How much honesty can anyone truly handle? I mean, when you ask someone if something makes you look fat, do you really expect the truth or really want it from a spouse, bff, family member or just a stranger in the next dressing room? The question is, do we really want to know? Well, if I ask. I really do. The problem is, when I don’t ask or when others don’t ask. Sometimes our familiarity truly does breed a bit of contempt.

I know that sometimes, I offer my kids unsolicited advice.  And I am really beginning to try to back off lately. I am not breaking down any doors to give it anymore. Recently I have been in a state of what I might define as “observation Mode” I have seen myself in the proverbial reflection of my disdain and can’t stand it. I can tap out a text of what I may feel is a profound revelation in two minutes and push SEND and then re-read it and think WHO exactly do I think I am?! Somehow, the brilliance of my profound thought is totally lost in it’s unedited version. I have spent a lot of time deleting entire threads full of my own opinions,  that I am not especially proud of. Unfortunately, we can’t always back pedal and delete the memory of the words once they are out there. How nice it would be if we could back-space certain conversations we’ve had. Ya know?

At other times I truly feel that the truth needs to be said and when I don’t say it, I feel as if I have missed some pretty obvious and important opportunities by remaining silent. I’m sure that we all can relate to those conversations that we re-play in our heads as we are lying there on the edge of falling asleep,  long after they have happened and we SO want to insert paragraphs we imagine saying after the opportunity has presented it’s self.

I absolutely kick myself sometimes for not saying things that just needed to be said and so sometimes, even if it comes off as a little abrupt, you had better watch out because I am going to say it, no holding back! Sometimes things just need to be said and put out there for the receiving one to ponder! For too long  I have allowed some things to go unsaid and now at this stage of my life,  I refuse to just sit there and not say anything anymore. And then at other times, you just have to choose your battles and what hill you truly want to die on, and decide if the fight is worth it.

But when all is “said and done” or as the case may be not “said” writing is my way of getting to walk through the rooms of my thoughts and try to make sense of an argument or a conflict or just a missed opportunity to validate a genuine feeling. WORDS are the tool I use to find the missing pieces and connect the puzzle, to find the part of me that is filled with words worth trying on and then to shop for just the perfect fit.

Writing is my soft place to fall, like a whispered prayer, when I own what I write, when all the editing and tailoring is completed.  THAT is when I have reached the perfect moment where I absolutely don’t need anyone else’s opinions. I can look in the mirror of my soul and have something that I KNOW  looks good enough for me, that fits just right and doesn’t make me look too fat!

2 thoughts on “Back Spacing

  1. I really liked the backspace key image. That so summed up much of what you were saying here.

    I’ve had my hand slapped already and I know a certain line to not cross here. For the moment I have no line for you to say anything toward me. Going forward I want the understanding that you have a free pass and if I don’t like anything I will say so and that I gave you permission so the fault cannot be yours.

    All in all, I suppose discretion is the better part of valor. But when we think we see someone walking toward a landmine is it not our duty to say something? I do like your notion of choosing your battles and putting things in the perspective of even considering what is worth dying for.

    I do have to say that you are about the most “together” person I have ever met. You really seem to know where you are coming from and what you care about. We are all uncertain and second guessing ourselves at certain periods of our lives. It is certainly a bizarre notion to suggest that your embrace your current state. You will never have these moments right now ever again, spend them wisely and trust yourself. I would trust you with most anything.

    You are slim and that happy-crazy short-haired blond I see in your “About”, the last one before your daughter. Your blog does seem to fit “just right” in spending a little reading and reacting each evening.

    Don’t make me have you make a list of good things about yourself!

    1. Sometimes as I read your comments I feel this curl “thing” happening to my mouth and realize by the end of reading what you have written, I am smiling. As here today. I wonder if we met at a party or some social event… if we could have gotten to know each other so quickly and liked each other so genuinely if that had been the case? And so when others who have never blogged warn me to “be careful” or look at me as half cranked… I have to believe that they don’t know what they are missing out on…. these friendships amongst fellow bloggers. They are not preplanned nor easy to explain…. (as a very wise friend has said:) we will never have these moments right now ever again, spend them wisely and trust yourself. I also, trust this crazy friendship that has happened here!
      By the way Di or Diane is fine. My husband Jim calls me Di when he loves me… Diane when…. well, rarely… unless he wants to get my attention… you may use either.

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