04 Dec 2013
in Appreciation, Thank you, Time, True Love, Twenty Year Anniversary Poem, Wisdom
Tags: Anniversary, Poetry, relationship, Romance
What is love?
I mean really, really really love?
It’s feeling the spark when we first said hello
and kissing you good-bye, not wanting to let go
it’s every time you’d call and the feelings I’d feel
it’s all those and more that made our love seem so real
It was dreaming the dreams of what was to come
and making me feel brilliant when I’d say something dumb!
It was the hope that I felt when we both said I DO….
and the million other things that makes our love true…
But It’s also…
the dirty laundry, budgets and bills
and loving me still, without all of the thrills.
Sometimes…. candlelit dinners or just good old Taco Bell
It’s giving me space when I’m giving you hell!
It’s loving my kids and making them yours
It’s all of my baggage that you have endured
It’s twenty years of some pretty big ups and downs
it’s sticking it out and hanging around
Ahhh yes the meaning of love has changed a bit through the years
and for me I know now it’s because you’re still here!
Happy Twentieth My Love!
In Twenty years I have learned this….
“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed,
revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”
― Audrey Hepburn
12 Nov 2013
in abusive relationships, Anger, Breaking, coming of age, courage, growth, healing, letting go, Life lessons, lost loves, Poetry
I laugh in the face of your anguish.
My revenge is in your unrest.
You came back to claim my innocence,
your anger, my last test.
You cried for my forgiveness
as you tried to steal my soul,
cleverly claiming ignorance
as you continued to dig the hole.
Planting seeds beneath the surface,
as they grew to strangle me.
You told me you were planting beauty,
when you were only sowing weeds.
Once again… I want to say that this is just for my book! I need poems that go with the stories I am writing. This is NOTHING to do with now… so no worries!
10 Nov 2013
in lessons learned, Perspective, Poetry, reflection, self worth, Wisdom
Tags: Computer Techie stuff, legacy, Making a difference, passwords, Remeberance
I don’t look for you anymore
I think it is so funny and a little metaphorical as I find myself having to click “Remember Me” constantly when signing in onto various places where I belong. Whether it is my Facebook page, my bank account, or even here at wordpress… it seems as if my accounts are never saved, even when I click the button, cyberly telling the ”powers out there” to save them. And so several times a week I have to re-insert my password on my personal laptop and phone. It may be a glitch or as my husband likes to point out; “user error” in how I have my settings set. but I thought it was comical. I am offended that my own personal computer can’t remember me!!!!
Sometimes I have felt like an old forgotten teapot on the back burner. But I have come to the conclusion that nobody can fill me up but me. And so I really am challenging myself to see things differently. To create someone that makes a difference instead of staying on that back burner of life!~
I guess my point here is; How do I want to be remembered? As a writer, I hope to make an impact, to inspire, to maybe even change somone’s point of view and mostly to touch their heart and soul. As a parent, I hope to be remembered as a memory maker of special traditions, someone who loved her kids with the kind of love that is unmatchable and gave them roots enough to ground them but wings enough to trust that they will make a difference in their own lives soaring as high as they can. As a wife I would hope that my husband would remember how I showed my love for him rather than all the other things he might recall.
I have a handful of friendships that I have carried with me over a lifetime. I am proud of those friendships because i feel that it shows character when someone invests years in cultivating something that turns into more of a family kind of love. I guess in a way, those friendships, make it less necesarry for me to add new ones to the mix. Sometimes, I am comfortable just being over the fence friends. Caring for someone at a distance. I think that I have been so hurt by people in my past that I fight the feeling of wanting to get too close too fast. And I have since realized that in doing that, I might have missed out on some great friendships. Because after all, I want to be remembered in a way that makes a difference and nothing really worth anything comes without risk! Right?
Will I have made a difference
when you remember me?
When you read my words
will you see things differently?
Will I have helped you look at things
from a different point of view?
Will having had known me
be important to you?
07 Nov 2013
in abusive relationships, affirmation, reflection, Relationships, Self affirmation, self awareness, surviving, tolerance, validation, venting, Wisdom
Tags: emotional abuse, Healing, Letting Go, reflection, regaining our power
I’ve been told that I need a lot of it… “Affirmation” that is. Who knows why? Maybe because I felt silenced when I was younger.
Or maybe just not heard. Now, I bubble my stories out to the world. Doesn’t matter if I have known you for one minute or many years. I’ve finally found a voice and my words help me connect.
Today my poor sweet husband gets much of the wrath that he does not deserve. Sometimes I feel him nudging me under the table. He says he is protecting me from me. I know he just cares, though I can’t help but feel a little offended and reeled in at times. Even though he probably is right. Maybe less is more.
But I feel I’ve been hushed for way too long. The problem is…
I have this story inside of me that I feel needs to be told. A story to empower young girls and perhaps make the men in their lives take a closer look at themselves. When I was younger I was in a very controlling relationship where I plainly just lost “me” for the sake of “him.”
Everytime I excused the way he treated me, I lost a little bit of “myself” in the process.
There is more to the story and my heart is conflicted in telling it, for I feel an odd kind of loaylty in the act of forgiveness that happened years later. I understand more now about my abuser and my heart truly does ache for him. But having acknowledged that, I feel that if just one person is taught something then the pain was not wasted. My message is that NO ONE should be hushed. Everyone’s heart deserves to be heard. I think Aibileen said it best to Mae Mobley in “The Help “ You is strong, you is smart and you is important.” If we were taught that as young girls and didn’t allow anyone to come and challege it, there would be fewer young women in the world allowing the abuse that they experience.
Our opinions may not fit perfectly in the spaces that others want them to…
But we have a right to have them, just as they have a right to have theirs. Somebody needs to wake us up. Perhaps Glinda said it best to Dorothy when she said… “You had the power all along my dear.”
We All Break If We Don’t Bend
When did she leave? That part of me?
“she’d” never have allowed the pain.
I guess she didn’t want to see
the parts that still remained
like painted tea cups upon a shelf
handled with such care
always worrying they were too high
so why’d she put them there?
I know that we all have choices
in the messages we send
I can see it more clearly now…
We all break if we don’t bend.
“Forget what hurt you in the past. But never forget what it
27 Oct 2013
in aging, Attitudes, change of attitude, Depression, ephifanies, Gratefulness, hope, lessons learned, letting go, Poetry, process, Self affirmation, self awareness
Tags: happiness, Poetry, reflection, Sadness
I have had it all wrong. All of these years, I have laid back upon my past resting comfortably on it’s memories. Whether it is longing for it, or blaming it. I have bought into the theory that you can’t help what haunts you. And yet, you “can” choose to embrace TODAY. I have learned that… Tomorrow is the chain reaction to how we each live our todays. When you finally GET that your life will change from the inside out.
Yesterday I chose to embrace NOW. I enjoyed and appreciated who life put in front of me that second. And you know what? I wasn’t miracuously filled with so called joy, but I was less annoyed and simply happy. I realize that I have been stuck in a pretty sad place. People actually noticed that I was different and it made me sit up and take notice…. That people actually noticed that I was different, made me realize how they might have been seeing me before. It is not easy for me to admit that I need to work on places that are so simple and that I have been so stuck, but it is exciting to realize that I have the power to choose how I want to live my life each day.
Over the years, I have accumulated layers of sadness that I can’t deny. My heart has been broken a few times, I have been disappointed and dishonored. But those who dishonored me have done nothing more than i have done to myself by denying my own passion. If you’ve only known me for a while, you probably know I am a writer. Each day, I feel that I am getting closer to connecting with the right people and just perhaps, walking the right paths where opportunities will rise up to greet me.
All I know, is that…
You can blame, or embrace the challenges you face
You can stay in your pain, staying stuck in ”that” place
getting lost in the layers you’ve known through the years
as you collect and are the keeper of all of your tears…
Or you can choose to believe that today is God’s gift
and be part of the lesson teaching others how to live
You can rise above all the pain you’ve experienced in your life
as your message sings a song that reaches new heights!
26 Oct 2013
in passion, Writing, Writing my book
Tags: A writer is born, bits from my archives
I have come to the conclusion that in-between being a kid, a wife, a mom, single or married. Working for myself as an artist or a store owner or working for someone else, the one thing that I have always been is a writer. It is what defines me. I have filled books with ideas and half started stories I have written poems and lyrics for songs. I have a million, trillion words inside of me that I want to share.
I have listened and asked questions. I have read a thousand books and I have come to the conclusion that everyone has a story worth telling. We all can learn lessons from each other and so I feel that… we ALL should really be writers. But I “get” that some (well probably most normal people) don’t have the “need” to share their stories. Their words are kept neatly in their brains! Thank you very much!
But I will always write! I have to. It is what I was made to do. I know that I drive people crazy by needing to know details and asking questions. I never really understood myself, why I have such a need “to know” stuff… but I think in the end… I will use everything, every little detail… to write stories that I haven’t even thought up yet!
All of us have different talents and weaknesses, sorrows and joy. We all beat to a different drum and so not everyone feels the same passion in their soul for the same thing another may. Which is a very good thing because not all teachers can design a building and not all Mechanics can assist in open heart surgery. But if that ‘thing’ that I call “magic” wasn’t squelched by life, most of us do have passion for something we want to be when we grow up, no matter how old we are. I truly feel sorry for the kid who doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up. I actually, believe that writers are born to be writers… and they know it. AND some even get to get paid for doing it .
Passion is important. It makes you get up in the middle of the night to write what is in your head or else you feel as if you will burst kind of passion.
Sometimes it does kind of get in the way of life, when I have to get up early for a job and I have been writing all night, those ideas don’t always happen at the most convenient of times…. But no matter how inconvenient… I am glad I have it. When I was little, I’d escape my world of pain, by just opening a book. Each page I turned, had me slipping into a world far away from my own problems. Long ago, I knew that I wanted to do that for others. Writing is a gift that can make the whole world go away or bring it straight to our front door through the archives of our memories.
A singer has to sing. An actress has to act, an artist has to create, a dancer has to dance and a doctor has to heal. A carpenter has to build, a comedian has to cause laughter, a swimmer has to swim and a writer has to write! Like a florist in her garden who takes time to smell the flowers, a writer’s words have their own sweet aroma that only her soul can smell.
18 Oct 2013
in abusive relationships, Believing in yourself, Confidence, emotional abuse, fragile, Goodbye, growth, healing, honesty, letting go, Life Journey, Loss, Memories, Perspective, Poetry, Relationships, self worth, STRENGTH, Survivial, Wisdom, young love
Tags: Closing doors, moving on, Poetry
Looking back into the mirror,
a reflection of my past…
The doors I chose to walk through
and the ones I closed too fast…
Messages I never got
and the ones that I received…
the ones I knew were just your lies
and the ones that I believed
all pour through my memory
like rain beating on my heart
years are not the only thing
that have torn my dreams apart.
and made me see the strength in me
as I gather them up with care
and move on to another day
where I won’t find you there
14 Oct 2013
in Poetry, Writing
Tags: Poetry, reflection, Writing
The other day, my good friend Sandy, a great writer herself, sent me a quote on how writing is courageous and how we put our flesh and blood down on paper and what a powerful thing we do, allowing someone in our mind of tangled and beautiful thoughts, in a way saying “here, untangle me.” And it inspired me to write this…
I invite you inside of me,
past the paper and the words,
past the adjectives and nouns,
between the errors and adverbs…
to see the rawest part of
the pain that I feel
the fantasies I wite about
that I wish could be real.
The joy in the
very depth of my soul,
the triumphs and failures
that lead to my goals
you have followed me on every journey
and walked on every path.
You’ve been there through my tears
and know what makes me laugh.
Each word has been a trail,
weaved throughout my written life.
I give you each a part of me
in every word I write.
14 Oct 2013
in Book in progress, Chapter Nine, Critiques, Editing, first draft, Writing my book
This is a revised version of the very last chapter that I published (a while ago) from my book that is still in progress! In honor of those who have taken the time to read and even help with editing. I have tried to take all the suggestions and though I know there may be more to work on… I’d love anyone’s feedback who might take the time to read it. As always… I have mentioned before that if you have not read the first previous chapters (one through eight) you might not follow… but for those who have… Here is Chapter Nine revised. Thank you for your time!
In the weeks that followed, Keri learned to handle her relationship with Jack on her own. It was a balancing act. She thought that she was doing fine. But people began asking her if she was okay. She caught herself snapping back. Keri trusted no one to talk about Jack’s mood swings, Keri carried it all on her own shoulders. Then one day, Mrs. Walker came to her with tears in her eyes. She’d been worried about Keri and actually read her journal, “not all of it, but enough” she confessed. Keri was horrified. She’d always trusted the agreement they’d shared, without so much of a second thought and through the years, she never suspected otherwise and became quite unconcerned and free about what she’d write. If truth be known, her teacher never breached that trust ever before, until she had she’d seen a change in Keri. Keri was coming to class upset more and more often. One day Keri came to drop off an assignment and hadn’t waited to talk to Mrs. Walker who called after her. Keri did not hear her. Or at least acted as if she hadn’t. Mrs. Walker was pretty sure she had.
Keri scrambled inside her head as her teacher stood in front of her with a pitiful look of concern. She tried to recall what she might have written recently. When there’d been no other place to go but inside the pages of her journal. Mrs. Walker laid the leather-bound book in front of her. Tears of anger burned in Keri’s eyes. All this time, Keri had believed that Mrs. Walker was just initialing each new entry without reading a word. Now, she didn’t know what to believe. Keri snatched the book up and held it tightly against her chest. She wondered how far back that Mrs. Walker might have read. Her teacher saw the look of betrayal on Keri’s face and rushed to explain. She’d just been concerned, now, she couldn’t ignore what she’d read. Keri stiffened as Mrs. Walker tried to touch her arm. She pulled away and picked up her books and ran out of the library without a word.
Keri agonized all night long. She couldn’t talk to Jack about this. He would be so angry with her. He did not know about the journals. She’d read poems to him from them, but her journals had been hers. They were not even for Jack to know about. She had not wanted him to ask to read them so she never mentioned them. Her head swam. All of a sudden the room started spinning. Keri grabbed her mouth and ran to the bathroom and got sick. Keri kneeled by the basin coughing and crying. She’d never felt so betrayed. And yet the hardest thing about her anger was that she knew that her teacher really did just care. And yet she was just so ashamed that anyone knew that she’d allowed Jack to treat her the way she’d described in those sacred pages. Now, she felt naked and as if she wanted to run away, far away where no one knew her. That night she decided that she was going to finish High School even earlier than she’d planned. She did not want to have to deal with Mrs. Walker or anyone. She was so confused. During their conversation, Mrs. Walker told Keri she’d always be there for her if she needed her and suggested that perhaps she’d really wanted her to read what she’d written. It just made no sense to Keri and more angry at her teacher.
The next day Keri went to her counselor to find out exactly what credits she still needed. She was happy to discover that she could complete them all by taking the required exams through a few independent study classes that she could do on her own through the counseling office at the local community college. She was surprised how everyone seemed to support her plan. Keri explained that she wanted to finish her Senior year early since her schedule was so minimal. She told everyone that she planned to start working at the Speech and Development School full-time, and have a little time in-between before she had to start her college classes. She decided that rather than going away to school, she would take some of her general education classes at the same community college where the counseling office was that she would be reporting to until she completed her High School credits. Surprisingly, her counselor and her parents didn’t question her new change of plans even though she’d be forfeiting the scholarships she’d applied for. In fact, her mom and dad didn’t seem to discourage or encourage her to go to college. Jack was the only one who really encouraged her to go and yet the idea of going away to school now, seemed less and less appealing to both of them as they fell more deeply in love.
The weeks passed quickly and her own graduation was uneventful. There just wasn’t one. A few months later, after completing all of the requirements. She’d gone to pick up her report card and diploma from the office, only to be told that her official diploma would not be available until after her graduating class had gone through the actual ceremony in June. Suddenly the realization of what she’d done and was missing out on, hit her. Her choices impacted many things she’d been looking forward to. She’d known that she would miss her prom and other school activities the following year, but she’d also reasoned that Jack would not have wanted to go to any of it and she did not want to go without him. And yet, Keri couldn’t help feel a tear slip down her cheek as she headed for the parking lot, with her report card in her hand.
The year before meeting Jack, she’d been invited to a boy’s Grad night who she’d met at church and been dating casually for a few months. He was valedictorian of his class and Keri was honored to be his date. They’d gone to Disneyland after she’d watched him speak to his graduating class and the entire night had been magical. She was glad that she had that memory, and decided it was going to have to be enough. She was just relieved that school was behind her and that Mrs. Walker had not said anything to anyone else about what she’d read in Keri’s journals. Keri was sure she would have called her parents but for some reason she hadn’t, and Keri was grateful.
When Keri ripped open her report card and saw the A+ in English, a melancholy feeling came over her. She walked toward her car as she scanned the paper. Memories flooded her thoughts as she remembered all the things she’d learned about writing from Mrs. Walker. She remembered the first time her teacher approached her with tears in her eyes after reading something that she’d written and telling Keri that she had a gift. Tears blurred Keri’s eyes, just as she was about to bump into Mrs. Walker herself, who looked equally surprised. She’d not seen Keri for several weeks though signed off on her class after learning of her plans to not pursue her current scholarship she’d been disappointed but decided not to interfere. In fact, she decided to do nothing.
Keri had seen the familiar signature and had felt uncomfortable. She hadn’t seen her teacher since that day in the library. Only she and Mrs. Walker knew the truth of why she was really graduating early. ”Thanks for the A” Keri said uncomfortably. “You earned it as always, Keri”. Mrs. Walker smiled “Good luck to you honey, you are very talented, I hope you do something great with your writing.” Keri knew that graduating early had ruined her chances for several of the scholarships she was up for, ones that they worked on together. Suddenly they just hugged. Though it wasn’t clear who reached out first. The embrace was long and genuine. “Thanks for everything Mrs Walker” Keri whispered hoarsely and Mrs. Walker hugged her a little tighter and then slowly let go. At that moment, she knew Keri better than any adult in her life. The years of mentoring and long talks about her dreams to write, and then watching her progress and win awards, had been her teacher’s own reward. She wanted to say so many things to Keri at that moment and yet she knew that they were all things she would have to learn on her own.
08 Oct 2013
At the risk of tooting my own horn. And the need for a good affirmation every once in a while. I just had to share this idea that Leah had! For us all to go and thank our commentors! They are the ones that keep us going. I totally am blown away by this recognition! But I thought it was such a stellar idea. As one of her followers said... they'd trade one great comment for 100 LIKEs. It really does make a difference. You never know. At the risk of breaking the 500 word rule which I probably do everytime ;) Here is my sweet friend's wonderful blog of the day! Oh yeah did I mention it was about me? ;D
07 Oct 2013
in change of attitude, Gratefulness, humility, lessons learned, reflection, Spiritual
Tags: God, Harvest (wine), Vineyard
Today was an amazing day. I got to hang out with great friends in their vineyard and be part of their harvest! They invited us to help pick their grapes and it was an awesome experience.
The group of people that gathered this morning happily worked like a fine oiled machine. We each got a bucket to fill, a glove and pruning shears. And though I missed church (which I have been doing a lot lately, another blog for another time…. ) I kind of had my own service all within my own few rows of grapes.
I am kind of competitive, even with myself. So I had fun seeing how fast I could fill a bucket and how many I could fill. The only thing was that the fuller the bucket got, the further down the row I got and the place to dump the grapes was all the way back up the row.
So after a few dumps, I jokingly made a comment that we needed a bucket dumper who went around and took our filled buckets in exchange for an empty one. Low and behold someone took on that task.
Of course “me” the lover of a good metaphor is not going to let this one pass. So, I started relating the bucket dumper to what God does for us… He provides us with a bountiful harvest and takes the fruits of our labors and lessens our load with His grace. The job of the bucket dumper is not a glorified one.
I’ve always loved it when I get to cook a great meal and someone will come in behind me as I go and wash the dishes.
They are the ones without the glory and yet most appreciated by not only the chef and the winemaker but everyone not having to do that job..
So… whether it is a meal or a bottle of wine, it is not in just the end result but all that goes on behind the scenes. It’s all about the entire process and sometimes, it’s not just about how many buckets that ”I” fill but it is more about being grateful for the dish washers and the bucket dumpers that help create the magic!
Sometime it’s not about how full the bucket is, but what’s in the heart of the one who fills it.
Diane Reed ’13
01 Oct 2013
in faith, God, Life Journey, Life lessons, Poetry, Spiritual
Tags: Heaven, soul
The mystery of our souls and the way that they are formed
makes me wander back to a place, long before I was born
I imagine heaven and God preparing me for earth
and how I must have played up there long before my birth
It’s makes me kind of sad that we forget it all so fast
the memory of how we started and why it couldn’t last
It must be in the lessons and the things we’ve yet to know
the ones that we hang on to and the ones that we let go
My soul has always been there, though sometimes I feel it more
through the darkest times and the times it’s been restored
Carrying me through trials and when I felt most alone
floating upon the memory of the promise to return home.
29 Sep 2013
in Depression, growth, healing, hurts, Life Journey, Loss, Poetry, Survivial
Tags: Feeling Lost, Letting Go, Poetry
Even though you are here…
I am alone
I run through my heart
And no one’s home
Even though you are talking
I can’t hear
It’s like I’m driving away
Forgetting to steer
Everything is spinning
I want to feel it
Everyone is so in love
Just want to feel it
It takes everything in me
To not feel it.
22 Sep 2013
in Acceptance, Family, Father, healing, Heroes, humility, Love, Parenting, passion, patience, Poetry, STRENGTH
Tags: Childhood memories, God, Hope, Poetry, relationships, self evaluation
It’s not about muscles that make people think we’re strong,
it’s not about the faults of other’s that makes you the one not wrong,
it’s not about the things we do so that others see them too,
It’s more in our transparency that gives us each a better view.
It’s when I’ve seen the strongest man bend down upon his knees
to wipe the tears from a child’s eyes as he listens to his pleas,
it’s when he stops to hold a stranger’s door even when he’s in a hurry
or calls his wife each time he’s late, knowing that she might be worried.
It’s when he brings her flowers home for really no reason at all,
it’s when he’s kneeling in prayer that makes him seem so tall.
All these things show more strength than any winner of a fight,
for strength is in the example of always trying to do what’s right.
Someday we’ll all look back and see things from a different point of view
we’ll see the things we did and the things we wished we didn’t do,
we’ll wonder why we were stubborn and just couldn’t let things go,
we’ll each learn different things about ourselves we wish that we had known.
We all will someday end up at the same place of awakening
where we each meet our Maker, at a time when our heart is breaking,
where we fall upon our knees, realizing where we did it wrong,
and in that moment of weakness it is then we’ll be most strong.
20 Sep 2013
I woke up to this wonderful post this morning. This is my daughter's blog. She doesn't write quite as often as I do so when she does it is a special treat for me! She used to tag along to my art shows and now she has me tagging along to hers! She is a talented actress and moved to Los Angeles over five years ago to pursue her dreams of becoming one. She has finished school, and continues to take classes and has joined SAG which is not a small task in it'self. Her jobs that she works are all acting related but in the mean time she has started "crafting" in a way of sculpting and painting and everytime she creates something new I am blown away. It's funny, when she was younger, I could tell that she was a talented writer. Once her English teacher even cried when he read something that she wrote. I hoped that her degree would be pursuing writing in someway. Now she is writing screenplays and living her life with a passion that makes me glad that I didn't hold her back from doing exactly what she was good at... And at the risk of sounding a bit like a BRAG BOOK.... It seems like THAT is just about a little of everything! Please take the time to follow my best friend on her journey as she becomes exactly who she is supposed to be.
16 Sep 2013
in Acceptance, bad neighbors, Compassion, criticism, good neighbors, humor, patience, pride in ownership realtor, Relationships
Today I have a wonderful neighbor. Their backyard is magical. And I appreciate living next to them everyday! I have been blessed with great neighbors in the different places that I have lived. Some have become life long friends. But I do remember once upon a time when my neighbor was horrible. She hated me till the day she died I think. It was sad. I even had dreams of her liking me. It bothered me so much. I’d gotten a notice about BIG Refuse Pick Up Day that our city offered annually. It was a day that you could put big things out and the city would come and haul them away.
I was young and probably not as gracious as I am now :) And looking back, I could have been a little more tactful. But I left a note on my neighbor’s van offering my husband’s help to move her washers and dryers out to the curb if she so chose. I thought that it was an innocently helpful and quite neighborly offer. The appliances had been facing my kitchen door since we’d moved in almost a year earlier. She’d never been particularly friendly even before we moved in, but that note caused WORLD WAR III between us. She was not a very happy person to begin with and later I learned that she had a lot of issues that I was not aware of.
They say hind sight is 20/20 and I think that I understand her position better now. She was probably about my age then, that I am now and I was barely 30. She might have been a little offended because I was so much younger and perhaps she thought… came across as pompous though I really just wanted to make sure she had not missed the notice. Though if we are being honest here… I really did not want to look at her appliances staring back at me for another year, I wish that I’d done nothing now. I don’t like when someone doesn’t like me. But then not everyone liked Jesus. So why should I expect more? But it really wasn’t worth it. And looking back if it had not been that note… it would have been something else. She was just looking for an enemy. There are just some people that I have run into in my life, that I haven’t been able to win over with my irresistable charm, believe it or not!
Though she did have a daughter that ended up being a blessing and we became friends when she found The Lord and we discovered that our birthdays were on the same day. It was a friendship that evolved with a lot more hard work than I am used to when it comes to cultivating friendships; We had kids around the same age and when they did not get along, I think she expected drama between the moms, where I felt it was important for the kids to just work it out. But in the end, a friendship evolved and the kids grew up and got along and it is a sweet memory how I see God worked it all out. And now I am glad that I made the effort.
This morning I’ve been watching a marathon, a show called House Hunters, and one of the episodes was about a couple looking over into the neighboring yard filled with junk and it made me flash on my memories of those neighbors….
Soooo…. I thought I’d write a more lighthearted post today with a little message to remind us all about judgment even when we feel we are on the right side of the fence. Today I am getting ready to work in my yard and it made me wonder what “my neighbors” see on their other side of the fence.
The Other Side Of The Fence
I looked over the fence and what did I see?
A few piles of junk staring right back at me
two washers and three dryers lined up in a row
If they ever worked, I guess we’ll never know
As I peeked through the fence I was so horrified
it looked like a graveyard where someone had died
a few bird cages, an old bike and a barbecue now twisted
all toppled on each other as if they never existed
I tried to smile and I tried to be nice
and tried not to scream when I saw all the mice
I even waved hello when the neighbors came out
to see what it was that I was shouting about
I didn’t want to offend them by gawking some more
even though I’d just purchased the house right next door!
(Sometimes we don’t always see past our own fences)
Lord help me to not be so fast to judge!
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
Luke 6:27 ESV
10 Sep 2013
in Attitudes, Depression, Determination, faith, healing, Poetry, prayer, Spiritual
Tags: facing the day, Poetry, Survival
The sun splashed across the morning sky
as I woke up early and opened my eyes.
I jumped out of bed and slowly yawned
as I looked out the window to greet the dawn.
Nothing had changed in the night before;
I had the same problems I couldn’t ignore.
But something inside of me couldn’t give up,
it nudged me and pushed me till I finally got up!
Yesterday I decided to just stay in bed,
as angry voices screamed in my head.
it was easier to just give in to their call,
but then…yesterday, nothing got done at all!
So I decided today to not let them win!
I’d take control and give it to HIM!
It’s all in the choices we ultimately make.
To walk through the garden, or stay stuck at it’s gate!
It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect.
03 Sep 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, Blogging, change of attitude, ephifanies, God, Gratefulness, Health, letting go, Miracles, Poetry, prayer, worry
Tags: Don't sweat the small stuff, faith, Gratitude, Healing, Hope, Poetry, Prayer
I follow a blog by a fellow blogger and follower of my blog named Dyan, that challenges us to find things to be grateful for in life. She is faithful in her commitment to write a daily word of encouragement and it has become an easy read. Today’s seemed to trigger a memory for me. It made me STOP and really see what I have been doing for over a decade… I realized that I am afraid to just let go and be grateful. To live in the moment to not worry about yesterday or tomorrow to just be grateful for something as simple as the ability to enjoy jam on my toast in the morning. I know it sounds funny… but some of you GET me so well… I know you’ll understand.
Here is an excerpt from her post today:
It may be small, like the peach jam on your toast in the morning, pretty flowers that you pass on a walk - or it can be big, like a job opportunity we are presented with. But if we are watching for things to be grateful for through our days, we will find them. Living gratefully, purposely taking time to be grateful every day will bring us more things to be grateful for. That is a great reason to keep a gratitude list every day.
To read the whole thing… here it is:
Well over ten years ago, I remember picking up an article in the waiting room of a medical office where I had my yearly exam. It was an excerpt from the book…”Don’t sweat the small stuff… And it’s all small stuff” We’ve all heard about it since. But it was new to me then. As a child, I always worried. I have since realized I’d become a co-dependent at an early age and always seemed to be waiting for something bad to happen.
I remember really reading every word and deciding that I was going to stop and smell the flowers just as I was called in for my turn… I remember light heartedly changing into the paper gown and waiting for the doctor. We made the usual small talk and then the expression on his face changed. It got more serious. He’d found a lump in my throat. It was strange… I never felt it………. I think at that moment the whole thing about not sweating the small stuff was extracted from my memory.
For the next few weeks, appointments for surgeons and ultra sounds all filled the parts of my brain that was going to not sweat anything. I’ve always tried to protect my kids from my problems but somehow my daughter found out and demanded to know what was going on and then promptly prayed for me. It was a sweet simple prayer but ever since she was little, when she prayed she believed that God really heard her and kind of just expected Him to take care of everything. (If only we all could have that childlike faith!) After an ultra sound and a surgeon not finding anything at his exam it all seemed to have been a mistake or had it? Perhaps there had been something there and God heard the prayers of a child…my sweet daughter.
I just know that as I read Dyan’s blog today… it triggered a memory. I think at that moment in the Doctor’s office… I’d decided to truly not sweat the small stuff and then in the next moment… I’d been hit by a Mack Truck… not small stuff by any sense of the imagination. I am not sure what happened… maybe it was a mistake… maybe even the devil… but I think I was afraid to not sweat the small stuff ever again…. I think that I have been sweating it ever since… trying to be grateful… but always with one eye cocked over my shoulder… All I know is that this little reminder pricked a memory about never trusting anyone or anything with the free abandonment of thinking it is all small stuff because it can change at any moment. I guess that since then… I’ve always waited for the other shoe to fall. Nor have I ever completely relaxed since.
I know that life isn’t necessarily without catastrophe. Since that day… I’ve experienced illness of loved ones, earthquakes, and even death. But I have also experienced answered prayer, good health and the miracle of birth. I know it’s not all small stuff. But this little daily reminder, this once a day dose of being grateful really made me take a look at where I stopped appreciating the moment and began trying to deny it’s existence. I’ve been seriously robbed by the joy of relaxing in my gratitude. Like a thief in the night it was snatched from me. Today is a new day and I am just grateful to be sitting here knowing it. And I am grateful for all of God’s Vessels who come into my life with messages as way of their blogs. Perhaps this one might remind you to not sweat the small stuff and though it might not all be small stuff… to recognize when it is and to trust God with the rest! Have a grateful day!
A baby smiles and I see a glimpse of heaven.
A flower grows from a crack in the cement.
A stranger holds the door open…
Are these messages possibly Heaven sent?
A garden’s fragrance, a butterflies wings
A sunrise inside the warmth of dawn
A child’s laughter, a friend’s simple note
when you thought you couldn’t go on…
A slice of toast with some special jam
warm socks on a cold morning
Ahhh such is the joy in feeling grateful
that appears in my heart without warning.
02 Sep 2013
in Appreciation, Blog friends, Blogging, communication, Family, Friends from Blogging, friendship, My Blog, Poetry, Writing
Tags: Friendship, Poetry, reflection, Writing
I know that I’ve written about this before. But I just can’t get over the connection I have with some of you. When I started blogging, I was pretty much doing it for me. A place to store my rambilings and perhaps share some of it with my close friends. But then… Oh and then… something magical happened.
You guys did!
Thank you for happening to me!
I used to pick up my pen to write
when I was there, at my desk alone.
I would write and then re-read
and my feedback was my own.
But somehow through the scheme of things
I opened another door
and all at once you guys came in
and I was not alone there anymore!
Somehow we’ve formed a village,
a neighborhood of those who understand.
Some of you are not too far away,
and some are in other lands.
But somehow through our passion,
through our need to feel heard;
we all have connected
through our love of the written word!
This was my reply to the first comment that came in…
(It fit perfectly for the way that I feel about many of you… I thought I’d cut and paste it and add it in the actual post so you understand just how important you have all become to me and how much I appreciate you!)
I am so glad to have met you as well! YOU were one of the ones that inspired this. Some come and go and then come back into each of our lives. No guilt trips or expectations. Just glad to see ya when you’re here and miss you when your not. But thrilled to reconnect with those who haven’t been around a while and excited to make new friends here each day, who I might find that connection with… and when it happens… it is like magic!
I don’t need to ask anyone to read my blog or what they think… I have you all who do that for me. I loved one of the pictures here with the lights all on at night. I can just see us all inside one of those lit windows blogging away or writing our words. Regardless of where we are, in what town, in what country…. our hearts are strung together with our understanding of how important our words are!
01 Sep 2013
in Break Through, Depression, faith, Split Personalities
Tags: Dream journal, Dream Sharing, God, Interpretation, Poetry
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night I was so angry with someone in my dream, a few scenes later I confronted the person while we were driving. When we stopped abruptly, I slammed out of the car infuriated at something I could not seem to grasp. When I realized that I’d forgotten my purse in the car, I turned back only to find this person going through my purse and then I woke up!
I was so angry I kept trying to go back to sleep to go kick some major butt! As I look back now fully awake, I realize so clearly now that the person I was so upset with was me!
My mother in law is a Psychologist and one of her fields of expertise is dreams. She has always told me that every dream we have relates back to ourselves. That rule of thought used to frustrate me. I mean lets say we just went to the bank and we dream about a conversation we had with the teller? I’ve argued that the teller was in my dreams because of my experience with them that day. I still teeter on the fact that dreaming about experiences in your day might be just that…. residue from left over stuff in your day. But this recent dream was particularly clear to me that my mother in law’s theory pertained here.
I know that I have been robbing myself of the joy I am meant to have by being so darn angry all the time. I sneak in and fill a sunny day with dark bouts of anger about where my life is. Wanting to blame and judge and just be MAD. As if there were two of me. One opening up the blinds and letting the sun in and the other cheating me of it all by yanking the drapes shut.
In The Master’s Hands
It really is nothing new, I’ve fought it all my life
whether friend, or mother or being someone’s wife
I play the part and dance the steps, I fall and get back up
No matter how hard I’ve tried, it never seems enough
My own reflection in the mirror fights with who I am
struggling to make some sense of it and not knowing if I can
I find myself crying in the dark alleys of my soul
gripping the sides of life as I slip down through it’s hole
And so I cry out in my pain trying to understand
As I feel the strength in the grip of The Master’s Hand
Healing all my wounds through all the years gone by
As God finds me where I am… and makes me want to try.
30 Aug 2013
in Blogging, Helpful Blogging hints!, New to blogging? Read this!
Tags: Avatars, creating blog traffic, Cut copy and paste, Number one hint to getting followed, WordPress
This one is for everyone who has ever tried to look for a link via someone's Gravatar and in turn, that person has not bothered to put their blog's address where everyone sees their face! The only way I know how to get to someone's blog is to click on their name. If there is no link to their blog on that page.... I am not sure how they think people are finding them. If someone goes to the trouble of writing a blog... you'd think they'd want other people to find it and read it... right?
This is also for everyone who ever wondered why they don't have as much traffic on their blog as someone else has on theirs. ! Click on yourself and see if your address or blog's page comes up. If it doesn't... you need to know this very important thing...
Not everybody will take the time to cut and paste your name to search for you!
Pleeease... if you feel that this is worthy of a reblog and you want to spread the news so that people start posting their blog page on their gravatar Reblog this one too!
28 Aug 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, letting go, New Day, Poetry, silly
Tags: As Good As It Gets, Hokey Pokey, silly moods
What if… this is as good as it gets?
Stop and think. I mean really think. We all have our own state of existence and sometimes it is really hard to stay in the moment and not hope for what is ahead. But what if “This” (picture me waving my arm around where you are) is as good as it gets? Would you be okay with that? Are you grateful for right now? I’ve begun to wonder if I am stuck because of me not being grateful enough. I KNOW that I am definitely in a learning place and just may be not getting it! Not in the sense of really bad things happening. I mean we can take responsiblity for some of it. But some is just life and the deck we draw from.
I am talking about that “happy place” I can’t seem to find or at least stay there and I am wondering why. And… if this (me again waving around) is as good as it gets, would that be okay? I know I need to be grateful… that these someday, will be the good old days… but is there something wrong in hoping for something different? Always striving for a little more? Not necesarrily just ”stuff” but more happiness. Ya know?
I won’t admit that I watch those poor “Housewives” on the different corners of our continent.( At least not regularly.) But however scripted it may be, I have to admit that sometimes I find myself mesmorized by their drama. I think WHO SAYS THAT? Or screams like that or fights like that? When they’ve gotta have cameras in their faces. it makes me feel better about my own life and the lack of drama.
Though, just recently my friend of over a half a century and I had a silly misunderstanding. At first I felt time and distance would help it blow over. But never really ever having any kind of “anything negative” with her in our adulthood, the more time that went by, the more apparent it became that it would take more than an email to blow this one over. Yesterday we had an almost two hour conversation. We laughed and got serious and then honest and then laughed again. It felt as if a wall of bricks had dropped off of me afterwards. I felt light and ready to do the Hokey Pokey… just getting ready to put my left foot in…..
when bamm!! Some other drama with a completely different person in my life slammed into me.
I felt ready to throw my hands up and give up. Or at least to sign on to some reality show because my drama lately is just as worthy as some of the best episodes of the Housewives anywhere!
But really have you ever felt like that? Sooo happy and ready to celebrate and then Wham! You are thinking… ”What Next?! Can’t I at least enjoy the moment before you pull me down into the sludge again???? So I have decided to not be a victim!!!!!!!! In fact I refuse to be! You have heard the saying… “Don’t kick em when they’re down” Well, I am never going to be down again. Sooo just try to kick me flying in the sky! Ha! Okaaay… I know… one extreme to another… But literally,.. I intend to recognize the things that I can control and control them better. To not feed into the negative. To keep my mouth shut when at all possible. Wow I made that sound difficult didn’t I? Well, you know… sometimes it has been for me. But no more. I will lead by example. The next time I feel like being negative. I am going to march the other way!
Because This is not as good as it gets! And it’s not about the Hokey Pokey. It’s about being willing to shake it all about!
So you have caught me in a silly kind of nonsensey type of mood so don’t expect anything profound… just wanted to hang out with ya and have a layback blowing bubbles connection!
My mind is filled with butterlies
Wait! I’m scared of bugs.
My heart holds forgiveness
while my head still holds a grudge.
I do the hokey pokey
and turn myself around
I paint on silly smiles
over stitched on frowns
Life is filled with chances
and lots of give and take
Sometimes it’s just the small things
And the choices we all make
to know when to just stop talking
so we can hear what others have to say
to learn to step aside
when pride gets in the way!
to stop when the sidewalk ends
and learn to go around
to only kick me when I’m up
and never when I’m down!
Shel Silverstein / Norman Rockwell illustrations
25 Aug 2013
in Ambivalence, Anger, God, healing, Perspective, Poetry, prayer, self awareness, tragedies
Tags: God, Jesus, Kindness
Some people can smoke Lucky Strikes for their entire life and live to be ninety, while others can take all kinds of vitamins and eat a healthy diet, exercise daily, go to their annual check ups and then die before forty. And when children are involved, well, I want to cry out “Why?!” I know we live in a fallen world. I know, I know, I know! But it’s not fair. How fast do we all change the channel when we see a commercial for funding the cancer hospitals as they use bald little babies to inspire giving. I have given before to help of course but also as if to buy insurance. Though I know in my head that God is not counting who gives and saying “Okay not her kids.” Just to move on to someone else’s who have not given.
I view it much more differently.
I have always imagined God’s face as He releases our souls almost like blowing bubbles from heaven. It is filled with Love and Kindness and His eyes are filled with Hope and expectation much like a parent sending their offspring out into the world. He only is expecting the best for us. There is no awareness of grief or sin or tragedies in HIS presence, for He is on the other side, handing us over, giving us a chance at life. The side He is on can’t be described in human terms really, though I guess, we call it heaven. Everything is pure there. Even the hope that the life that we are passing through to… will have opportunities and chances at all the best possibilities the world offers.
I truly feel that the instant we pass through that Heavenly Veil He is truly gifting us new life with all of His love. He does not send us out to hurt us. But it is different. Our world here. Much different than the heaven we came from. I am not saying that he is not aware of the state of the world. I am just saying that HIS hope for us is pure. I picture our souls hitting this side and in a second, our bubble is covered with debris and dirt. Sticking to us as soon as we hit the air.
I am offended when people talk about God but can’t give Him a name other than “Universe” perhaps they don’t want to commit or maybe even offend those who don’t believe in something other than “air” and gravity. As for me, I believe that God is my Creator. I am not ashamed to say it nor to defend His right to be recognized. He is not the author of pain or illness or sin. He had a better plan for us. We were the ones that screwed that one up. I look at my own life and realize that many of my own choices have put me in some of the less than positive places that I’ve been or am right now. I also see that sometimes when I am in pain, (though I don’t believe that God causes any of it…) He will use it for me to draw closer to Him.
A wise young woman who I knew as a little girl, not too long ago…… (seems like just a moment~ she caught my bouquet!)
lost her sister in a car accident she was also in…( when they were in college) wrote:
What’s important is what we do NEXT!!!! —
That was powerful for me! Just that one sentence made me think hard. She now is married with a family of her own… and recently posted a picture of her family now with her parents (my sweet friends who inspire me with their spirit daily!) sitting near her sister’s grave and wrote: ”Of course we know~ she’s not here!” She may never know the impact that had on me. No long paragraphs… just the hope of what was next for all of us who believe. Her sister is there now! And that is her hope. Such an amazing message…
I have decided to embrace her quote….. “What’s important… is what we do next!!”
To not constantly look back in regret or mourn what was, to not be the victim, standing knee deep in our own trials, mistakes or problems but to move forward in whatever situation we are in. I have lost loved ones, dealt with illness and basically found debris stuck all over my bubble over and over again… but I have also watched bubbles soar high! And I know my soul is capable of soaring! Maybe not without a little debris, but it is my goal to live the kind of life God intended me to have when He gave it to me!
We may never know why bad things happen to good people. But I believe with all my heart that God does want the best for us. Today I am going to find the best, next! I am going to walk right into it and believe! God is good. He wants the best for us. But that is not always part of the deal while we are here. I remember when my store crumbled around me and my daughter asked “Why us?” Why did God allow this?” And she said that without missing a beat, that I replied “He didn’t cause this, He saved us.” I don’t remember that conversation or how my faith came so naturally back then and I wonder now… how to get that back. I have been so angry lately. So critical. And kind of stuck in a place wondering… Why? Instead, today, I am going to ask: “What’s next?”
The world is full of debris that attaches to my soul
sucked into it’s pit, in the darkness of it’s hole-
Fighting to survive in a place where sin has found a name
We’ve confused the way it’s fallen and WHO it is we blame
We ignore the love that’s brought us here, falling into place
Forgetting about the kindness and the look upon HIS face
There is a war in each of us, struggling with love and hate
to remember where we’ve come from before it is too late!
23 Aug 2013
in abusive relationships, Acceptance, Ambivalence, Anger, answers, Attitudes, Breaking, broken heart, Broken spirit, Child within, confusion, Depression, emotional abuse, Fear, Forgiveness, fragile, Frustrated writer, growth, healing, honesty, hope, humility, Inner Child, learning, Life Journey, Life lessons, Loss, Love, Memories, Missing the lesson, Mistakes, moving on, patience, Perseverance, Perspective, Poetry, process, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Renewal, Self affirmation, self awareness, Spiritual, Survivial, Time, Writing
Tags: Letting Go, Poetry, reflection, Writing
Behind the doors of yesterday
we all hold that perfect key
unlocking places in our past
where shadows used to be
Dancing upon moonbeams until all the music dies
letting go of all the pain as the broken winged one flies…
Falling hard from our dreams, when we finally land
searching for our innocence all where we first began.
As I continue to work on my book, I feel stuck. I am in a place of pain. Of total confusion. I guess ambivalence would be the best word to describe where I have landed. I keep going backwards. I need to start moving forward. I have a story to tell. A lot has to do with my past. I have the framework sitting there for me to build upon and yet I am not sure why I need to write these silly poems that have nothing to do with me today….
Or do they?
18 Aug 2013
in Empty Nest, Family, future, Goals, growing older, growth, lessons learned, letting go, Life Journey, Love, Memories, MOM, moving on, My Kids, Parenting, Perspective, Poetry, prayer, process, raising a teenager, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Son, Uncategorized, worry
Tags: attitude adjustmement, Hope, Letting Go, Poetry, relationships
This is the time of year…
We are trying not to count the days. We know it is coming up. We are trying to be happy. And yet it is extremely hard.
I remember when my son left home. It was his Senior Year. It was a crazy time for us to move and yet it happened. I remember always shaking my head when I’d hear stories of parents uprooting their kids from their last years of High School and yet we found ourselves in that same position. I was not ready. He was not ready. And yet it is a choice I made and will always look back and wonder about. In the end, he moved in with his dad. I am glad because his dad is gone now and it was a great bonding time for them that my son will always cherish. And yet as a mom who was pretty over protective all of his young life, I had to let go, knowing for the most part, that the supervision would not be identical. In fact, it was pretty non existent. I am pretty sure all curfews flew out the window along with my baby bird!
I remember once my son calling me and telling me that one of his dad’s room mate’s had brought home Jack In The Box for everyone but him. I am sure there was food in the house and he was not going to starve and that there may have been a good reason for leaving him out… mainly his attitude which has always been a bit challenging… Smile… But I can’t imagine his father partaking in the food while our son sat watching. Though I “get” that I was not privy to the full picture. As a mother missing her baby you can imagine my heart. So I began sending care packages.
Sure I could have sent money and saved the shipping, but I found joy in choosing his favorite things and “knowing” he’d be fed. I don’t doubt that my ex was supplying the basic needs but not the hugs from his mom and so I sent those packages pretty regularly. Until I was asked not to.
One day I got a phone call asking me to “stop” (sending the packages) by my ex. He said, “Diane, you are not helping.” I will never forget how hard it was. I understood that my son was actually 18 by that time, had a job and was living rent free so just had to pay for his gas and food. My ex had moved out of his parent’s house his senior year, and I know that he just wanted our son to grow up and learn about life the way he had to. It was a love thing. He wasn’t trying to be mean. But it was hard for him to understand my “mother’s heart” and that the thought of my baby being cold or sad or going hungry for even just one minute was hard for me. Okay well maybe I wasn’t that bad but I did want to confront him about that Jack In The Box incident but I didn’t want to betray my son. And I wanted to tell my son that it was his dad who was making me stop sending the care packages but I could not betray his dad.
It seemed as if everytime I turned around that year, I’d see a little boy that reminded me of my son. I missed him so much. But I knew that he wasn’t that little boy anymore. He was all grown up and I needed to let go.
I guess I actually was glad that his dad taught him the hard lessons that I couldn’t.
I’ve shared this poem before here but it is one that I wrote right before my first baby bird tumbled out of my nest… This one is for all the moms having to let go this year as their baby birds fly off to school or where ever it might be. I understand and feel for you all. And I am here to tell you that you will survive! My son did! He has his own business and a beautiful family. Letting go isn’t always easy, nor is letting our baby birds fall out of the sky sometimes… but if we let them… experience the highs and the lows… someday they will learn to soar and that is enough hope for me. (This poem is also for the young moms who can’t wait for school to start and need a little reminder… of just how FAST it all flies by!)
Seems like only yesterday I held you in my arms
Oh how you swept me away with all your baby charms.
The days just flew by quickly, soon you began to talk
and then a little later, you began to walk….
“Mommy will you cross me? I want to go and play.”
Oh those words ring sweetly, now seem like yesterday.
The years have swiftly passed,
don’t know where they’ve all gone,
And when you cross the street now,
you don’t need to call your mom.
It has happened right in front of me, before my very eyes…
packed away, your faded jeans, one of every size…
Teddy bears and old match box cars,
all packed with loving care,
baseball cards and folded notes of secrets that you shared.
I sit amongst the boxes recalling our memories all alone
and realize that baby, once in my arms,
is now fully grown~
And silently I wonder through a mixture of joy and tears…
Did I truly show how much I loved you
through those tender years?
Sometimes it’s hard when you’re the mom
to make your child understand
just how VERY proud she is when he becomes a man!
13 Aug 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, Believing in yourself, change of attitude, courage, fragile, healing, Inner Child, lessons learned, letting go, patience, Perspective, Poetry
Tags: confidence, Gratitude, Letting Go, Poetry, Second opinion, self doubt, self evaluation, Time
Yesterday I spent an unexpected afternoon with an amazing woman. A decade or so ago, it might have surprised me that we would be having these kinds of afternoons together. You see the woman I am talking about is my Mother In-law and I guess it took a while to really appreciate her amazingness. She is a Psychologist and I’ve always felt as if I were ”kind of crazy” and so I was constantly on the defense. Let’s just say in my “maturity” I am appreciating her wisdom and she has invested a lot of patience and time in getting me to this place of acknowledgment.
I love it because even as a Psychologist, she is just now discovering new things about herself as well, so at times I feel as if we are unwrapping presents as together…. As we wander around our own souls. Talking about dreams and realizations, fears and hopes and faith and it was shocking how fast five hours flew by. Several years ago, I may have felt like it was a wasted day off. But now I gather it up as a cherished memory.
Recently, I have realized that I have begun to stop questioning myself as much. Giving myself permission to actually be right without asking everyone and their brother for their opinion. Today, I have decided to give myself permission to be right without any feedback. Sometimes you just know that you know that you know that you are right and you have to just make some painful decisions in life and own them.
Today we talked about learning to FEEL the pain when we are hurting and to actually recognize that IT is really real. I realized that I’d been making excuses and apologizing for how I feel. But my pain is usually reasonable and not some crazy misunderstanding that I’ve had with myself. Today I am learning to trust my own feelings and to start to give myself permission to heal. And to make choices about who and what to allow in my life and to not second guess myself nor need anyone else’s opinion. I wish I could bottle this ephiphanie so that I could share it in elixcer form! But I think we each have to figure out certain things all on our own sometimes.
I can’t explain it but when you recognize for the first time… something you have been doing wrong for decades and truly understand it. AND… can change it by just thinking differently it is like opening up a door to a wonderful room you had not allowed yourself to go in.
And you know what?? When you finally figure it out….It is freeing. It has made me feel lighter and yet strong enough to move mountains! It really is freeing when you finally allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. And not need everyone else to confirm that you really aren’t crazy after all. Try it. It is like a “click” that turns the light on so that you can almost see your own soul!
Agreeing With Just Me!
Inside of me I’ve begun to find
a place I go to clear my mind
it’s there that I’ve begun to know
the greatest feeling of letting go
to know that I don’t need to fight
to always prove that I am right
I’ve climbed to where the view is clear
I’ve gripped the vine and dropped the fear
I’ve felt the pain in holding on
somehow I’ve known all along
If I am right, that’s all I need
for… I just have to agree with me!
10 Aug 2013
in Appreciation, Attitudes, frustration, Gratefulness, kindness, Life Journey, Miracles, Mistakes, patience, self control
Tags: accidents, Driving, freeways, traffic jams
The other day I was on my way home from Los Angeles. I thought that I’d left early enough to have missed the traffic hour and was moving along quite well for several minutes, when all of a sudden it stopped. I am not sure why I am ever surprised anymore. But I’d really hoped for an easy drive that day, without a lot of glitches… Though it never seems to fail… something always causes a traffic jam when I am in route!
Slowly we inched along, maybe a mile in fifteen minutes and then a steady 30 or 40 miles an hour until it slowed again and we passed what was causing the traffic jam. A car had overturned. Though I have seen worse and heard people lived. I prayed as I passed it. I prayed for it to be one of those miraculous accidents where the ones involved survived without a scratch but I gotta tell ya it didn’t look good.
As we passed it we all started moving until we were going about sixty miles an hour but I noticed that the other side of the freeway had begun backing up and as I drove further, I saw that the traffic wound around the bend for what looked like miles.
Stopped in it’s tracks! And I could see why. It hadn’t even happened on their side of the freeway but everyone on the opposite side was bottle necking to see the overturned car on our side.
People were almost stopping to take a peek while others behind them began slamming on their brakes and honking
and it was one of those metaphoric moments that come to me every so often that made me realize that you never know why you hit those spots in life that hold you back, what is around the bend… and why things don’t always happen as we expect them too. Sometimes it is our fault and sometimes it is just something we couldn’t forsee and you can’t do anything but go with the flow patiently trusting that God is ahead of us clearing the way when we finally see the full picture and the mistakes in our life more clearly and hopefully learn from each one!
Sometimes, life just happens and there’s nothing you can do. Sometimes we focus on the negative, staying stuck. And other times we see our mistakes and learn from them.
Life is all about moving past the accidents,
keeping the faith…. and appreciating the ride when it moves along nicely. But knowing that the traffic eventually breaks and if you are patient… and give The Lord the steering wheel…you will always get to where you are going…. And hopefully if we are very patient…. the place HE has for each of us!!
Psalm 130:5 — I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.
01 Aug 2013
in aging, Becoming a grandma, change of attitude, ephifanies, Health, healthy life style changes, Healthy Living, humility, humor, Midlife Crisis, old friends, Perspective, Poetry, pride
Tags: acceptance, aging, Childhood memories, comedy, facebook, Humor, photos, Poetry, Survival
I couldn’t sleep the other night and so I went wandering around Facebook and tried to find some of my friends from the past and it made me realize one thing…. We all are old!!!!! lol.
Older faces staring back
hit me like a heart attack
everyone I used to know
where did you all seem to go?
I click on you and find your name
only your eyes look the same
I click on photos titled: “past”
I finally see “YOU” at last!
The one I remembered then…
An older version of my friend.
I wander through… browsing at the rest
I smile and click “Friend Request”
Hoping that you’ll recognize
Who I am now from my eyes
That’s when I realize what you will see
when you find my name and click on “ME”.
31 Jul 2013
in Blogging, Diaries, Perspective, Poetry, Writing
Tags: Diary, journaling, Online Writing, Poetry, reflection, WordPress, Writing
For as long as I can remember I have written. First in Diaries as a young girl and then in journals.
There is just something about a book filled with words that someone wrote by hand years before. When my Grandma died. Everyone was choosing memorable keepsakes they wanted that would help them to remember her. I happened to choose her little 5 year diary.
Photo of my Gram’s Diary
It was such a treasure because it was written between the years where she met my grandpa and had my mom! Now if you know me at all, you can imagine how special that is to me.
Pages from my Gram’s Diary
Whenever I pull it out and read it on those rare occasions, I like to picture my grandmother as a young girl, coming home from a date, excited and in love, flopping on her bed, pouring her heart into the allotted tiny little spaces reserved for her in a five year diary.
Part of my story is centered around my journaling. Not only are those books the keepers of my life’s journey but they are a reflection of my own mantra…. I have said over and over again to my kids and their friends that…
Our lives are like an empty book and every day we write another page.
We can look at our books as pages waiting to be filled and embrace them… or we can feel that we don’t have a lot of chapters left. In my case I have to admit feeling kind of stuck, as if I have a lot of torn pages with erase marks and crossed out words all over them. I am fighting to find my way back to grab a new chapter and hang on with dear life and yet … it is hard when you are tired and older and looking back at all those old journals… reading and remembering and wondering what the heck happened?
As I sat there reading all the journals in front of me, I couldn’t stop. I read them all.
My journals have been an interesting way that I have captured my past. Like photographs I have different snapshots in way of words on pages. Recently, I found a box of old journals and my Mantra kind of came true for me….
The first journal I pulled out was filled with silly, sad poems…
first about wanting to fall in love and then about falling in love and then the rest about my broken heart.
The next was filled with poems from my first marriage. Once again, falling in love and then a lot of writing about what went wrong.
Between having babies and finally going through a divorce, I found about five more books filled with prayers and poetry and pleadings to God to make it better. Finally I found one that is not finished about my life now… Once again, the falling in love and struggles and joys it has brought me.
My blog kind of has replaced my journaling in the way of writing in a book. Though I still love to shop for them and buy them as gifts or keep them just in case I am inspired to go sit on a hillside somewhere and write a poem.
Someone once told me that if anything happens to her she wants to make sure that she has someone appointed that will burn all of hers. I find that so sad. Burning my journals would be like killing a part of my soul. In a way, my words will keep me alive once I am gone. I am so glad that my grandma saved hers.
In my next few posts… I am going to share some of my poetry that I found. Some of them are pretty silly, some are sad, some are quite good and others pretty bad….but they all are parts of me from different times of my life….
Come with me if you like….
Here is the first one…. I wrote it after finding a book that I must have found a few times during my life because it starts out with my son as a baby, and then starts up again with my daughter being born and a lot about my struggling marriage and then I must have found it after I got my divorce and found a lot of pathetic poetry and then a few years later, I was writing about my new marriage… There I was holding my very own quote in my hands… my life written out as a story in a book. Funny how it all came full circle. I was facing my own advice. Knowing it was time for me to listen to myself.
Lost inside the memories
locked inside the pages
lost in the
rolling around in the grass
young and stupid
so in love
just on the edge
28 Jul 2013
in abusive relationships, Believing in yourself, Breaking, Confidence, courage, ephifanies, growth, healing, honesty, learning, letting go, Memories, Perspective, Poetry, pride, process, reflection, Relationships, Self affirmation
Tags: Beleiving in yourself, From Gone With The Wind's Tara, Self worth
As I write my story. I feel many emotions. And the words just flood out of me. They don’t really represent any place that I am now. But they will always represent a place that I will always be. This one is for me when I was just turning twenty and over three decades later…
Like stepping on glass, I test before I stand
but you jump right in not caring where you land
It’s all or nothing where ever you are concerned
I begin to wonder …. if I’ll ever learn
I need to test the waters, before I jump back in
Just so you know…. I won’t go back to that place again
That place where I left “me” behind
That place where you could seek but not find
I’ve found my footing and am on solid ground
I’ve been lost and now I’m found
I’m not sure if you’ll ever GET what I mean
but I’ll never again be stuck in your in-betweens.
22 Jul 2013
in creation, Everyone's own story, Life Journey, Perspective, Poetry, process, Progression, reflection, Renewal, Soul, Spiritual, Survivial, vessel
Tags: Childhood memories, Goals, Gratitude, Poetry, reflection, soul
I am but a vessel
that houses who I am
A symbol of the outside
where inside my soul lands
I’ll only love you if I really do
won’t fake it if I don’t
my ears have believed
a thousand lies
but my eyes…
well, they just won’t.
seems as if I’ve spent a lifetime
everyone wished I’d be
the most authentic
part of me!
Lately, I have done a lot of soul searching. Who are we really? I will tell you what I think. We are not the vessel we are wrapped up in. That is just a shell that carries us through out our journey. We are what is inside the package. A bunch of memories, joys, and tears, triumphs and mistakes, goals and dreams. A heart and soul and series of lessons learned. It is not what is on the outside at all. That is just our shell. It has nothing to do with what is truly important. In the end, what we leave behind is not the body we lived in… but the messages we believed in…. The faith we have shared, the authenticity we have learned to finally be comfortable in and accept nothing less.
Sure in the end….when people think of us… they will probably picture that vessel but it is what it carried that will really matter.
16 Jul 2013
in Anticipation, Attitudes, ephifanies, fragile, future, Goals, God, Gratefulness, hope
Tags: Assassination of John F. Kennedy, attitude adjustmement, Caroline Kennedy, God, John F. Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy Moment, Living in the moment, relationships, Space Shuttle, United States
I remember when I was in first grade and President Kennedy got shot. Our teacher walked into our classroom crying and told us what had happened. It is a memory I will never forget. Hence; “Kennedy Moment” is a caption that those of us who remember that day can understand clearly. Though I sometimes have wondered if the younger population truly understands exactly where the term came from. Since that day, there have been other iconic moments such as when the space shuttle exploded or the day 911 came to mean something different to a whole population than it had just the day before. And it has made me reflect on the moments in life that were my own Kennedy Moments.
When someone dies, when a baby is born, a fight, a celebration…we remember those moments in our lives when our own worlds changed forever. The choices we make in the moments we live. What is important. What really is not. We realize those moments as treasures and tragedies. But in embracing it all, as you live… you realize what truly matters and what just doesn’t. The relationships you let slip away, the ones you fight to maintain. It is all a series of lessons.
My daughter and I had the greatest converstaion yesterday about the past, present and future. She capsulized it by saying “The future really never exists except in our minds.” In essence she was sharing with me that our tomorrows are still in our imaginations. The events we plan may or may not ever happen or at least not the way we imagine them to. I am here to say that from the time I was very young. The future in my mind never really happened (in most instances) the way I imagined it back then when it was still just my future. Some of it happened better and some of it rolled out like a run away train that I had no control over but in the end the message here is to embrace today.
I remember the first time someone asked me to marry them, the first time I ever made love, our first fight, our last fight…
I remember breaking up with that person and thinking my life was over.
I remember meeting someone new, our wedding day… looking out down on my husband to be waiting for me and the feeling I felt as if it were just yesterday.
I remember lying in the hospital after becoming a mom for the first time. The feeling of joy I’d never experienced before, imagining my life as a mom and trying to imagine his future.
I remember all the pain that came after that. Trying to survive being married to someone who probably should never have married anyone.
I remember finding out that I was going to have another baby and wondering if I could love another as much as my son. having my daughter and knowing in an instant that God gives us all the love we need and more.
I remember my husband crying tears of joy when she was born and wondering if she would be the miracle we needed to keep our family together. Imagining all the hopes and dreams I had, still yet to come…when life was still unwritten for us all…
I remember certain “first days of school” for both my kids… and many of their firsts… first steps… first words… why did I want to rush it all?
I remember crying with my first husband as we held each other in front of the paralegal’s office we shared after deciding together to (ammicably) draw up our own divorce papers as all the dreams we’d once shared seemed to stop dancing through my head in one big fat Kennedy Moment.
I remember meeting my current husband and cautiously beginning to believe in happy endings again… but never really ever again in the same way. And the Kennedy Moment when I finally let go and knew that I loved him.
Today I think that as I look back at all my Kennedy moments…. the deaths and births, the iconic conversations and the forgotten ones… I understand more today than ever before that “TODAY” is all we have. Tomorrow is a gift God will decide if we get or not. So take today, this moment, this second and LIVE IT!!!!
Last night as my daughter and I had our conversation, I learned so much in our sharing and at that moment of inspiration… I realized that if THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS…. it is awesome!!!!
15 Jul 2013
in faith, God, Gratefulness, Love, Poetry, worship
Tags: Believing, Poetry, Understanding God
His GRACE is like a healing salve
His light shines on my path
His help is like a gentle knock
My heart the door he taps
His forgiveness is like a new day
letting go of sorrow
Giving hope to new dreams
to greet each new tomorrow
His peace is like a constant stream
That never will run dry
His love is like a golden pail
to catch the tears I’ve cried
In life we’re always striving
to chase our latest dream
when we only need to stop and see
HE is our everything!
08 Jul 2013
in communication, confusion, fragile, friendship, Goodbye, healing, honesty, hurts, lessons learned, letting go, Loss, Memories, Relationships, Reminscing, Time
Tags: Childhood memories, Friendship, Healing, Letting Go, Poetry, reflection
The messages attached to ”Good bye” mean different things at different times in our lives. To some it means see you later when to others it holds the sting of finality. And then there are those who though they may have said it a thousand times … they are the ones who will never completely ever be gone. They are the ones whose “goodbyes ” have as much strength as a feather.
And then…. there are the ones who are completely gone. They have left this world. Their ashes have been scattered and we will never hear their voices (at least not on this earth) again. In a way it really makes me resent the game playing in the frivilous goodbyes. I mean after all, life is so fragile. It should mean so much more than it seems to. We are not game pieces that can be moved by the toss of a dice. We are human beings with lives that are already hanging from the most fragile of threads. We can only play with the hand we are given but it makes how we play so much more important.
Inside the memory of a thousand good byes
my grieving heart sees through it’s lies
past the dreams we gave away
wondering now… what if we’d stayed?
so tell me again go ahead
beat the horse until it’s dead
Explain it to me, please just try
What should I do with your goodbyes?
07 Jul 2013
in Acceptance, Appreciation, Attitudes, Believing in yourself, Blogging, communication, fragile, Love, Writing
Tags: Blog, Humor, Personal Stories, relationships, Vow of silence, Writing
Some people are private, they don’t understand the need to be heard.
They could never understand the concept of bearing it all. But ever since I was very small I’ve felt different.
I am unique in that way. I’ve always considered it a waste to learn life lessons and not share the lesson learned. Whether in the way of written word or sharing in other forms… even if just over coffee.. It’s all in the relating. And you’ve got to know that somehow, each and every one of those times of relating will somehow find their ways to words I write someday. Not in a bad way, but in way of a lesson or a moment worth sharing. For when we write we are never truly alone and when you are lonely just write! I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt lonely as an adult. Even as a lonely child, I learned to create my own friends on paper, to read books filled with towns of people I was glad to know that I had that kind of power! And… Through our memories, our experiences and our lessons we learn to share so others don’t feel so alone. Think about it. There would be no books, or poems, no plays or movies or even sitcoms without writers! There would be no speeches or sermons, no quotes. Even God used writers to write HIS WORD! They need us!
Recently, I’ve had this need to go back and understand my mistakes in order to help others not make the same ones. If my lessons can help others… why not shout them from the mountain tops? Or at least fill the empty pages with words that can give hope to others who are hurting? I mean… what’s the big secret?
I also like to tell my story and relate it to yours. For we all have one. A story that is. And I have always felt that your story might help me and my story might help you and if we miss the opportunity to share a lesson we have learned it is like an empty schoolroom filled with unread books.
If you are a survivor of anything, you have a story! You have hope to offer. You have a gift to give someone going through what you have survived. What a waste to not give that hope away. An illness is cured, a heart is repaired, we are all survivors! When you are in love don’t you want to shout it from the mountain tops? Don’t you want everyone to feel your joy? Well, THAT my friend is just a chapter in your book waiting to be read by someone else who waits for that same kind of love.
When I am happy, I want to tell everyone about how I am feeling, to talk about it and explore it. If it is stifled, if you can’t share it… it almost robs you of the joy you were feeling. When I am sad, I want to talk about it, when I am angry I want someone else to understand. To be silenced is like being held captive.
Like a writer without paper, like a pen without ink.
To write is like shouting it from a mountain top.
To not be able to is like our own private hell.
We are all different and that is what makes the world go around.
I can honestly say that I’ve never written anything I didn’t mean. Writing gives you a chance to backspace and be very thoughtful about what you say…. unlike just blurting it out. We tend to take more time when we are telling our ”story” it is a pretty magical process. It really is about our stories… Those are all we ever really have left of value in the end anyway, isn’t it? So regardless of how tactful or private everyone else is… or isn’t… Or if they do or don’t understand what I share or why I need to… I will never stop writing my story… never stop writing the words on the pages of my life. Even if I am the only one who learns the lessons I was supposed to learn.
02 Jul 2013
in Acceptance, aging, Appreciation, Attitudes, change of attitude, Determination, ephifanies, falling in love again, growing older, healing, Life Journey, Life lessons, Love, marriage, Memories, Midlife Crisis, passion, patience, Perseverance, Perspective, Poetry, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Renewal
Tags: Pain, Poetry, reflection, relationships, Revelation
This one is for those who remember these words from a verse I heard long ago…
“Oh my love come grow old with me… for the BEST is yet to be….
So many times when we are young we don’t grasp that we are actually living our “Good Old Days” we have bills and toddlers to deal with and then suddenly in a blink of an eye it is over… our toddlers have grown up and moved on to have families of their own and we find ourselves living like strangers wondering WHO is this person I am living with? Perhaps with much water under the bridge where we even forget why we fell in love in the first place… It is up to us to remember. To realize that we almost missed the BEST in the part we promised each other long ago.
If you are in that place… lonely and wondering; WHERE the the heck is the BEST you promised me?! Look inside yourself. And remember LOVE is a verb!
I caught myself looking at you
and in the wisp of the moment,
on the breath of love,
as an angel’s wing brushed my heart
what falling felt like…
The scent of joy and passion
the sound of laughter
riding on a memory…
All mixed in with the pain of life
that almost made me forget.
But in that glance
I fell down into my memories
rushing past all the bad
and landing in all the good
falling, falling, falling
in love again.
Diane Reed ’13
01 Jul 2013
in Broken spirit, communication, confusion, emotional abuse, frustration, gossip, kindness, Mistakes, moving on, Poetry, self control, Stubborn, Survivial, temper, tolerance, venting
Tags: anger, attitude adjustmement, blocking, Healing, Humor, Poetry, relationships, Self improvemnt
My curser turned to your page as my day began to start
like a slap, you shared words with me that tore my heart apart
let me tell you now that they were words I didn’t need
You sent them anyway – knowing just where it was, I’d read…
You wanted to bring me into your own little world of pain.
My world is far from perfect, you just added to it’s stains.
I wonder what you wanted for me to do or to say?
Was it your intention to just blow my day away?
I know that misery loves company so you invited me
without ever considering the place that I might also – be.
Your feeling angry now, so you wanted me to feel it too
Funny, but what you just did to me… I’d never do to you!
Diane Reed ’13
Several years ago, I went to visit my cousin. She’d needed to work the first couple of days of my visit so I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle until she came to get me. It was a fun time to catch up with my Aunt. She was such a wonderful woman! She loved to laugh and I loved to make her laugh and we did that a lot during that last visit. She was a wonderful artist and could make patterns up out of her head! She painted and sewed and made apple dolls and hand carved their faces with expressions that brought them alive! She loved her pets and little kids and elderly people and I loved her with an admiration that I don’t give out freely.
It was a great visit except that my Aunt had built up a lot of resentments over the years which I think ultimately, made her physically sick and in the end part of her demise. I am pretty sure that she died too young and with that resentment still in her heart. Though she was amazing, she just could not let go of things she felt had been wrongly done to her and she shared some of those things with me. She shared some mistakes she feels that my grandma made and I have to admit that they were rather shocking. Though I am not sure how much was amplified in her mind as the years went by, I do believe my Aunt for the most part. Finally when my cousin came to pick me up, she asked me how my visit with her mom had been and I asked her if she knew the stuff her mom had told me about grandma.
I think it was in that moment, I saw my cousin as not only an adult but one of the wisest people I know, and still feel that today. She held up her hand and said to me “Diane my mom tried to tell me bad stuff about grandma for years and I never let her because grandma was an amazing grandma to me, and I’ve told her that I am sorry if she had a different experience but I refuse to let her ruin my memory of her.” And then she said, “I am sorry you let her tell you.” Well, I am too. But I was kind of caught of guard. My Aunt did not ask me if I wanted to hear any of it, she just told me. And I am not sure if I would have known how to tell my Aunt I didn’t want to hear something I didn’t know she was going to say but it made me really respect my cousin. Because after all, my grandma took my Aunt and her kids in when they had no place to go and took care of and loved my cousin and her brother and my cousin recognized and remembered that.
I am sure that my Aunt was never really in a place where she ever recognized all that her mom did for her. She was already filled with such resentment by then but my grandma loved her kids with all her heart and so in turn her theory of my grandma hating her seemed ridiculous to me because I don’t think she would just love some stranger’s kids in the same way. She could have just sent my Aunt and her kids away but she didn’t.
I am sure my Aunt had a different experience with her mom than we did as a grandma because we treated our grandma like our hero. She was my soft place to fall until the day she died. I loved her and the wonderful memories she made for all of us. When I’d come to visit, I’d remember waking up to hearing my Aunt yelling at my grandma and my grandma probably yelling back at my Aunt. It’s not that hard to see that you reap what you sow in that situation but I am still sorry that my Aunt missed all the great stuff we loved in her mom.
I guess the point of my story is… I could have written about the things I learned about on that visit… The stories my aunt told me about my grandma…etc… But at the chance of my cousin reading this, I never will. I will protect my cousin from the stories she does not want to know or ever need to know. Recently, I’ve been given unsolicited information that I never wanted to know. In the past, I’d made it crystal clear that I didn’t want to hear about it. I’m not really sure what part of “Please don’t talk about this to me” was not clear enough but it was SENT to me in way of text without warning…. how shady is that? The highest form of manipulation is still going ahead and sharing something that was uninvited with an innocent bystander because you are angry with someone else and need to vent. And they wonder why we aren’t that close anymore.
I guess the operative word here would be…. Duuuuhhh!
26 Jun 2013
in Attitudes, Broken spirit, change of attitude, change of heart, character, communication, confusion, friendship, frustration, gossip, growth, healing, honesty, humor, hurts, lessons learned, Life lessons, Mistakes, Perspective, Poetry, pride, process, reflection, Relationships, self awareness, Survivial, tolerance
Tags: Friend, Friendship, Humor, Lucy, Philosophy, Poetry, REAL HOUSEWIVES, relationship, rose colored glasses
I have been reflecting on friendships this week. No doubt due to losing Lucy. It has made me re-evaluate so many things in my life. My heart is full and yet my brain has kind of kicked in. I have been going down a very revealing journey of self discovery the last few days and the familiar saying: Some people touch your lives for a little while and others leave footprints on your heart forever… comes to mind. But currently I am in kind of a dark place where I feel like twisting that sentiment around a bit and adding…. There are also the friends that trudge all over your heart.
Some things are comforting because they never change. Like Lucy, she was who she was. She was always my soft place to fall. I never came to her to have her always agree with me, but to get the truth. It was a refreshing friendship because no matter what, she could tell me like it was and I could tell her and it was just a safe place. I never worried about her sharing my secrets or divulging my mistakes. She was my Fortress of unconditional love. It didn’t matter if I was in a horrible place in my life. She loved me through it. Like a mother loves a child. Like the best in best friend.
In my life I think I expected that from everyone. I think that I really had blinders on when I chose different people in my life, at work and historically in my own personal life, and it baffles me now what I didn’t see. There was a time in my life where I put one particular friend on a pedestal while I kind of let another one tread water waiting for me to see the truth.
As I look back I wonder why I was so blinded by admiration. Another couple of friends at work made me believe that they were friends. They gossiped behind the backs of others there, just as much as any of the REAL HOUSEWIVES! In fact, they could give them a run for their money! The thing I don’t get is why was I so blown away when I finally discovered that they were talking about me as well, when I wasn’t in their presence?
Friends have come and gone. Some are there because I’ve chosen them (adult made friendships). Some historically (childhood friendships) are still there because we’ve chosen to work on them to nurture them. Those are the most difficult when you realize you have outgrown them. A while back, I met a friend I hadn’t seen in years. She was a part of my everyday life as a teenager. In just our short lunch together, she had proceeded to insult a homeless boy begging and said such hateful things to him and then tried to justify it to me, that I felt I was with a stranger and yet in that moment, I realized I was seeing things about her that I’d overlooked all our lives. I have really been reflecting on many of my friendships lately and it has been an eye opener. As I have also reflected on my own junk that I bring. There are more sayings such as…. You will always be my best friend… you know too much…. Or… Best friends know everything about you and love you anyway…
I want to be that kind of friend… I want to be the one that doesn’t want to point out the bad in my friends, the one who accepts them where they are. But at times when something huge happens like it did for me this week, you get reflective and perhaps a little cynical. For today… I think I let the cynicism win out. I’ve written about friends before on my blog, even given them their very own post of the day.
Currently, I am just in reflection mode. I have so many lifetime friends that I am thankful for! So many readers who have made me look past my own doorstep and embrace the friendships not even made yet. Funny how once upon a time, I thought I had enough friends. What a horrible thought! Never to be open to the possibility of more. A kind of friendship suicide. Cutting myself off from the opportunity of the joy I have recently experienced in new friendships in my life here and in my own little corner of the world. I also realize that I am just in a bit of a depression and rightly so. Nothing organic going on here! I just lost one of my best friends and I’ve woken up each day realizing she is gone. It is the first thing I think of every day since. But I know that time heals all wounds and though I will miss her, the pain will ease. As in the things bothering me today. And so I will not close the book, I will keep reading, finish the chapter and move on to the next.
But for now just humor me please as I share my poem about being disillusioned over certain friendships. A bit of purging here. Not my usual uplifting stanzas (that was a joke!) But I really do…. I promise I will have a better outlook tomorrow!
Through Rose Colored Glasses
You see it your way with rose colored glasses
the world is all wrong and we are all asses!
It couldn’t be you, in all your perfection
no, not a flaw in your perfect perception!
We are just sensitive when we judge your approach
you never see the way you jump down our throats
you talk behind all your friends clueless backs
discussing all the things you feel that they lack
what made me think when you were talking about them…
that I was above the ones you called your good friends
Why was I blinded, why couldn’t I see?
while you were talking about them, you were also talking about me!
Diane Reed ’13
23 Jun 2013
in Best Friends, broken heart, Family, friendship, God, Goodbye, Gratefulness, growing older, Heroes, letting go, Life Journey, Loss, Love, Memories, Poetry, reflection, Relationships, Reminscing, Spiritual, Teacher, Thank you, Time
Tags: family, Lord, Lucy
When I was a little girl you became my second mom
I’d spend the night at your house and we’d talk till well past dawn
Your daughters were my best friends I was friends with them all
but later in life, when we grew up, it was “you” who I’d call…
Oh Lucy, how I dreaded the call I got today. So many memories flood my heart as I write this. You were always my soft place to fall, my advisor, my confidant, my constant. So consistent in my life. Always just a phone call away. Opening up your home for me to live with you guys when I was younger and then for visits whenever I could get away. I grew to love you like my own family. I smile as I think about our late night chats as Bob would call down “Lucille!” And you would tell him you’d be right up and then two hours would have passed as you stayed to chat some more. I loved your stories. Some of them were life changing for me. Some molded my life in ways that made me into who I am today.
When you found the Lord, you were so on fire. And that fire never went out. I could come for a visit or pick up the phone and you were just as in love with your Lord as you were on the first day you really found HIM. Even our last phone call was all about HIM. And I am so confident that in my own selfish sadness (please bear with me while I catch my breath realizing that you won’t be here for me anymore) I know you are so happy, free from pain in your wonderful Savior’s arms. But in the meantime I need to adjust knowing that I won’t ever hear again your wonderful voice and the joy you always seemed to have in it when you would hear it was me on the other end….
I’d hear…. ”Oh helloooo baby, or Diane-eeee or Darling” You always made me feel that you were soooo happy to hear from me in a way I don’t think anyone ever has before. And I’ll miss that.
I am so glad that I got to bring my baby for a visit a couple of years ago. She remembered visiting you as a little girl but it had been too long. It was quite an adventure getting to your wonderful *mansion* in the dark up on the hill in Fallbrook…. *funny the memories little kids have*… I remember as you were building it and going with you to pick out wallpapers for ALL those bathrooms and the tile for the pool. I will always cherish memories of that wonderful house you made into a home. It looked so much the same as I remember the last time we visited… another constant in my life. Sooo much more than just that house, you were the one who never changed. And on the way home from our visit Brookie said; “Thank you Mama for making me go with you. I love her too.”
Oh Lucy, what am I going to do without you as my soft place to fall? You have left quite a legacy in your path… so many lives you have touched. You will be missed. But you are home now. Heaven must be so wonderful for you. So many people who you have touched, waiting in line to greet and thank you! Save a place for me! I love you!
Click on the song below to understand WHO Lucy has been in this lifetime to me!
21 Jun 2013
in Becoming a grandma, Blogging, CELEBRATE, Family, grand children, granddaughter, Gratefulness, Love, My Kids, pride, Son
Tags: Blog, relationships, Writing
Just minutes after Sophie was born with her Auntie Brookie
It all started here…. The day my granddaughter was born… the day I seemed to get all caught up in everything…
Life keeps moving fast and from the everyday stuff, work and keeping up with it all I have let my blog take a powder for a bit. Thank you for those of you who have checked up on me! I love you guys! Seems as if I was going strong… working on my book with my friend Deb and networking and building relationships with everyone here and then slowly life happened. But I will be back full force soon! After next week, my next schedule isn’t quite as slammed so I will have more time to write. But in the meantime, I didn’t want you guys to think I was flaking out here!!
I’ve been out of town and back and forth and leaving again this weekend after work. My husband has been trying to get their business up and running with his dad (LOTS of prayers needed on that one please!) And I haven’t seen him for almost a month except maybe one day or so here and there, so it will be nice to catch up with him! But in the meantime… I don’t even have a poem or anything… Just some pictures for ya!
My daughter was up here for a few days and brought her new investment! A wonderful camera that she purchased with Chase so that they could partner up with projects they have going instead of waiting for filmmakers to fit them in…. and I have found her to have quite an eye as she has captured her brother’s sweet little new family as they posed for her. Thought I’d share a few shots with ya as I work on my next post that is long over due!
Love you all! Thanks for your patience!
Introducing our wonderful Sophia with her wonderful Mama Amanda
And my son…Tough Guy Chadly who really is a softy when it comes to his babygirl Sophie!
With his other sweet girl Jasmine! (Where does time go?)
Who he thinks he needs to always teach to be tough (“Ahhh come on dad, give me a break!”)
And our wonderful new little grandson Brenden ~ to whom Chad has already started teaching about the importance of muscles to!
Daddy is even telling Sophie about all the important things he wants her to know about!
Such a sweet family!
Funny how babies have a way of softening even the tough guys!
Anywaaay, that is my update! Thanks for walking through my little Grandma Brag Book! Thanks Brookie for capturing them all!
03 Jun 2013
in Acceptance, Anger, arguing, Attitudes, communication, frustration, humor, reflection
Tags: Communication, relationships, resolutions, understanding
I saw this video today that made me actually laugh out loud. Communication is so simple and yet we make it so hard. It is not limited to just men and women but in this particular case that is what I am talking about here. We have such defenses built up that we can’t see past the nail in our own foreheads! (Stay with me here, once you watch the video you will see what I mean!)
If you are constantly feeling misunderstood or know a young couple who is always having trouble communicating. This is a great one to share. Some of you may have already seen this before but today was the first time I have and I played it back a few times. It makes me smile. Probably because I love a good metaphor but mostly because I relate. I’ve grown tired of feeling that I need fixing and yet today when I was looking through a cupboard trying to find something I came across this wonderful letter my husband wrote to me when we were married just five years.
I wanted to grab him and say….”NOW that is what I’m talking about!!!” Funny how it was the perfect letter and I don’t even remember it. I think that is a pretty big message to me. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to be right we can’t see past that the other guy might have a good point as well!
Now go watch the video! I promise you will laugh or at the very least try not to!
03 Jun 2013
Tags: http://lifeofaministermom.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/screen-shot-2013-05-13-at-12-48-10-pm.png?w=646, Sunshine Award, WordPress
For those of you who have given me awards please don’t be offended if I have not gone through the process of accepting. Lets face it… those AWARDS are special honors but pretty time consuming and once you really honker down to accept one it is a few hour process! I know that this is just one of many and I really wanted to list them all here and ”accept” them with one swoop but I don’t have a lot of time so am recognizing this one for now. If you have never followed through with the process of accepting one of these… it takes a little time.
I have been working a lot and other things have gotten in my way but that doesn’t mean that I am not terribly honored for being mentioned. I am. Tonight, I wanted to take the time to honor this one : The Sunshine Award! I am technically challenged to say the least so I am not sure how to post it on my page and that has been why I have probably not attempted to honor more but I will do my best here… cuz I’ve grown to love my little friend who has gifted me with this one!
http://lifeofaministermom.com/about/ given to be by Patricia my wonderful new friend that has touched my life in a powerful way.
She loves the Lord with a consistency that inspires and challenges me. Her knowledge of scriptures is (at loss for a better word) again, inspriring! Even though we are decades a part, there was something so powerful about our connection. I feel that it was a God ordained, Divine appointment and that our friendship will last into eternity. Some people we are just meant to meet and I have no doubt that Patricia was one of the ones God put in my path.
I’ve linked back to her blog (click on the purple highlight above), you should go and check out her blog. It is packed full of INSPIRATION and honest down to earth writing that will warm your soul!
Here are 7 fun facts about me:
1. I knew that I wanted to be a writer since I could read and basically plagerized my version of C.S. Lewis’s The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe when it was read to our class when I was in the second grade. I wrote my own version and changed the names! LOL. NOW I think up my own material!
2. I know that God answers prayer from experience.
3. My husband and I attended the same grade school though we never met until over twenty years later.
4. I have a greeting card line that I’ve written and illustrated. You can see them here: https://www.etsy.com/people/crafterdi?show_panel=true
5. I recently stopped doing art shows, I am a retired artist and am writing a book. (Aren’t we all?)
6. I was born on my grandma’s birthday and my precious new granddaughter was born on mine exactly one month ago today!
7. My daughter also writes and has a blog right here on wordpress! And is an artist and also has an etsy account! http://www.etsy.com/shop/thenakedbird She has followed in her mama’s footsteps and even done a few art shows. (You know you’ve done something right when they do what you did) ;) But she has far surpassed me. She is a GRAND actress and wonderful singer. Two talents I would love to have but don’t have a stitch of! Ya don’t wanna hear me sing!!!
Here are my nominees…. I need 100 more spaces here because there are so many more that I could list who inspire me with their sunshine each day but here is my list. NOW I know why I don’t do these awards a lot cuzzz they are pretty time consuming but so worth following through from time to time because it makes you take time to appreciate those who follow you and consistently bring joy to my life. I want to thank you all. Please don’t feel obliged to have to do this AWARD… I only did this one because I felt it was about time to honor
Okay I hate to do this to you guys but tag … your IT!
Please check out my bright and sunny nominees. Their constant encouragement and/or beautiful images inspire me!
1.Paul at: http://pjb1943.wordpress.com/about/
2. Yaz at: http://yazrooney.wordpress.com/
3. Keli at: http://kelihasablog.wordpress.com/
4. Emma at: http://emmacapell.wordpress.com/about/
5. Pat at: http://plaintalkandordinarywisdom.com/
6. Becky at http://ivegotastory.wordpress.com/about/
7. Sherry at: http://littlemisswordy.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/through-the-door-the-power-of-prayer/
8. Bill at Unshakable Hope
9. Louise at: http://www.recoveryourjoy.blogspot.com/
10. Carolyn at: http://abcofspiritalk.wordpress.com/about/
11. Anka at: http://keepingitrealmom.com/about/
12. Ralph at: http://bluefishway.com/about/
A message from Shaun, the creator of this award:
This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I started this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award. Thank you, Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/
1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family.
4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them.
5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people that have taken you as a friend, and spread the love.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH, AND LET’S CONTINUE TO SPREAD THE LOVE!
30 May 2013
in Attitudes, Broken spirit, character, communication, Compassion, Confidence, confusion, courage, faith, God, God's word, hurts, learning, lessons on the job, letting go, Life Journey, Miracles, Mistakes, patience, Perseverance, Perspective, prayer, pride, Relationships, Spiritual
Tags: faith, Goals, God, Hope, Jesus, Letting Go, Lord, relationships
Broken by the world, surprised by their angry words
I stand before you Lord, so tired in this world.
Weary and battered, by those I once called “my friends”
please take these broken pieces I now hold within my hands…
You find me on my knees as I begin to ask
Just how much longer you think that I can last…
And then I realize YOU’RE the one who truly knows
the sting in the world’s curses and it’s flailing blows,
and so I begin to let go, laying everything at your feet
Falling on my face, I know you see the real me.
As I realize it’s all just a speck in time
and it’s really about the piece of YOU that I leave behind!!!
Guide me as I talk, let your words be ones I choose
For YOU know today this mountain must be moved.
As I form the sentences let them come from YOU…
Filled with strength and grace and only what is true.
As I walk in faith, let me find YOU in every choice
And as I seek your will today, let them hear YOUR voice.
Take these broken pieces Lord, for they don’t belong to me!
Remind me that in their ”brokeness” YOU have the victory!
29 May 2013
in letting go, moving on, Poetry, self worth, Uncategorized
Tags: Healing, Letting Go, Poetry, reflection, relationships, stopping the madness
I trace my finger along the boundaries
my heart has reassigned
I want to tell you something
and then I change my mind
It’s getting easier not to respond
to just turn the page again
I know we promised to be friends
but is that really where we’d end?
I recall when you stopped replying
and slowly I have learned
to find the strength and roll the dice
and know it is my turn.
27 May 2013
in aging, Attitudes, courage, Empty Nest, Life Journey, Midlife Crisis, Wisdom
She wakes up to the scent of aftershave
and soft lips beneath a scruffy kiss,
knowing he’ll be gone for a week or so
she steals one more, sure they’ll soon be missed.
She wanders around the empty rooms
as she put the coffee pot on
memories flood her heart
as she watches the sun slip through the dawn
Nonchalantly she passes a mirror
as she brushes back a wisp of hair…
She shakes her head not recognizing
the reflection of the woman there.
“How did time slip by so fast?”
She asks the woman inside the glass…
It seems as if in the blink of an eye
the last few years have passed…
She sighs as she stops to take the image in
and then quickly looks away
as she brushes another wisp of hair
that has suddenly gone astray.