There was a recent show on one of the cable channels called finding Erica, it was about a Therapist who sends a young girl in her thirties through all these doors during their sessions. Each door is a place in her past where she gets to have a “do – over” I never really watched it faithfully while it was on the air but the few episodes I did see, really touched me to the core. The writing was amazing and it just made you think.
What if we could go back? What if we could get a “do over” of sorts? Would you walk through that door? What if on that door it said…. “HAPPY” with the promise of fixing what wasn’t (happy, that is) in your life today, what if you walked through it, you were guaranteed to find the happiness you thought you couldn’t find anywhere else?
Recently, I was given that opportunity. Or so I thought. I opened that door a little over a year ago. Once I even stepped inside. But for the most part I just hung outside looking in, wondering “what if”… What if things had been different? What if I knew then what I knew now? What would I have done? Would I have stayed and tried to make it work?
I am not sure why I got a chance to go back inside for a while and look around. It rocked my world. It hurt a lot of people I love. It hurt me most of all. But I think it was allowed so that I could see that you really can’t go back. Voices may sound the same, smells and songs may dance inside your heart and if you close your eyes you might not see that everyone is older, hair has grayed or receded, people aren’t as thin as they used to be, skin is wrinkled. It alarms you how EVERYTHING has changed! And yet not everything. You learn that, some things never change. The things that drove you away in the first place slowly appear and you realize that maybe, walking away is the best thing you could ever have done. And just maybe, happy is not back there. Maybe happy is right in front of you. Maybe you are the one who is stopping your own happy by holding on to that door knob and not letting go.
I know when I walked back through that door, I was snapped back to another time. A time that had been hell and heaven. I was young and fun again and so was everyone else. No one was old in that room. No graying or receding hair, no wrinkles or aching bones. I was thin and pretty and everyone else was much, much younger. In my mind, if I closed my eyes, the fantasy continued. A time that owned my happiness for a short while but also gave me the clearest glimpse of hell I have ever seen. A time that kept a piece of my heart and yet I knew I wanted it back and so I went on a journey to get it, and for a long time, not really knowing if I was ever going to walk out that door again or if I wanted to.
I didn’t find my heart but I did find answers or perhaps maybe even lessons, like…. You can never go back, or…. like…. Finding happy may be actually finding it in your own backyard…. I wasted a year convincing myself that little problems I already had were bigger and that going backwards was going to solve everything when going backwards was just that, going backwards! Well finally, the last lesson learned, has pushed me back through the door. Things really do never change and walking out that door was the smartest thing I ever did back then. Not that other doors I have walked through have not also taught me lessons but this one has been the biggest one of all. It has taught me to not look back. So I walk out the door and turn around to look at it one last time as I shut it FOREVER and remove the “HAPPY” sign and decide that I am taking it with me into the future.