Who Am I?


stairs swirling

What is failure? Everything about the word stings. I think in the end, it is like everything else, a choice. We look at the glass as half full or half empty. We look at failure as rejection or opportunities to try again. In my life I have recently been on a downhill spiral. I have allowed myself to shut down. My life was interrupted in a way that I could  never have predicted at a time in my life when I needed a change. I reacted in a way I never could have imagined and only now am beginning to recover. Trying to understand the notion of who I am. I mean really Who Am I?

Sam I am

Have you ever felt crazy? I am not sure what crazy is. Perhaps it is carrying around a version of someone else inside your body. You function, you exist, you let this thing called a body carry you around and yet you don’t connect with it or anyone around it. You just kind of fake it. I think in a way, that has happened to me twice in my lifetime. The first time I think I was unaware what was happening and the second, well it just blindsided me.

split mirror

I was raised in a home which had its own issues but for the most part it was a loving and good one. When I started dating, I was pretty innocent. I didn’t have a lot of experience and I got involved in a pretty abusive relationship. A little physically, but most of it was emotionally, and the damage was so great then that  it has impacted me all these years later, I have carried the damage with me, trying to deny it. I have struggled with different issues all of my life stemming back to those days. Though, I’d really thought that I was past it all.  But something happened recently that made me wonder if I’d been faking everything about who I’d convinced myself that I was.

alice quote

 

Where I was reasonable, I was foolish, where I was truthful, I was shady, where I was faithful, I was non-committal. I craved a “soft place to fall” and looked for it in all the wrong places. My final stand was that it was MY TURN and I was going to make me happy “finally”. I started losing weight and taking care of the body that was carrying me around whoever I was. But I was in this fog of instant gratification. And for a while, I can’t deny it. I liked the feeling.

But there is this place in all of us… the part of the “me” that we know that we are. The place that brings tears to our eyes if we stay there too long. Where we feel love and pain and we are REAL and I am not sure if that is where home is or our heart or soul. A place where we still can get healthy and feel good about ourselves for the right reasons. A place that is the keeper of our heart. And for some of us… that place may be hard to find. We may have lost the key but yet…   I know that is where God is always waiting. And somehow I always manage to find my way back there.  And you know what? He still remembers me. Even though I think that “this time” I may have fallen out of HIS grace. He still remembers and loves me anyway.  It is not about being crazy, or failure or guilt. HE is that soft place. When I ask; “Who am I?” He replies You are my lamb.

Jesus saving the lamb

Still My Lamb

I couldn’t stand the world’s pain

and so I ran away

like the lone lamb from the flock,

I was the one who strayed.

I fell from grace still clinging,

hanging to life’s limb

as the Hand Of Life came down,

the one, that belonged to HIM

He left the nintey nine

to come and set me free

I didn’t understand why

He’d do that just for me

I asked Him “Why My Lord?

You don’t know who I am.”

He said, “Oh my child yes I do,

you are still my lamb.”

Diane Reed

2014©

Jesus and Lamb

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41 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. secretangel
    Jun 11, 2014 @ 22:35:43

    Wow.. so much of this is me. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Jun 12, 2014 @ 04:05:24

      I feel the same. I am in love with your blog and plan to hang out there more in the near future!!! Thank you so much for reading so much here! I am very honored after reading your posts! I am for sure a fan and I look forward to a friendship… hopefully!
      xoxo

      Reply

      • secretangel
        Jun 12, 2014 @ 12:04:28

        Thank you so much for your support. I have glanced at your 2 blogs and it appears that we have much in common. I have called you Keri on one of my comments but realize that your name may be Diane. Whatever, I chose to call you “my sister”! God has His Hands upon you, my sister. You are blessed and highly favored.

        Reply

        • coastalmom
          Jun 12, 2014 @ 12:31:25

          I think that Steve was God’s vessel that HE used to make me realize that OURS was a DIVINE appointment. We were meant to meet. My name is Diane. Keri is the name in my book. As names have been chang there for obvious reasons. I am not ashamed of my story anymore and I think that it is important to share my message but I don’t want to hurt anyone by telling it either and so I have chosen to present it as fiction. ;-)

          Reply

          • secretangel
            Jun 13, 2014 @ 00:29:31

            Awesome! Thanks for clarifying. And yes, I agree that Steve was God’s vessel and this is a Divine appointment. I have also written a book about abuse. It is my true story but no names are mentioned. I have written it under “Secret Angel” as well as my blog and the name of our ministry to reach out to victims of abuse. All proceeds of the book go to the ministry to help victims. God rescued me when I did not know that I needed rescuing and there are many more like us out there. I represent the “nameless and faceless” and pray for the rescue of millions around the world. We are part of His Army, my sister. God bless you!! :)

            Reply

  2. swethadhaara
    Mar 15, 2014 @ 12:41:41

    That’s true, even I had same experiences…when in adversities all of our friends and relatives ditch us. It is only our confidence in God and his love that drives us forward!! i will never forget this truth in my life.

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Apr 27, 2014 @ 17:35:05

      I have been getting soooo blesseed today! I decided to come on and catch up with my comments and you guys are blowing me away by saying the perfect things that I needed to hear exactly today!
      Thank you for taking the time to read my words! I pray that our paths keep crossing!
      xoxo

      Reply

  3. drell3
    Mar 12, 2014 @ 10:57:59

    Love this and can so relate to it! That old track just keeps going and going in your brain after all these years. Sometimes the smallest things can bring us back to the old days. You are pretty awesome ya know.. And ya know God don’t make no junk! LOL Hugs girl! Keep marching on.. I’ll be following behind ya!

    Reply

  4. becwillmylife
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 21:49:48

    Diane,
    I admire you for writing this. It is easy to write about the times when we are on cloud nine and everything seems to be falling in to place. It is more difficult to share our difficulties because we feel exposed and vulnerable. You know I have had a period in my life when I thought I was nuts. I am pulling for you and praying for you too.❤️

    Reply

  5. nataliescarberry
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 03:10:25

    Wow, very honest and in depth look at who you are and how you got where you are! I loved the part about God not forgetting who you are! He never does and he always welcomes us back no matter how far we stray! And that’s just so freaking awesome because sometimes we forget who we are, forget about Him, and are not even sure we’d welcome ourselves back. You are a wise woman, and the Lord is digger deeper in your soul to bring more of that goodness and wisdom to the surface. Blessings, Natalie :)

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:20:51

      Natalie,
      You made me laugh at your “so freaking awesome” comment. I couldn’t have said it better myself! Thank you for reading! I am at a much better place now. I am working on a poem about how as we look back at our lives we see the greates lessons ever learned. No matter how we bumble along… God uses it all! I love HIM!
      Thank you for being a light in my journey. I am so glad we met!

      Reply

      • nataliescarberry
        Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:26:35

        I’m glad we’ve met too, and I can’t wait to read your poem. Last night as I read two devotionals before bedtime, I wished I coud have sent them to you. They addressed the issues we’d talked about. Have a blessed Sabbath! May His presence surround you and wrap you in His warm, loving arms. Hugs, Natalie :)

        Reply

  6. writerwannabe763
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 02:14:10

    I do know what you’re saying… as far as different times in my life..just wondering who I am… even lately… I remember saying to my husband that who I see in the mirror and how I feel… doesn’t feel like the ‘me’ inside. Not as startling as what you’re referring to or as in the years of ‘depression’ wondering … but those feelings do creep in … Glad you’re feeling the love of God always there for you… His love and patience and grace is amazing… Diane

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:24:08

      Diane…
      EXACTLY!
      Sometimes I just avoid the mirrors all together! I remember a much younger girl telling me she hated mirrors and fining it so sad. She said she just doesn’t look. I was facinated. NOW I kind of “get it” lol.
      But I know what you mean. I see this stranger in my mirror. And it’s not just the age thing. It’s the person inside looking back. I thought being a teenager was hard. This middle of the life stuff can be so rewarding and suck all in the same day!
      Thank you for reading! I love your thoughts!

      Reply

  7. Ralph
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 22:52:25

    It’s great to see your beaming smile after going through that big storm Diane. Keep smiling. Ralph xox :D

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:25:14

      Ralph,
      Why is it that I always want to put an…. Ahhh before your name? I resisited today! LOL. But you just make me feel like coming home when I see you have read and commented!!!!!
      xoxo
      (By the way HOW ARE YOU feeling? Any news?)
      Praying!!! ;)

      Reply

      • Ralph
        Mar 02, 2014 @ 19:58:35

        Oh, Diane, you are so sweet !! Just like the bit I want to nibble off a chocolate bar ;)

        No news as yet as my next visit to the hospital for results is in 2 weeks time. Not much change so far. Pray harder !! ;) Thanks for caring my friend and I am so pleased that things are on the up for you Diane :D xox

        Reply

  8. Unshakable Hope
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 17:46:41

    Great post, Diane. You have a lot of wisdom for someone so young :-)

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:27:07

      Bill,
      I was hoping I’d be a little smarter by now! LOL. I am pretty sure that I am older than you! ;) And look how brilliant you are! I need to catch up fast!!!
      xoxo ;)

      Reply

  9. PapaBear
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 16:55:57

    D, the staircase was in the Loretto Chapel in Santa Fe NM. Here is a bit of info I copied from the brochure I picked up there:

    When the Loretto Chapel was completed in 1878, there was no way to access the choir loft twenty-two feet above. Carpenters were called in to address the problem, but they all concluded access to the loft would have to be via ladder as a staircase would interfere with the interior space of the small Chapel.

    Legend says that to find a solution to the seating problem, the Sisters of the Chapel made a novena to St. Joseph, the patron saint of carpenters. On the ninth and final day of prayer, a man appeared at the Chapel with a donkey and a toolbox looking for work. Months later, the elegant circular staircase was completed, and the carpenter disappeared without pay or thanks. After searching for the man (an ad even ran in the local newspaper) and finding no trace of him, some concluded that he was St. Joseph himself, having come in answer to the sisters’ prayers.

    The stairway’s carpenter, whoever he was, built a magnificent structure. The design was innovative for the time and some of the design considerations still perplex experts today.

    The staircase has two 360 degree turns and no visible means of support. Also, it is said that the staircase was built without nails—only wooden pegs. Questions also surround the number of stair risers relative to the height of the choir loft and about the types of wood and other materials used in the stairway’s construction.

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:29:29

      Paul,
      That is incredible! How do you know all that? THAT must be an interest of yours? I loved the history lesson. Especially because I am in a place now, where I really appreciate it… where once I might not have found it quite as fascinating when I learned stuff like that as a kid! Thank you for the history lesson! I love staircases! Even if I couldn’t walk up em… I’d still want two stories… :)

      Reply

  10. elizabeth2560
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 03:00:51

    I can feel your pain and I hope that everything is OK with you, and you are coping OK with whatever it is that has happened to you.

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 03:27:36

      Elizabeth,
      Thank you for your concern and for taking the time to read! Yep… I was stuck for a while, was blind but now I see! Smile! :)
      But seriously, I am past everything, just kind of in a reflective mode right now thinking what in the world was I thinking???!!!! Ya know?
      Nothing really even very recent. Just me being glad I found my way OUT! And hoping to inspire anyone feeling stuck or in pain right now… so that they might know that there is hope!
      xoxo

      Reply

  11. D.G.Kaye
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 01:52:51

    I am so proud of you girl! There are no time limits. You are blessed. You are a wonderful, compassionate human being. Some never find the way in their lifetime and you have finally seen the light with still a half of a lifetime left! It seems my dear friend we have led parallel lives in so many ways. Your prose and poetry are equally beautiful. I am proud of you and love you! xoxo

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 03:23:00

      Debbie,
      You are my Keeper of my HOPE!!! I love thinking that I am only halfway there and I still have more time to figure this life of mine out and how to do it right! That is a great attitude and if you can have it, so can I!
      I love you my friend! You are such a daily blessing!!!!
      xoxo

      Reply

  12. A Servant
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 01:31:50

    One must be of sound mind to question craziness. As for the trauma of your past, I have no reference point to even dare comment. I can only say listen to God’s voice and head that way.

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 03:20:57

      Oh I love that so much!!! The thought that you have to be sane to question one’s craziness gives me hope! LOL.
      Thank you for the advice and I definitely am heading for HIS voice!!!!!
      Thank you for your time and reading and commenting!
      xoxo

      Reply

  13. viveka
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 22:36:01

    Wow, you have really open yourself here …. and I read so much pain and sadness in your words. You haven’t fallen out anyone’s grace – you know my stand .. about that part.
    You’re a fantastic woman .. and you have to believe in yourself – you can fix it.
    You’re on your way. I wish I would be able to give you a good shake. *smile
    It’s all there inside you – you don’t have to be perfect, be you .. start loving yourself. Because if you don’t love yourself – are you not able to love others.
    Such a beautiful post – you have a beautiful heart and soul … start to love you!!!!

    Reply

    • coastalmom
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 03:18:41

      Viv,
      I kind of wish you were there to shake me too. LOL.
      It is so good to see you again!!!!
      Your words of wisdom have been missed!
      You never disappoint me and I always take everything you say to heart!
      Thank you!
      xoxo

      Reply

      • viveka
        Mar 01, 2014 @ 22:02:03

        Good to see you, you look stunning on your profile photo. As always.
        I think you know all that I wrote .. but sometimes we need a reminder. You have so much to give and start giving it to yourself. Have a lovely weekend and see you soon again.
        Lots ..

        Reply

  14. PapaBear
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 17:27:38

    D, that staircase can only be from a mission church I visited while in Santa Fe a couple of years ago. It was a beautiful old place with all of the original charm of te early missions restored. Wonderful post, D. Hugs.

    Reply

  15. Let's CUT the Crap!
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 16:03:26

    Sounds like rough beginnings but you’ve survived and made it. We are our worst enemies as well as our strongest allies. :-) At most, it takes time to find our stride to move forward. Look at you now!

    Reply

  16. quiall
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 13:50:07

    I believe we must endure the dark to truly appreciate the light. Good for you coming through intact!

    Reply

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