I think that admitting you are middle aged is like turning the light on. Though, recognizing what a full blown mid life crisis is and that we are having one is a little less easy. Sometimes when we are in the dark for so long, we don’t realize that just turning on a light would help us see things a little better. I think that I have been in the dark for a few years now. I would never have suspected that I would be in the throws of the classic symptoms of a mid life crisis and have missed them all together but now as I turn around and look at where I have been recently and what I have done, I am sure or maybe even positive that I have been experiencing just that.

A young girl with a lot of wisdom and research under her belt spoke to me about hormones and the mixture of menopaus and my experience with my now empty nest mixed in with a bit of being stuck in a marriage that seemed to be on a merry go round of excuses and wah lah you have what we define as a mid life crisis. The problem was just how far I took mine.

Stuck in a job that didn’t leave room for a lot of creativity which is what I crave, lost in regret of many areas of my past, guilt about a divorce, anger about a past relationship even  before my marriage that defined much of who I am now, and pieces of my childhood that seemed fragmented into much pain, my current marriage barely had a chance.

Go forward a thousand years and I found myself right in the middle of a profound place of being stuck…. My dad died when I was twenty six. I thought I would never stop grieving over that. I was not ready to lose a parent yet and was devestated. Even today, I can find uncried tears easily when I think of it too hard. Death is difficult at any age, but when it is cut short so early there is something that just never seems right about it. And even though we were divorced, when my first husband died it was all surreal. It didn’t rock my world as I might have thought. It all happened so fast. And I truly think that I am just afraid to go there. To really feel the pain about losing the father of my children, to wonder what if… and the guilt of the divorce. When he told me he was dying, he said something that made me feel that he thought that maybe if we had stayed together, I may have magically been able to stop this from happening… his dying I mean.  I can’t seem to get it out of my head… what he said when he told me he was dying… I said… “I should have stayed with you to nag you about your smoking.” And he said, “I knew you were going to think that.” I didn’t really think that. I just said it, to have something to say in a moment of having nothing. Maybe he thought that. I never knew.

I don’t think that I have dealt with a lot of pain in my life. I think that I have pushed it all away and at times it comes out in anger and in other times bad judgement, as I look for things to numb it. Alcohol and drugs is a temporary fix. I don’t like the way they make me feel after it has all worn off… and so I must go on the journey to find something opposite to numbing the pain. I need to finally deal with the pain and in turn heal the wounds. I have started on this journey and made mistakes along the way… this blog is my way of sharing that journey, my mistakes and in turn, hoping to find some answers for us all.

7 thoughts on “Beginning In The Middle

  1. So I stumbled upon your blog post “Beginning In The Middle” from 2011, and I must say I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, even at my tender age of 33. I feel like I went through my own mid-life crisis at age 30, when I changed jobs, left my husband, lost weight, became more independent, started dating (for the first time in my life) all in the same year. It took me 33 years to feel aware of who I really am, and I haven’t even scratched the surface yet. I’ve wrote this before in my blog posts that I actually can’t wait to be in my forties and fifties, for me I know I will have matured into something better than I am now. But that is only my perception of things. I hated my teens, did not make the right choices in my twenties, and only in my thirties do I love myself and feel stable, but that’s because I’ve worked hard and strived to better myself. Life for me is bliss now in my thirties and I can’t wait to get older, weird I know, my fiancée does not agree with me, he had a hard time when he turned 30 last year! Age is only in your mind, like how you wrote about your grandmother and her feeling seventeen. Me in my mind I feel 35ish. *haha. I totally relate to the part of being in a job where you need to be creative but can’t, that’s when you start a BLOG! But as an aspiring writer (which I am guessing you are or poet) you need an outlet to express your thoughts and imagination. Posting online is a great way to start. That’s why I joined a writing forum and the result was becoming part of a small writing group, which we do prompts for short stories. I’ve learned a lot from others and hope one day to finish my young adult novel. What genre of writing do you like best? One last note: never feel guilty for divorce; I am a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason!” Excellent post!

    1. Stephanie~
      I am so enjoying you! Today is my day off and I am having fun moving my room around and stopping to read your posts! I loved this one.
      I think when I turned forty, I wasted my whole 39th year worrying about it! NOTE to younger friends…. smile…. don’t waste your thirties dreading what comes next!
      Funny that you chose this post to land on…. I was just writing a melancholy poem about empty nests! Ha!

  2. Hi Di! Thanks for leaving the backdoor open. Wow, what a telling post! I can say that I can identify with some of it, especially losing my dad at just barely turning 30, I know how painful that is and yes, when I think too long about him, tears still stream 20 years later………..like it was only yesterday. You are so inspirational! xo

    1. Debby,
      YOU are the inspiring one! You actually did as I asked and you will never know how much I appreciate it! You are one of the BEST!
      Thank you!
      Hey by the way… can you leave your blog address here… I can’t seem to get into it?

  3. That was some powerful writing. I could feel the tension and pain crafting the words. I’m so sorry for the hurt but that was a very good read. Wonderful sincerity.

    1. Thank you Jim!
      I have been fighting the flu! I just woke up from a middle of the day nap and thought that I missed New Years! Smile.
      And woke up to find this wonderful note! It was better than aspirin!
      I had to go look up the post to remember!
      Thank you!

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