
where did you all seem to go?
I click on you and find your name
only your eyes look the same
I click on photos titled: “past”
I finally see “YOU” at last!
The one I remembered then…
An older version of my friend.
I wander through… browsing at the rest
I smile and click “Friend Request”
Hoping that you’ll recognize
Who I am now from my eyes
That’s when I realize what you will see
when you find my name and click on “ME”.
31 Jul 2013
in Blogging, Diaries, Perspective, Poetry, Writing
Tags: Diary, journaling, Online Writing, Poetry, reflection, WordPress, Writing
For as long as I can remember I have written. First in Diaries as a young girl and then in journals.
There is just something about a book filled with words that someone wrote by hand years before. When my Grandma died. Everyone was choosing memorable keepsakes they wanted that would help them to remember her. I happened to choose her little 5 year diary.
Photo of my Gram’s Diary
It was such a treasure because it was written between the years where she met my grandpa and had my mom! Now if you know me at all, you can imagine how special that is to me.
Pages from my Gram’s Diary
Whenever I pull it out and read it on those rare occasions, I like to picture my grandmother as a young girl, coming home from a date, excited and in love, flopping on her bed, pouring her heart into the allotted tiny little spaces reserved for her in a five year diary.
Part of my story is centered around my journaling. Not only are those books the keepers of my life’s journey but they are a reflection of my own mantra…. I have said over and over again to my kids and their friends that…
Our lives are like an empty book and every day we write another page.
We can look at our books as pages waiting to be filled and embrace them… or we can feel that we don’t have a lot of chapters left. In my case I have to admit feeling kind of stuck, as if I have a lot of torn pages with erase marks and crossed out words all over them. I am fighting to find my way back to grab a new chapter and hang on with dear life and yet … it is hard when you are tired and older and looking back at all those old journals… reading and remembering and wondering what the heck happened?
As I sat there reading all the journals in front of me, I couldn’t stop. I read them all.
My journals have been an interesting way that I have captured my past. Like photographs I have different snapshots in way of words on pages. Recently, I found a box of old journals and my Mantra kind of came true for me….
The first journal I pulled out was filled with silly, sad poems…
first about wanting to fall in love and then about falling in love and then the rest about my broken heart.
The next was filled with poems from my first marriage. Once again, falling in love and then a lot of writing about what went wrong.
Between having babies and finally going through a divorce, I found about five more books filled with prayers and poetry and pleadings to God to make it better. Finally I found one that is not finished about my life now… Once again, the falling in love and struggles and joys it has brought me.
My blog kind of has replaced my journaling in the way of writing in a book. Though I still love to shop for them and buy them as gifts or keep them just in case I am inspired to go sit on a hillside somewhere and write a poem.
Someone once told me that if anything happens to her she wants to make sure that she has someone appointed that will burn all of hers. I find that so sad. Burning my journals would be like killing a part of my soul. In a way, my words will keep me alive once I am gone. I am so glad that my grandma saved hers.
In my next few posts… I am going to share some of my poetry that I found. Some of them are pretty silly, some are sad, some are quite good and others pretty bad….but they all are parts of me from different times of my life….
Come with me if you like….
Here is the first one…. I wrote it after finding a book that I must have found a few times during my life because it starts out with my son as a baby, and then starts up again with my daughter being born and a lot about my struggling marriage and then I must have found it after I got my divorce and found a lot of pathetic poetry and then a few years later, I was writing about my new marriage… There I was holding my very own quote in my hands… my life written out as a story in a book. Funny how it all came full circle. I was facing my own advice. Knowing it was time for me to listen to myself.
Lost inside the memories
locked inside the pages
lost in the
rolling around in the grass
young and stupid
so in love
just on the edge
28 Jul 2013
in abusive relationships, Believing in yourself, Breaking, Confidence, courage, ephifanies, growth, healing, honesty, learning, letting go, Memories, Perspective, Poetry, pride, process, reflection, Relationships, Self affirmation
Tags: Beleiving in yourself, From Gone With The Wind's Tara, Self worth
As I write my story. I feel many emotions. And the words just flood out of me. They don’t really represent any place that I am now. But they will always represent a place that I will always be. This one is for me when I was just turning twenty and over three decades later…
Like stepping on glass, I test before I stand
but you jump right in not caring where you land
It’s all or nothing where ever you are concerned
I begin to wonder …. if I’ll ever learn
I need to test the waters, before I jump back in
Just so you know…. I won’t go back to that place again
That place where I left “me” behind
That place where you could seek but not find
I’ve found my footing and am on solid ground
I’ve been lost and now I’m found
I’m not sure if you’ll ever GET what I mean
but I’ll never again be stuck in your in-betweens.
22 Jul 2013
in creation, Everyone's own story, Life Journey, Perspective, Poetry, process, Progression, reflection, Renewal, Soul, Spiritual, Survivial, vessel
Tags: Childhood memories, Goals, Gratitude, Poetry, reflection, soul
I am but a vessel
that houses who I am
A symbol of the outside
where inside my soul lands
I’ll only love you if I really do
won’t fake it if I don’t
my ears have believed
a thousand lies
but my eyes…
well, they just won’t.
seems as if I’ve spent a lifetime
everyone wished I’d be
the most authentic
part of me!
Lately, I have done a lot of soul searching. Who are we really? I will tell you what I think. We are not the vessel we are wrapped up in. That is just a shell that carries us through out our journey. We are what is inside the package. A bunch of memories, joys, and tears, triumphs and mistakes, goals and dreams. A heart and soul and series of lessons learned. It is not what is on the outside at all. That is just our shell. It has nothing to do with what is truly important. In the end, what we leave behind is not the body we lived in… but the messages we believed in…. The faith we have shared, the authenticity we have learned to finally be comfortable in and accept nothing less.
Sure in the end….when people think of us… they will probably picture that vessel but it is what it carried that will really matter.
16 Jul 2013
in Anticipation, Attitudes, ephifanies, fragile, future, Goals, God, Gratefulness, hope
Tags: Assassination of John F. Kennedy, attitude adjustmement, Caroline Kennedy, God, John F. Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy Moment, Living in the moment, relationships, Space Shuttle, United States
I remember when I was in first grade and President Kennedy got shot. Our teacher walked into our classroom crying and told us what had happened. It is a memory I will never forget. Hence; “Kennedy Moment” is a caption that those of us who remember that day can understand clearly. Though I sometimes have wondered if the younger population truly understands exactly where the term came from. Since that day, there have been other iconic moments such as when the space shuttle exploded or the day 911 came to mean something different to a whole population than it had just the day before. And it has made me reflect on the moments in life that were my own Kennedy Moments.
When someone dies, when a baby is born, a fight, a celebration…we remember those moments in our lives when our own worlds changed forever. The choices we make in the moments we live. What is important. What really is not. We realize those moments as treasures and tragedies. But in embracing it all, as you live… you realize what truly matters and what just doesn’t. The relationships you let slip away, the ones you fight to maintain. It is all a series of lessons.
My daughter and I had the greatest converstaion yesterday about the past, present and future. She capsulized it by saying “The future really never exists except in our minds.” In essence she was sharing with me that our tomorrows are still in our imaginations. The events we plan may or may not ever happen or at least not the way we imagine them to. I am here to say that from the time I was very young. The future in my mind never really happened (in most instances) the way I imagined it back then when it was still just my future. Some of it happened better and some of it rolled out like a run away train that I had no control over but in the end the message here is to embrace today.
I remember the first time someone asked me to marry them, the first time I ever made love, our first fight, our last fight…
I remember breaking up with that person and thinking my life was over.
I remember meeting someone new, our wedding day… looking out down on my husband to be waiting for me and the feeling I felt as if it were just yesterday.
I remember lying in the hospital after becoming a mom for the first time. The feeling of joy I’d never experienced before, imagining my life as a mom and trying to imagine his future.
I remember all the pain that came after that. Trying to survive being married to someone who probably should never have married anyone.
I remember finding out that I was going to have another baby and wondering if I could love another as much as my son. having my daughter and knowing in an instant that God gives us all the love we need and more.
I remember my husband crying tears of joy when she was born and wondering if she would be the miracle we needed to keep our family together. Imagining all the hopes and dreams I had, still yet to come…when life was still unwritten for us all…
I remember certain “first days of school” for both my kids… and many of their firsts… first steps… first words… why did I want to rush it all?
I remember crying with my first husband as we held each other in front of the paralegal’s office we shared after deciding together to (ammicably) draw up our own divorce papers as all the dreams we’d once shared seemed to stop dancing through my head in one big fat Kennedy Moment.
I remember meeting my current husband and cautiously beginning to believe in happy endings again… but never really ever again in the same way. And the Kennedy Moment when I finally let go and knew that I loved him.
Today I think that as I look back at all my Kennedy moments…. the deaths and births, the iconic conversations and the forgotten ones… I understand more today than ever before that “TODAY” is all we have. Tomorrow is a gift God will decide if we get or not. So take today, this moment, this second and LIVE IT!!!!
Last night as my daughter and I had our conversation, I learned so much in our sharing and at that moment of inspiration… I realized that if THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS…. it is awesome!!!!
15 Jul 2013
in faith, God, Gratefulness, Love, Poetry, worship
Tags: Believing, Poetry, Understanding God
His GRACE is like a healing salve
His light shines on my path
His help is like a gentle knock
My heart the door he taps
His forgiveness is like a new day
letting go of sorrow
Giving hope to new dreams
to greet each new tomorrow
His peace is like a constant stream
That never will run dry
His love is like a golden pail
to catch the tears I’ve cried
In life we’re always striving
to chase our latest dream
when we only need to stop and see
HE is our everything!
08 Jul 2013
in communication, confusion, fragile, friendship, Goodbye, healing, honesty, hurts, lessons learned, letting go, Loss, Memories, Relationships, Reminscing, Time
Tags: Childhood memories, Friendship, Healing, Letting Go, Poetry, reflection
The messages attached to ”Good bye” mean different things at different times in our lives. To some it means see you later when to others it holds the sting of finality. And then there are those who though they may have said it a thousand times … they are the ones who will never completely ever be gone. They are the ones whose “goodbyes ” have as much strength as a feather.
And then…. there are the ones who are completely gone. They have left this world. Their ashes have been scattered and we will never hear their voices (at least not on this earth) again. In a way it really makes me resent the game playing in the frivilous goodbyes. I mean after all, life is so fragile. It should mean so much more than it seems to. We are not game pieces that can be moved by the toss of a dice. We are human beings with lives that are already hanging from the most fragile of threads. We can only play with the hand we are given but it makes how we play so much more important.
Inside the memory of a thousand good byes
my grieving heart sees through it’s lies
past the dreams we gave away
wondering now… what if we’d stayed?
so tell me again go ahead
beat the horse until it’s dead
Explain it to me, please just try
What should I do with your goodbyes?
07 Jul 2013
in Acceptance, Appreciation, Attitudes, Believing in yourself, Blogging, communication, fragile, Love, Writing
Tags: Blog, Humor, Personal Stories, relationships, Vow of silence, Writing
Some people are private, they don’t understand the need to be heard.
They could never understand the concept of bearing it all. But ever since I was very small I’ve felt different.
I am unique in that way. I’ve always considered it a waste to learn life lessons and not share the lesson learned. Whether in the way of written word or sharing in other forms… even if just over coffee.. It’s all in the relating. And you’ve got to know that somehow, each and every one of those times of relating will somehow find their ways to words I write someday. Not in a bad way, but in way of a lesson or a moment worth sharing. For when we write we are never truly alone and when you are lonely just write! I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt lonely as an adult. Even as a lonely child, I learned to create my own friends on paper, to read books filled with towns of people I was glad to know that I had that kind of power! And… Through our memories, our experiences and our lessons we learn to share so others don’t feel so alone. Think about it. There would be no books, or poems, no plays or movies or even sitcoms without writers! There would be no speeches or sermons, no quotes. Even God used writers to write HIS WORD! They need us!
Recently, I’ve had this need to go back and understand my mistakes in order to help others not make the same ones. If my lessons can help others… why not shout them from the mountain tops? Or at least fill the empty pages with words that can give hope to others who are hurting? I mean… what’s the big secret?
I also like to tell my story and relate it to yours. For we all have one. A story that is. And I have always felt that your story might help me and my story might help you and if we miss the opportunity to share a lesson we have learned it is like an empty schoolroom filled with unread books.
If you are a survivor of anything, you have a story! You have hope to offer. You have a gift to give someone going through what you have survived. What a waste to not give that hope away. An illness is cured, a heart is repaired, we are all survivors! When you are in love don’t you want to shout it from the mountain tops? Don’t you want everyone to feel your joy? Well, THAT my friend is just a chapter in your book waiting to be read by someone else who waits for that same kind of love.
When I am happy, I want to tell everyone about how I am feeling, to talk about it and explore it. If it is stifled, if you can’t share it… it almost robs you of the joy you were feeling. When I am sad, I want to talk about it, when I am angry I want someone else to understand. To be silenced is like being held captive.
Like a writer without paper, like a pen without ink.
To write is like shouting it from a mountain top.
To not be able to is like our own private hell.
We are all different and that is what makes the world go around.
I can honestly say that I’ve never written anything I didn’t mean. Writing gives you a chance to backspace and be very thoughtful about what you say…. unlike just blurting it out. We tend to take more time when we are telling our ”story” it is a pretty magical process. It really is about our stories… Those are all we ever really have left of value in the end anyway, isn’t it? So regardless of how tactful or private everyone else is… or isn’t… Or if they do or don’t understand what I share or why I need to… I will never stop writing my story… never stop writing the words on the pages of my life. Even if I am the only one who learns the lessons I was supposed to learn.
02 Jul 2013
in Acceptance, aging, Appreciation, Attitudes, change of attitude, Determination, ephifanies, falling in love again, growing older, healing, Life Journey, Life lessons, Love, marriage, Memories, Midlife Crisis, passion, patience, Perseverance, Perspective, Poetry, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Renewal
Tags: Pain, Poetry, reflection, relationships, Revelation
This one is for those who remember these words from a verse I heard long ago…
“Oh my love come grow old with me… for the BEST is yet to be….
So many times when we are young we don’t grasp that we are actually living our “Good Old Days” we have bills and toddlers to deal with and then suddenly in a blink of an eye it is over… our toddlers have grown up and moved on to have families of their own and we find ourselves living like strangers wondering WHO is this person I am living with? Perhaps with much water under the bridge where we even forget why we fell in love in the first place… It is up to us to remember. To realize that we almost missed the BEST in the part we promised each other long ago.
If you are in that place… lonely and wondering; WHERE the the heck is the BEST you promised me?! Look inside yourself. And remember LOVE is a verb!
I caught myself looking at you
and in the wisp of the moment,
on the breath of love,
as an angel’s wing brushed my heart
what falling felt like…
The scent of joy and passion
the sound of laughter
riding on a memory…
All mixed in with the pain of life
that almost made me forget.
But in that glance
I fell down into my memories
rushing past all the bad
and landing in all the good
falling, falling, falling
in love again.
Diane Reed ’13