You came back, not to interrupt my life, not to hurt me, but to ask for my forgiveness. I thought that I hated you. I spent decades trying to forget you. I couldn’t even say your name for months after you left me. I spent hours writing really good poetry because of you. I spent years trying to overcome my pain, trying to prove I was better than you said I was when you left.

When you found me, I was trying to figure out where God figured into all of this, I was on a journey with Him. A journey that had been a long time coming. And I was finally there. Right smack in the midst of finding HIM again! You found me in a state of grace and confusion and somehow you found that part of my heart, way back in the dungeons of my pain that I didn’t even know existed. And between the grace that I was learning about and that part of my heart that found it’s way out, I forgave you and it felt so good.

When you release something like that, the relief is overwhelming. In my imagination, I was seventeen again and you were twenty. But your voice was rich with age, of life lived, that did not include me. It was weird to feel a kind of jealousy of not getting to be a part of that life and yet perhaps in a way, relieved that I wasn’t. From the things you shared, I’m not sure we would have survived it and found the forgiveness we have today. The few friends who I shared our story with cautioned me to be careful, I was treading into un marked territory or even more, territory that was “marked” out of bounds. I went anyway, in a way, I felt entitled, empowered, this time I was going to be in charge. And yet I forgot one thing, to take the ONE who had opened my heart up to forgive in the beginning, and I pretty much entered alone.

You let me talk about my memories, about my pain. And then you began to share about yours. The things I never knew, the things I had forgotten and through the wisdom gathered over the decades that had passed, I understood your pain better. Hate changed to love, and anger to forgiveness. And I forgive you, I really do but you did interrupt my life. There is a huge place inside of it where you just don’t fit in anymore and I am not sure what to do with it.  Somehow that feeling, is lost in the world I live in and I know it doesn’t belong there. And yet, I can’t seem to let go. And I don’t know if it is you or my youth or just the feeling of connecting with my past that I don’t want to lose again. I try to stop wanting you in my life. I try to stop needing that connection…But….

Like a dandilion,  I try to  blow you AWAAAAY, and I blow over and over again, but the seeds scatter and take root and it is like an endless question that has no true answer.

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15 thoughts on “Blown Dandilions

  1. I received a notification here and it made me want to share this again. Or at least write something today because I recognized something that made me realize that all of my insecurities came from the seed planted in the stem of the weed!

  2. Gracious, I’d love to be able to sit down with you and talk about this story. I have someone in my life…sort of, who I am afraid that I will love forever. He too has a lot of pain. However, his pain effects me in the form of intense verbal abuse. I just see past his faults though…straight to his heart. I see what the rest of the world simply cannot see. I pray that God will take the love that I have for him away, but to date, he hasn’t. I’m not sure I want him in my life, but am equally certain that I do want him with me…just living out our lives. I guess for me, letting go is the hard part. When I love, I love deep, with full force. I think you just don’t quit loving someone over night, even if the two of you don’t make sense.

    Thanks for writing this. Sometimes I just wish I could be in your presence and listen to you talk. You have so much wisdom…and you have such a pure, loving heart. Thank you for being my friend.

    All my love,
    Ava

    1. Wow Ava,
      How did I get so blessed? YOU I mean… in my life… my new inspiration. I wish we could sit down somewhere and talk too…wish God would go one more… and make you actually be close by! Smile… Wouldn’t that be fun? To find out we actually lived in the same area??
      But anywaaay… yeah, there are things in my life… choices I have made that I am not too proud of… I have written about this particular subject through out this blog… getting a little bolder each time… sharing…
      Everyone who actually knows me and parts of the story…(Kind of what inspired my book that I am writing stems from.) are baffled as to how honest I am here in my blog… but it really did start out… just as a place for me to file my honest thoughts so that I could come back and have a place I could wander through when I was ready and hopefully see how far I have come…as I said, cough, cough… hopefully…;)
      My hope is that my brain headed choices can help others… where NO ONE relates… they will know they are not alone… or maybe learn from my mistakes.
      I was in a very abusive relationship when I was young… he was my first EVERYTHING… we were together for 3 years and we got engaged at 18 and 21 and then broke up a few years later… it was not a nice ending. He stalked me for a while and so when he contacted me 2 years ago to apologize… I was weary. And then I thought perhaps the “closure” would help me in my current relationship which was not the greatest… and you probably can read the writing on the walls of my blog (metaphorically speaking) and what happened next….
      The closure part of closure the second time around is a bit tricky.
      The emotional connection was powerful and I got WAY over my head.
      I used to be judge and jury when people would say… WE ARE DIFFERENT… Let’s just say I have dropped all my stones that I used to throw inside of my own glass house and have discovered that I am not as perfect as I thought I was. Because never in a million years would I ever have dreamt that the one I thought I hated all these years could come and disrupt my life so much!
      I am still trying to pick up the pieces… But it was a good thing for me to see that no one is above making mistakes… BIG mistakes… even me. And at the same time being so confused by the word mistake because this little interruption has revealed so much about me and errupted this passion to write again that had been dormant for so long. Ava… FB me and we can exchange email addresses…k?

      1. Geez, Louise. You can’t imagine how much you and I have in common. One thing that I STRONGLY believe makes us so effective in our ministries to bring healing to others (particularly young women) is the FACT that we ARE so open and candid.

        I remember when I joined my church…circa 1998 or thereabout. In order to join the church we had to attend a small class. In this small group of people, much to my surprise (and then horror) we had to go around the table and give our testimonies.

        Diane, one thing you have to know about me is that I don’t possess the capacity to lie. So there I was. When it came my turn I just laid it all out. Mind you, I was a group of seemingly “normal”, conservative, financially well-off people. I had just stopped dancing. My testimony was raw and recent.

        I just told my story…with brutal honesty…from my heart…to a group of strangers who I thought were the polar opposite of me. After I spoke, there were a couple of people crying. My openness caused them to be much more open… After my testimony people started being “really” honest…they slowly began shedding their “masks” and quickly started to become very real. Can you believe that they were burdened downed with some of the same stuff as me?

        I learned that we were really all on the same level. If I had have lied and put on false pretenses my group wouldn’t have made the “shift” that it did. I made some really close friends that day.

        People hide their hurts and struggles because they feel like they’re alone and that no one else can relate to them. Women like you and I show them they indeed, they are NOT alone. Our hurts and struggles are very universal.

        We roll the dice every time we remove OUR masks. I always say that love is a gamble. You roll the dice each and every time. You can win big or you can experience unspeakable losses. But it’s like the lottery, you certainly CAN’T win if you don’t play. I’ve been burned all my life but I refuse to be cynical and withdraw myself from the game, live in a shell, and become cynical and isolated. I could miss the great love of my life if I do that. I have to keep playing. I have to keep rolling the dice. Love is the greatest force in the universe. It’s the only thing that makes life worth living. I’m willing to take the risk….to get burned by the fire over and over and over again. I want to find my soulmate…my best friend.

        PLEASE listen to me. KEEP being honest. This blog is a safe place. And I believe that God ordains who reads our blogs and who doesn’t.

        Your candor…and the risks you take by being open bring healing to others…but they also bring healing to you. You and I write with fire and passion. That’s why people connect. If you were to be anything less than who you REALLY are, I don’t believe that you would have the following that you do.

        Email me at confessionsofababymama@live.com. There are some things I want to tell you. Ninety percent of my life is on proud display… on the WORLD wide web for anyone to see. I still like to keep ten percent for me. Know what I mean, jellybean?

        Love you,
        Ava

        1. Ava, I sit here with tears streatming down my face. You do have an amazing testimony! And the talent to write it makes me believe you have a book in there too! Maybe a ton of them! And your platform about honesty is my dleansing breath that I have been gasping for! You are my Angel… but even more… I am getting to see the budding of your own ministry! I am convinced of it. I want to manage all your bookings! (Grin) I see you speaking all over and doing just what I have had a heart to do forever… catch those young girls before they hit the ground!
          I love you back little Ava! You are a blessing!

    1. Arlene, I can’t imagine being more blessed than YOU “getting” my work! I have been having the best time going back in your own archives and reading your amazing writings and having my own socks blessded off! Anyone who wants to be blessed and hasn’t happened to wander in on your works needs to click your name now and follow!!!!

  3. I know this much to be true: God is… he is everything, everywhere, light & dark. It is understandable why this person came back into your circle. Your forgivness is your abundance..Stop blowing, it’s okay.
    I loved this post

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