fighting couple back to back

I try to connect with you and you ask what that means, I tell you,” that if you have to ask, you will never understand.” It is not something that a string of words can ever convey. No sentence can reveal how hearts connect, they just do.

hugging in the rain

I have learned just recently, that I haven’t forgotten how to connect. How easy it would be to not work on us and just settle back and allow this new connection to take me away…

For I have learned that…

 

Connecting is lying on the beach with my eyes closed listening as you read my words back to me just the way I heard them in my head, all with the same tones and inflections that I felt when I wrote them. Connecting is looking up and finding tears in your eyes when I am done reading something that I wrote. Connecting is “just” kissing until our lips are chapped, or washing the tar off of my feet. It is buying me a warm jacket when I am cold or a flashlight when I tell you it is dark at work at night. It is making me call when I get home to tell you I am safe. It is knowing what is important to each other and just doing it without asking. It is saying I love you a million times a day because you need to hear it. And it is finding the place where my glasses waited for me and paying the balance so that I could pick them up. Even though I didn’t want to succumb to finally admitting I needed them, glasses that is… It feels good …to feel important again. Not just in words but in actual actions…  Even though it took a lifetime to appreciate each other, it still is nice. And yet it is scary because our connection is so wrong in ways I can ‘t explain here. You know it is.

And so I remember and try to hold on for dear life and try to remember when “we” connected. And I remember, And I even still feel it sometimes when I remember ….

Jim & Brooke

Connecting is telling you that story about the woman whose husband surprised her and went grocery shopping for all the stuff she needed for a dinner she was having that night and crying silly tears because I was so touched by her husband’s connection with her and having you understand and not laughing at me for crying.

Connecting is when you called me up to wish me a Happy Birthday when I was going through my divorce. Or when you asked to take my son on a Father and Son boating thing and then turned it into a family thing so I could go too, and pretend for one day that we were a family. Or when you followed us home during the LA Riots to make sure we got home okay. Connecting is when that warm feeling came over me when I watched your car lights as you drove away. Connecting was talking for hours about our lives, our broken hearts, our dreams and never wanting the night to end. Connecting is when you took my kids with you when you asked me to marry you and made them a part of the celebration. Connecting was when you made us a family.

 

Connecting might be things that other people do. Or it might be things that I have found in my friends or my passions, it might find me far away from the place I thought connecting was yesterday and it is scary for me to wander off too far trying to find it. But I crave it and yes, I have wandered and it felt so good and so horrible all in one fragile breath, gasping just trying to breathe.

holding hands at sunset

It is not asking me to take a walk and  then joking about the different word counts our counselor told us were allotted to  men and women  by telling me that you were pretty sure that you had already used up your 5000 words for the day and you were darn sure that I must not have too many of my 25,000 left!  Not connecting is not about the crumbs you leave on the counter or the bread you don’t put away, those are just silly things that wouldn’t ever be noticed if only we had never disconnected. But somehow life happened and the link that seemed to connect us broke


.love never fails

So many years have passed. So much water has gone under the bridge. So many mistakes have been made, mostly by me but maybe because we forgot what “connecting” really means.

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Connecting

  1. I have copied that rather profound sentence into my blog-idea file. I should have before, usually I know when I hit on something that could use a more elaborate treatment. I am finding that my gut reactions to some people’s articles are mini articles in themselves and I copy them into my growing file which is currently 2,600 words. Some are a brief sentence like here, some are several paragraphs. Don’t hold your breath on this one as it needs to stew in the back of my head for a while.

  2. I feel like I’ve been blowing you off tearing through a few blogs and rushing to the next one trying to catch up, as if time is going to run out.

    Connecting.

    What is worse, disconnecting and forcing yourselves together; or barely connecting with someone only to be torn apart by life only knowing you really want to get to know someone and can’t?

    I don’t understand connecting although I sure recognize it when it happens. I’ve kind of connected with a couple three people going through their blogs but that was only because I felt a possible connection before I started. I try to read other blogs and they don’t make sense to me, there is no connection to follow or make.

    I don’t see how people can arbitrarily decide to connect. Is that even possible? “To know me is to love me” they say. Sometimes it seems the more I know about someone the less I want to do with them. Weird.

    1. You had me going. I thought you nailed this one.
      You said:
      >>>>>What is worse, disconnecting and forcing yourselves together; or barely connecting with someone only to be torn apart by life only knowing you really want to get to know someone and can’t?<<<<<<<<<
      PROFOUND!
      And then you didn't go there.
      This was actually to or about two people… you are getting to the place where I can't believe you haven't asked more about… KInd of relieved but surprised.

      1. There’s some things I’m not going to pry about that you want me to and other things that I’m going to pry about that you don’t want me to. I think I might find “our” comfort zone by the time I catch up to the present.

        I’ve been getting angry when I think I’m getting closer to the most recent 50 articles only to have you writing more than one long article in a single day. Stop writing so many posts 4 months ago! I want to start reading that book and I am NOT going to jump ahead to get there.

        1. lol…. Sorry, I never knew that there was going to be a jimgramze out there reading all of these. It is funny though you called me a tease a hundred posts back and then you gloss over the obvious answer to your question… though you are almost at the post where I come clean and actually answer it when I finally talk about writing my book. I do want to set you free though… there is no hurry, take a break… go at your own pace… even stop where you are… I just appreciate your feedback so far. It is a wonderful gift that you cared. I like our banter… it fills places that you never can imagine.
          di

          1. Without looking forward I will “go there.” I am guessing and true or not you are my friend “Diane” and not “Di”. Diane has more substance than Di, I can’t explain.

            You have been expressing a mixture of distress, depression, and guilt the past few articles. And now you speak of losing and making “connections.” You were unfaithful or wanted to, or milder still your husband was. The guilt aspect suggests you at least had your part in it.

            True or not you are still Diane, a person of substance, compassion, and intellect who I am proud to call my friend.

            OK!?!?!

            1. okay.
              I am not sure why it has come important what you think. Funny, I guess it is that connection thing. I do have to say though that your words (the ones I copied) were like electricity to me. You should take those few sentences and write your own post. You really had something amazing and powerful…kind of left me hanging wanted me more. I wanted you to write more even more than I wanted you to read my stuff… though I selfishly still do… Does that make any sense at all?

  3. This is quite touching and really sad. I have felt that disconnected feeling a few times in my marriage and I got so scared of how easily and quickly that space can grow if one or both of us is not keeping the connection.

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