There must be something about the date; December 4th. It is a day of new beginnings for me. Twenty-one years ago today, my life began again the day that I married for a second time. I’d left a fourteen year marriage a few years earlier, devastated. When I stood up there with my childhood Pastor and my brand new beautiful husband, I’d had high hopes. And when I repeated those vows about… for better or worse and in sickness and in health, well… I reeeeally meant them! I think in a way, the last part of that little girl in me who believed in magic died on the day I walked out the door with my two young kids in tow.

Even though I wanted to believe, and said I did when I took those vows for the second time, I think I kind of felt like a fraud. I know that I didn’t believe that I was married with the same kind of childlike faith I’d had that first time around. The walls were tall and my heart was broken. And I came with a ready-made family. I really am not sure what my poor husband was even thinking! Or… what he saw in me. Even after almost two years of getting to really know us as a package deal before we got married, he said “I DO” and so did I. That day, though skeptical of the whole “Forever” thing. I had more hope, than I’d had in a long time.

Since then, we’ve had quite a journey. Together, we’ve been successful and way UP on top and then slammed to the bottom financially. We’ve dealt with deaths and births, illnesses and healings and some pretty catastrophic, life shaking times but we’ve stayed strong. Mostly because my husband is a man of faith and not loving me as he says is… “NOT an option.” And though sometimes in the fit of a fight, that is rather annoying. In the end… it is all I ever wanted. Someone who loves me unconditionally, flaws, walls and all.

It is all rather ironic because today is pretty metaphoric for me. As I close an old door on an old job that consumed a full decade of my life, I open a new door to a new job on the very same day in which I opened a new door to a new life twenty-one years ago. And though I know that I already wrote my “Anniversary” post. I woke up early today and couldn’t go back to sleep and so I got up and discovered a blog full of sweet congrats and well wishes from my consistently wonderful and supportive readers! (Thank you!) And I also remembered that this is the first day of my new job. Something that I haven’t said for over a decade! And I must say that I kind of feel like a kid on her first day of school!

For the first time in a long time, I have hope again. I remember when I was a little girl, maybe first grade, it was my first day of school. My friends and I walked to school in our brand new black velvet saddle shoes. (The kind that you had to brush off if someone stepped on them.) Funny, how I have to go sooo far back in my memory to feel that new feeling of hope again, but I’ve begun to understand that sometimes, you have to go as far back as you need to, in order to find the pieces of yourself that you left along the way, so that you can scale the walls and  truly begin to find a way to believe again, just like that young girl once did all those years ago, as she walked to school in her black velvet saddle shoes.

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40 thoughts on “Black Velvet Saddle Shoes

  1. I am loving every post I read, including this one. I can relate to it a lot. I am still married (10 years this year) but have fought like cat and dog so much over the years that I have lost a lot of confidence in love, romance and marriage. My hubby says that during the difficult times he loves me because he vowed to, but how I do long for consistent, dependable love that doesn’t depend on good moods and tries a lot harder to listen to my needs and be romantic.

    1. Merryn,
      I just found your post! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I love that your enjoying my words! It is like unwrapping a gift when I hear what I write, matters to someone!
      I understand and I really GET your heart! I think that over the years, I have just learned to adjust to a lot of things. I have driven myself crazy for too long, having these images in my head of expectations. Half of my earlier posts were all about that very subject!
      Not being satisfied with what is in the present, and always going back to my own ideas of romance and happiness. I am just learning to accept who people are. My husband, my friends, my parents, and children and co-workers, etc… AND drum roll please… MYSELF!
      It has set me free!
      Thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading your blog as well!
      xoxo

      1. Lovely to read your reply. So great connecting with people through writing. Not only does it motivate me to write more, but I learn so much from other people’s journeys and I am inspired.

  2. This is beautiful, Diane, and I’m happy to hear how life is now good for you. Funny, how we keep taking this trip around the sun every year and, while some things look the same, there are many more new dreams to realize.

    Looks like that’s what’s happening for you this New Year. I’m so glad for you — God bless and may you have many more joys coming your way. 🙂

  3. Oh man that such a good post Diane, it hit home with me B/C when I first came to the Lord in 94, He told me to go back in order to go ahead. I tried, and found there was no back for me to go to, it was all black, and blank.

    Well now many years, and much loss and suffering later I’m finding that “Back” I need to go to only to my horror, shame and ‘more pain.’ There is so so much I didn’t know, and so much I don’t yet know or understand that i’m heart sick!

    How can a person have such a shattered life, and still survive?

    Your pretty awesome Lady Di, God bless you and thank you!

    Hubert

    1. Hubert,
      I always love your responses! They send me over the moon! You are such a wonderful encourager!
      Yeah, I guess, that is my platform. I tend to write a lot about going back and getting the parts of us we left behind. I think that is kind of the key. Besides God as our healer, we need to use the tools He has given us and really go back and find our younger versions. I have a lot of Finding Diane moments in my blog… lol… You guys have sweetly all indulged me as I try to become a grown up!
      Your story is your testimony!
      😉
      xoxo

        1. I know too funny. I thought I’d dedicate a little time to my blog today since it is my first official day off since I started my new job. And love it by the way! And what perfect timing to find your note as I wrote mine.
          And there ya go again… sending me over the moon!!!
          Thank you! You know the perfect thing to say to me!
          xoxo

  4. Finding the pieces along the way that were lost – great post Diane thank you and all good luck as you go forward … may the stumbling blocks be few and if they do arise may those black velvet saddle shoes be sturdy in finding your balance …

  5. I’ve changed jobs half a dozen times in my working career. One of the exciting things on day one is that you get a chance to make a lot of “first impressions” all over again. You are wiser now so you’re more guarded about telling the new crew too much. The biggest mistake you can make is to compare the new job with the old constantly with your new employers. Let them form opinions about you based on the fresh new you, not the way it used to be. Good luck!

  6. I am so happy for you! I hope this new job will hold many new touching and joyful experiences for you, and that you might also write about them.

    I understand about needing to go back. One of the ways I go back is through music. I love to play old songs that I listened to in junior high school and high school.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Theresa

  7. We wore white buckskin shoes for Easter back then. If you are thinking this way then life has turned a corner for you. You a reconnecting to real life, real purpose. Many blessing in your new world!

  8. Takes a lot of courage to reach back that deep to gather the blocks you need for a good foundation. I think you found enough of them, Di. Now build the house (home). Big Hug !!! 🙂

  9. Oh, I had my hand on my heart from “that little girl who believed in magic died on the day I walked out” all the way through to the end. And from where I’m standing (or lying in bed – it’s early here), it seems pretty clear what your “poor husband” saw in you: the most beautiful soul. I hope you love your new job, Di, and share the experience with us soon. It’s such a privilege keeping up with your life and thoughts. Thank you xx

    1. Wow. Your words are like little silver boxes delivered to my door at the perfect time. Thank you my friend!
      But… The privilege is mine. I’m honored that you’ve chosen to take your time and read my ramblings💖

  10. What a beautiful awakening 🙂 The start of a new day, a new job, acknowledging a wonderful husband who loves you unconditionally (what is that like deep down?), and a happy memory from childhood.
    Love and blessings

  11. I am new to your blog but I wish you every success in your new job and your wonderful marriage just gets better . You sound like a nice lady .
    Cherryx

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