Perfection is a funny thing. I am definitely not a perfectionist and yet I do seem to like things just right. A little like Goldilocks. When I was little Goldilocks and the Three Bears troubled me. I recall sitting on my dad’s lap as he read me the story and when he got to the part where she falls on the floor because the chair was too small and it breaks into pieces, I announced “Good.” My dad was appalled. I was only three at the time and he was upset that his child would be the least tiny bit pleased that anyone, even a storybook character got hurt. “Well, she shouldn’t have just walked into their house when no one was home.” I remember trying to explain and being so troubled that my dad was upset with me that I ran to my mom crying and I don’t think that we ever finished that story.
Years later, now I understand why that particular story always seemed to bother me more than your average fairy tales… It wasn’t because of the bears or the intruder, it was not because the porridge was too cold or too hot, it was because my dad didn’t “get” me at that particular moment. Funny, how things stick with you over the years. Though this self awareness journey that I am traveling is enlightening, it has made me realize that I needed affirmation at a very early age and I don’t think I got think I got it a lot. Silly, but none of those early moments even teetered on being abusive, they were just simple times of remiss that mattered to me and effected who I am today.
It is interesting how all of these years later, I feel a little like Goldilocks, wandering through doors in my life, peeking in, to find nothing was just right. I stand in the shower and adjust the temperature, not too cold, not too hot. I wake up on a summer day to go on a walk and hit the morning and love the time of day when the sun is just appearing and everything seems not “too anything” but just right.
I don’t need the most money or the biggest mansion or the best car. I don’t need the handsomest lover or the best body, or to hob knob with the elite. I just would like it “just right” even though I have been mad at Goldilocks for a lifetime. I have become her. Not a perfectionist, just wanting what I want the way I want it and never really feeling as if I have arrived.
Today, I am on a quest to arrive and to feel as if I deserve to find that place that I fit into, to feel the way I do about certain things and not need to be affirmed by anyone but me. I want to walk through the front door invited and to sit in the chair without it breaking and finally feel as if I belong.