Behind the doors of yesterday
we all hold that perfect key
unlocking places in our past
where shadows used to be
Dancing upon moonbeams until all the music dies
letting go of all the pain as the broken winged one flies…
Falling hard from our dreams, when we finally land
searching for our innocence all where we first began.
Diane Reed
2013
As I continue to work on my book, I feel stuck. I am in a place of pain. Of total confusion. I guess ambivalence would be the best word to describe where I have landed. I keep going backwards. I need to start moving forward. I have a story to tell. A lot has to do with my past. I have the framework sitting there for me to build upon and yet I am not sure why I need to write these silly poems that have nothing to do with me today….
Or do they?
The One Thing I know For Sure 
The poem is really good. I really appreciate all of the thoughts you were able to express and also the way they were connected.
I hope you can work through that hard place. I am so looking forward to reading that book! You remind me of a series of very popular articles I was writing in a previous blog called “My Music” in which I had written ten long articles about my experiences in music from the time my mother first asked me if I wanted to take piano lessons. (I was prekindergarten and throwing rocks at a stick on a dirt road and didn’t hear what she was asking me from a distance and I didn’t want to be bothered to I just answered, “Yes.”) I got to a point in college where I truly hated my piano professor (private instruction in college, every music major does it) and I just couldn’t write about it. Could not. So it ended there. That blog was destroyed by a hacker terrorist with every page overwritten with anti-American propaganda.
So I’ve lost all the work I did on my personal music voyage and I’d rather move forward rather than look back and reconstruct it all yet again. I regret that, but it is what it is.
I guess you could skip over the difficult part and go back to it when you are ready. The story is worth the effort and the pain to tell.
THIS one really was an example of going back for the book. Not really “there” right now.
Thanks for sharing that story. I think you may have told me part of it. I don’t understand hackers but I get why you compared it metaphorically with your story and finally having to let it go – though I do hope you realize your story is still worth telling as well.
Your last photo and question really pierced my soul. What would yesterday’s child think about today’s adult. Ooh. 😦
\o/
Ooooh I am sure your yesterday’s child would be very proud! But yeah, it is a question that really makes us all think. Huh?
Your poems are full of emotions and intense feelings , I think you have a great talent and you should continue to share it.
Madalina!
You are my inspiration! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! You made my day!
xoxo
Diane, after reading this I was reminded of a verse, “I’ll give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” (Isaiah 61:3). And I think you already know that God uses everything for the good, even our pain.
Hope your doing better today!
Anka! Beautiful!
You are HIS vessel! Bringing me these words like gifts! I love this verse! Thank you! My poetry is a funny thing. I actually was doing okay when I wrote this. I am not sure how to explain it but I can write a very dark poem and yet not be in that place in my life at the time… Or… for that matter, a happy one and not really be there either. Like I’ve said… sometimes just writing my book, pulls up the way I felt decades ago and so I use it. I am trying to have a poem or a few lines from a poem in front of each of my chapters… that will be another PROJECT all on it’s own… but I have a feeling that it will be kind of fun the way that I find the perfect pictures for my blog… I will try to find the right lines for each chapter from all these poems of joy and sadness that I am writing now… Hope that makes some sense? So I don’t want my readers to think that when I write a poem like “this” one… necessarily means I am “there” right now… But sometimes… of course… I am.
Been writing a lot about yesterday due to my book’s subject. You always give me a lot of food for thought! LOVE IT!!! Maybe I will even use this verse in front of one of my chapters! Thank you!
xoxo
Di
Oh such beautifully written and the most beautiful illustrations !! Yes verily we all have the key to everything….. It is just that we sometimes don’t find the door !!
I have always seen in your posts , a wish to go back to the innocence…Your childhood …Is there any specific reason?
Love you !
Ahhh my young friend, you are very observant! I am writing a book that will answer that question.
I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young. I think that I have spent my whole life trying to save that young girl inside of me and in a weird way intergrate her into my life today. My book (which I posted a few chapters here… if you search using the word “chapters”) is my way of doing that.
Thank you for reading!
Oh yes I was right 😉 I will definitely go through your chapters and let you know what I observed 🙂 Love you !
Of course they do. They come from your heart; the source of all good writing. Just do it! (Wonderful post, by the way!)
You always say the perfect thing! Thank you Charles!
xoxo
We allow bad things because we don’t know any better at the time. God puts us in situations like this so we can see our fears. You didn’t act because you were afraid. You didn’t understand that you really did have the power to survive without him. Its easy to look at in hindsight, when we indeed are stronger. But we’re only stronger because of the long journey from that place, and then as stronger people we look back and beat ourselves up. God put you there to see your fear, and to show you what happens when you refuse to tap into your power. Now you’re stuck because you’re refusing to see that you could simply NOT have made another choice. If you had been able to fight back, you wouldn’t have been put there, because there wouldn’t have been anything to learn.
God has now placed you in a position where you can’t move until you forgive that younger you not not knowing any better. When you do, your book will be richer, more profound, and with a fuller meaning.
Yaz,
I tried to respond to you via my phone but doesn’t look like it went through so wanted to stop and take the time to really thank you properly and re-read your insight! There is a lot of wisdom in your comment and I wanted to really soak it up!
******
Its easy to look at in hindsight, when we indeed are stronger. But we’re only stronger because of the long journey from that place, and then as stronger people we look back and beat ourselves up
*****
HOW PROFOUND!!!
And…. loved this….
*****
If you had been able to fight back, you wouldn’t have been put there, because there wouldn’t have been anything to learn.
*****
And you are right God does have me in a particular position where I am really beginning to soak up what I need to say in the end… and I pray that you are right about the end result!
Thank you for your time. Once again Yaz… your words are my gift of the day!
xoxo
I’m glad it has some meaning to you Diane, because it is so important to let the past go. We can only do this when we are at peace with what happened, and understand God’s reasons for it all. I had a spectacular moment when, after years of hating my dad for what he did to me, someone uttered the words ‘he just didn’t know any better, and wouldn’t have done what he did if he had been more evolved’. That’s when it all fell away, in an instant. I stopped going there in anger. I realized that his horrible nature was his own cross to bear, and I was there to learn something too. Nothing was personal, yet all those years, I had taken it personally. We are all in these difficult places in order to receive gifts, and he made it possible for me to be a great mother and wife when I grew up. I learned a lot because I needed to. Once I let go, everything changed. Have a lovely day Diane!
Diane, to be on a painful place … isn’t the most pleasant place to be, but I think we need to visit those places too … to be able to take the next step forward. Memories are not always pleasant ones – but we seems to forget them at times and always remember the good ones, but they are there … underneath the surface ready to pop up when we are feeling lost.
Love you poem – your heart is so open when you write.
Viv!
You are so right! Lots of wisdom in your observation! Thank you! You always touch me when you take the time to read and comment! It means a LOT! 🙂
Hi D
long time , nice one . Have a look at my latest post.
http://shwetalfoundhappiness.wordpress.com/2013/08/23/it-aint-about-how-hard-you-hit-but-how-hard-you-can-take/
Loved the Stallone story. And the saying! Thanks for reading my ramblings.
The like is for support. Not for your predicament. Can you distance yourself or is it part of your healing to be this close? If so, you are very strong. For me, I RUN, RUN, RUN!!! I was only saved from my tormentor because he moved back to the US from London when I was 17 where he continues to wreak havoc I see. I think he tried to kill his ex wife!!! The internet tells all!
Wow! No… what I am dealing with is why I allowed it… how to deal with where I am now and how to end the story. It has me stumped and stuck. A word I use far too often! Thanks for LIKING! 😉
xoxo
Might you be too standing too close to the fire? Maybe you can sketch it out more, map it, zero in on whatever it is that’s stopping you from being cast in too many directions. Maybe, take a different direction, even if it doesn’t seem to work either…
I actually think I am standing too close to the fire! I was on such a roll when I was standing far enough away objectively speaking. Now I think I know too much… Hard to explain.. but ya got me thinking! Thank you! 😉
xoxo
🙂
Write for you and others like yourself will find their way to you precious. A place were they don’t feel so alone in their loneliness or pain. A place where pain can be converted to joy🌻
You are right I know. And I am so blessed to have heartstrings attached to souls as golden as yours! Thank you! I think heaven must be a bit like this… this kind of instant love I feel when our words bump into each other!
xoxo
xoxo
Diane, Our poems come from a place deep inside. Almost like a dream they can come peacefully, beautifully, sadly, painfully, or a soft loving whisper. They tell us something of who we are.
I understand your feelings as you work on writing your memoirs. Bringing up our past can be painful, but maybe that is part of the reason to do it, to cleans ourselves, remind us of the good in us (and in others). If we can just open our hearts and our spirits, asking God to show us ourselves and TRUTH throughout our lives it will help others.
Blessings to you Diane as you take this journey.
Thank you Ann,
Why do I want to call you Annie? 🙂 You just make me feel all comfortable when you comment! LOL.
I always appreciate your time and comments! I wish I could focus! I keep writing poems when I really should be tearing into my chapters and “writing”! I like your perspective! I need to move closer to God on this journey! You are right!
I am glad to see some people found this… I didn’t know if people were getting notified cuz I didn’t… Too weird. Thanks again!
xoxo
Wow! what a lovely compliment in your explanation as to why you wanted to call me Annie! Maybe that is why some other people started calling me that even though they know my name is Ann! At least I hope that is why 🙂
I have been working on transitioning my life to create better habits, and move closer to clearing away some leftover cobwebs of a not so great earlier life. Through all this I continue to be closer to God, to walk with Him through all aspects of life.
May someone each day make your heart smile.