I heard somewhere, someone talking about that feeling of just wanting the night to be over. In my life, I’ve had those nights, even those seasons, where I’m constantly waiting for that JOY in the morning. The joy that we are promised if we just believe. And sometimes, I wonder did I just miss it?  When I drive by a dead animal at the side of the road. It makes me sad. I wonder, is their family waiting for them, as we just drive over or around them? Do they know that their poor little body is just lying there, for all to see? No respect.  Living in the country, that, unfortunately, is a casualty that is not uncommon. And it always makes me cringe a little as I imagine how they must have been just running across the road, when BAMM, they probably didn’t even know what hit them. Hopefully they didn’t suffer! But it makes me reflect on just how fragile life is and how in the blink of an eye, it can all be carelessly over. Metaphorically speaking. And…  How our lives matter.  And yet, I try to imagine the life of that little creature, now, just a dead carcass and it seems so simple and yet horribly complicated.

Yes,  there are those happy times that take your breath away, where you just want to take a picture and slow everything down and capture that moment in a time capsule, to be able to bring it out and experience it all over again whenever you like. “Those Kennedy Moments.” That make life worth it. Even the pain.

I am not sure where this poem even came from or even how it relates. But I am tired of always having to be fine when someone asks me HOW I AM? The right answer is “Fine.”  No one wants to know if you really aren’t fine. They look uncomfortable if you start to tell them otherwise. Well, maybe I’m not fine.

All I know is, that I am constantly fighting that feeling a baby feels as she tries to catch her breath after a long cry. That catch in her sigh that catches as if she is remembering and forgetting all in the same second what made her so sad. As adults, we learn to filter and guard and hide our pain. But sometimes, I feel as if my breath is catching and I am feeling it all in that one second.

And then I hear a song or hear a message with God in it. And I realize that it is all about the moments. The ones with Joy and the ones where I guess I miss the Joy. The ones that really suck. When life hits me upside the head and I am so overwhelmed with the pain of it all. When those I trusted betray me, when I am unsure of everything and the breaths I breathe shudder with pain? What happens when I am just not fine?

candle flame

In the subtle whisper of a cry                   

In the flicker of a candle’s light                

Within a well-rehearsed goodbye                       

Waiting for the ending of the night        

mirror renass

 

Like a mirror that’s been uncovered

Like eyes closed that now can see 

Like a flame that once was smothered

Like a light just my heart can see.

Hands in heaven

 

 No longer do I bend in fury

No longer do I shake with fear

No longer do I rush and scurry

Just because, you might be near

triumphant

I’ve  found strength in recognizing

That you are more frightened than I am

I am saved in the breaking and refining

 SAVED now, just exactly how I am.

By

Diane Reed

2014©

 

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39 thoughts on “JUST not fine

  1. It’s OK to say you’re not fine Di. In that acknowledgment you find the things that soothe and protect you, as Peter (Grandfathersky) says…sending hugs to you my lovely. Xx ❤

    1. Bill,
      I read your comment at work yesterday and you will never know how much it meant at that exact moment that I read it! Though I feel so stupid… feeling sorry for myself as “you” encourage “me”! It should be the other way around. But you know what? That is how great God is! He uses YOU as His missionary in such a powerful way that I feel your strength in ways that really matter! ya know? God IS so good!
      Thank you for being my friend!

  2. I’m not sure of the exact words to this quote: “The waters of everlasting life are all around us, but we do not see.” There are moments, as you say, that we see.
    I figure to try to maximize, encourage, nourish those moments. Certainly your writing nourishes them – for others too.

  3. Hi Di, Hope you’re feeling better. Melancholy really stinks because sometimes the feeling comes from things that you can’t control. Aside from that, I feel that if someone asks me how I am, they deserve to hear the truth. If I’m ok I will say “fine, or ok” If not…, well, they asked and I’ll tell them straight out – I’m not doing so well right now. It’s none of anyone’s business why, but when someone asks a question, they better be prepared for an honest answer. Be well, and be happy, darlin’ girl. You deserve it ! 🙂

  4. Hi Diane 😀 I’m sorry to read that you are having a rough time with your son as I am with my daughters. So I understand. At least you have a lovely daughter and a few blogging friends in these comments to give you the lift you need at 3am. I am one of them I hope. Lots of hugs at 3am. Ralph xox ❤

  5. Lovely post. When asking someone how they are, almost everyone answers ‘fine’ and we never actually know who is having a really rough time and having to put on a brave face.

  6. I am reading this at 3:30 a.m. and trying to go back to sleep. Prayer and comfort from blog post like these are soothing. ” . . Joy in the morning, a new day dawns.”
    Thank you!

    1. Marian,
      You guys blow me away. I am so happy you feel that way about this one. THANK YOU.
      I kind of felt that it was rambling and choppy, but guess God doesn’t want us to waste any of our moments. He can even use the “NOT fine” ones to encourage. As your comment just did for me. Thank you♡♡
      Praying for finer moments this week – Forrester ALL of us! 🙂

  7. I know I am commenting again, but I am so thankful for writers like you who have both the courage to be transparent, and the ‘GIFT’ of expressing those feelings in experiences in a way that brings hope and a much needed sense of worth. You help people like me feel (and realise) like we (each and every one of us) are beautiful and loved in the sight of the Lord and of so much value to Him.

  8. “SAVED now, just exactly how I am”. Oh, that really touched me. What a powerful poem! And the entire post. I feel like a surgeon just opend up my chest and saw all of those words written on the surface of my heart. You sais it all so well.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Theresa

  9. Beautiful words Di, though melancholy. Lift yourself up above in gratitude when you are feeling those energies and be thankful for all that you are and have. Just a reminder that you are special. ❤

  10. You are obviously very empathic, and need to be aware of the way the energies around you affect your heart, your head, and ultimately your health. There are many ways to heal these over exposures. Writing is one way to let them out , but there are also ways to guard letting them in. Sending blessings for your journey along The Way…

  11. I’m sorry that you’re in that place that melancholy lives… and where you want to say to those who ask how you are… the truth… that right now you’re not fine! But as you say, many who ask don’t know what to say, and don’t really want anything more than a perfunctory… ‘fine thanks’…. I hope the veil starts to lift and you feel better.. at least some better ..soon.
    As an aside I too am touched each and every time I see an animal at the side of the road, lying there … it truly bothers me… Diane

    1. Writerwannabe…
      I wish you were the one asking me! I know you’d care! Thank you for taking the time to read! I am in a weird place at work and though I am sooo excited to be going to visit my daughter to go wedding dress shopping, I am sad that my son and I are at a kind of stand off. I finally had to say some tough things that needed to be said and we are not in a good place and I don’t think we will be in a good place for quite a while. I have a sweet grandbaby that he is holding over my head and it makes me very sad. Just a lot of happy and sad stuff all jumbled up together. Ya know!
      Seee now wouldn’t have :”I’m just fine, thank you.” Been better?
      LOL.
      xoxo

      1. Actually, I relate so well. It’s just over a year now and our daughter has only been communicating with us after the good part of a year of estrangement… for the past 5-6 months. It has been a horrible time as family is so important to us as to you…. She had written off one of her brothers at one point entirely… but I believe strictly due to prayer from many.. including fellow bloggers.. she actually has reconciled with him… and us. It isn’t quite a comfortable relationship yet but it’s there.. and hopefully will get better… so be encouraged that it can for you too… I’ll say a special prayer for you in the days ahead…. take care Diane

        1. Thank you. My kids are so different. My daughter is so easy to be around. So easy to love. My son is hard to explain. I love him as a mother loves her first born child but he has slways given me a run for my money and I suspect we both don’t like each other that much. I would move the moon to make him happy but that wouldn’t be enough. My daughter on the other hand never expects anything and is so grateful for everything!

          1. It’s strange how two or three in my case raised the same way, with the same love ..for their individual personalities can grow up with totally different views on their parents.. particularly again in my case..me… My two sons have tried to reassure me that I have nothing to apologize for… I’m thinking of the fact that I suffered on and off my whole adult life intermittently with depression…. and that’s what bothered my daughter.. But they say that I did nothing different with her than them… and they try so hard to help me to believe it… ahhhh! Diane

            1. Diane,
              I loved your post. It was spot on! Thanks for sharing! I kind of-rambled on and shared there since it is a year old and won’t be a possibility of being seen. Which by the way is unfortunate because it IS so good. I am heading to my 300th- post and even though I have a wealth of readers NOW. I wonder why we never go back to read the older posts of the blogs we read regularly? For example, the link you just shared. I’m glad I didn’t miss it! Wish we could figure out a way to encourage our readers to go through our archives too! I love finding a blog that has lots of old doors I can wander around in! 🙂
              Thanks again Diane for sharing. ♡♡

              1. Funny you talking about reading old posts.. I even lately went back and read some I wrote way back… interesting sometimes to do so. And if I am trying to determine whether or not to follow someone I will often go and read two or three of their old posts… Diane

                1. Diane,
                  I think it’s fun to go back and see where we were and hopefull that wwe’ve grown. Like finding old journals!
                  Well I’m off for a few days! Thanks for the email. I feel as if God gifted me with a new friend♡

    1. Natalie,
      You always affirm me. And I love you for it. It sucks to be here right now. So I am not happy that you relate to any of this but I am glad that whatever I said made you feel better because that is the best part of US!!!! We get to connect and understand and knowing someone as wise and strong as you feels a little like I do, makes me stronger somehow!
      I am blessed because you are the joy in my morning right this second!

      1. Aw, this brought tears to my eyes, Diane! You are every bit as wise and strong as I am, my friend. Everybody experiences the fret and fever of life at times and has trials of their own, but we are specifically hardwired to handle what comes at us. This last year has been a very hard one for me, maybe in different ways than yours is, but nevertheless very hard, and I am feeling less and less able to cope. I have shed bucketfuls of tears and pleaded with the Lord to help me understand why I’m in so much pain. So it was reassuring to read your post tonight to know that I am not alone in my suffering, and intellectually I knew that. But it’s nice to hear it from a person you respect and admire and you are right that is the best part of US!!! I too am blessed because you are the joy in my evening! Thank you so much for your kind and loving comment. I pray that both of us make it through this “dark night” of the soul. Love and hugs, N 🙂 ❤

        1. I have goose bumps right now cuzzzz I feel that tonight we have officially become prayer partners and you can count on me bombarding heaven for YOU! Sooo you see there is JOY in the morning and even before it too! 😉
          xoxo

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