If I could describe my life in one word right now, I would have to say it would be Retrospect.

Retrospect:

A review, survey, or contemplation of things in the past. v. ret·ro·spect·ed, ret·ro·spect·ing, ret·ro·spects. v.intr. 1. To contemplate the …

How totally and utterly perfect, I think as I looked up exact definitions of the word! That describes it to a Tee! My life that is, I am in the constant mode of evaluating where I have been.  Carpe diem on the other hand means to seize the day! And that is my quest! To somehow get past all this focus on yesterday and to move forward. Sounds so easy hey?

Once upon a time, I wondered who I would be when I grew up, what I would do, where I would live, who I would fall in love with, I wondered about my children and how many I would have, if I would be a good mother, wife, friend… successful… and wondered what success would look like to me. In other words, my life was just beginning. My pages of my life’s story were just being filled. I was in such a hurry to know the ending. Now it seems as if I reached the ending way too soon. The book has been filled and I am wondering…. “now what?”

I have a young friend that just messaged me from Germany. She is traveling this summer. Ahh to be young again! It gave me a melancholy retrospective feeling of regret for a moment. Wishing that I had traveled more, or at all!

The other day I was walking to the beach with one of my best friends of about 30 years. I was seizing the day so to speak as I fell kerplop like a klutz. When you fall it usually hurts. When I fall, I tend to spring right back up with the kind of adrenalin rush that comes from shock and embarrassment. This time, not so much, this time, it really hurt. In fact, I am still not sure I didn’t damage something in my arm. It made me realize one thing. I may not be “old” but I am definitely not as young as I used to be.

In retrospect, I think I have gone through a few years of what my Therapist and my family might call depression but I think it is clearly me just being stuck in this place of retrospect as I “contemplate things of my past.” After that fall, I have to admit, I was a little fearful of even WALKING! Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me? I am not going to let that fall get me down! (No pun intended!)

Recently, my in-laws bought me a fitbit. It is this little computer chip that you wear to tell you about your day’s worth of activity. I received 2 notifications that I had already earned two badges! This little contraption has re-motivated me to brush myself off and keep going. My in-laws are amazing through knee replacements and back surgeries and health set backs, they are busier than me on most days! My mother in law’s favorite Uncle played a mean game of tennis well into his 80s!

So in retrospect, my nest may be empty and my hard lean body may need a little work and my attitude a slight adjustment but I know for today. I have switched out the word that describes my life from :Retrospect to Carpe diem! Seize the Day girl! Seize the day! Well, excuse me as I slip on my fitbit and go earn some more badges…. I am off for my morning walk!

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2 thoughts on “Retrospect

  1. I am at my best when I can achieve the sense that there is only now. The past is gone and can’t be changed, the future has not happened and is unknowable. My current state and what is before me is all there is that I can possibly deal with.

    I will share one reason I’m doing this the way I’m doing it. OK, two. The easy one is that you are a very likable and loving person as evidenced by your behavior elsewhere. The other reason is that there is a book going to happen and I want to see it emerge here as if in real time. I am watching for it to happen and learning about you in the meantime. I unintentionally read between lines and between pages; sometimes, I’m even right.

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