We have a local site with someone who anonymously keeps us updated on all of the local emergency occurrences  happening in our area via his Facebook page, which I followed since I drive over 50 miles a day, to and from work, and his traffic information seems to be the most up to date. Sadly his recent reports have been on a few local accidents that have occurred on our local train tracks. Even sadder, they seem to not be accidents but suicides.

computer screen frustration

I try not to get sucked into the comment threads, because at times they are so frustrating and can make you look pathetic, wasting even one minute arguing with a stranger, though as a writer that some might describe as opinionated, I can never keep my mouth shut when it comes to the above subject.

When I was a young girl my boyfriend’s mom killed herself. She’d attempted it a few times before that, but succeeded when we were dating. It was one of the most horrific of experiences I’ve ever lived through. And I have never really been able to describe the pain she left behind.

tears

I sincerely believe that if she’d received the right kind of help she would still be here. She was vivacious and funny, smart and beautiful and one of the most generous people I’ve ever met. Everyone loved her. She was a mother, a wife, my boss, and one of my best friends. It happened around this time of year many decades ago, and it still affects me as if it were yesterday. Statistics say that this is a high suicide time of year. And our census was usually up during the holidays at the hospital where I worked many years ago.

I believe that her pain was real. I believe that she was chemically imbalanced and that her issues were organic. And I believe that she could have been helped. I also believe that I was far too young and inexperienced as was my boyfriend to be held responsible for not knowing how to help her. And yet I think that because we couldn’t, it affected us both in ways that we still are dealing with in our own separate lives today. So yeah, I do believe that when someone kills themselves it is no just about them. Having said that, I believe that this woman that I loved, that might have been my children’s grandmother, missed a whole half of her life, I know that she missed weddings, celebrations, births and probably deaths and sadness too. But her life was far from over.

Today I was very disturbed by the comments that a few particular people made defending suicide saying that some people just don’t want help and not condoning it, but making it almost okay and defending the act. It is not okay. The next comment was…. “It’s not about you.” You wanna bet? It’s about everyone involved. And it is something that lives with you forever after. Always asking what could we have done? Even over thirty years later.

My childhood best friend just died of cancer last year. She fought to save her life for twenty years. She did everything she could to fight. She finally didn’t have a choice. I understand that depression is a disease. I understand because I have it. But don’t tell me that it is okay not to fight for life! You do have a choice.

The way that conversation was going could make somebody feel that it was okay not to fight, that if your pain is so great, go ahead and jump in front of a train and maybe kill some people in your wake, don’t think about the people who will have to clean the blood off of the tracks or the conductor who couldn’t stop in time. Suicide is one of the most selfish acts anyone can do. And they may be fighting words for some, but I will never change my opinion. No matter how you do it, Somebody has to find you. And most likely it will be someone who loves you.

I was then told that I must not know  about mental illness. Hmmm, I guess working in an adolescent unit of a private Psych Ward in LA for almost six years does not count? I counseled a lot of kids and adults who were in excruciating pain and I must say that one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever experienced was running into them later in life and being introduced to their families. A husband, they never would have met, and kids they never would have had, and living a life they chose to fight for. Meeting people they never would have met, experiencing celebrations and love and new babies, all that they never would have known if they’d stayed stuck in their hole. Telling me how grateful that they were that we didn’t give up on them!

And so Yeah, I still believe that… Suicide is not the answer and I won’t be a part of ever saying that sometimes the pain may be too great. Perhaps it is for that day, maybe even for several days. But it will get better. I am proof. I have been pretty wasted in the toxic wave of my own depression. To the point of not wanting to go on. But I believed in something greater than my own pain.

Don’t give up today because the sun really will come out again and though you will still have your happy and sad days, you won’t miss the happy ones when you finally decide that…  Tomorrow IS always the ANSWER!

kiss on stoop

 

The future is exciting. Always believe that something wonderful is going to happen.

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30 thoughts on “Tomorrow IS the Answer!

  1. Good for you, Di. Glad you have it in you to climb up on that soapbox and have an opinion…, and share it. I do it a bit now and then too. I don’t think enough people do though. Too many who are too self-absorbed, mute followers. If more of us were more vocal, maybe we wouldn’t be sending so many underqualified, greedy, self-centered people into government and things would start to change for the better. Ok, ok, !!! I’ll get off MY soapbox! 🙂 Hugs !

    1. No Paul I love it! A good opinion is always good 🙂 (Hey I just made that up! LOL.)
      Anyway, thank you! Always one of my favorite Commenters and special friends! I really have been working on having my own opinion. Well, I have em, I just don’t always jump on the band wagon. My dad was saying the other day that he just saw a book about “How not to argue with an Idiot” after I’d shared my experience on that forum (our local on line news page that caused me to write this!) I love your description… self absorbed mute followers. <<<< So great! LOL. So I told my dad about how once I was sharing about my comments on a thread where everyone was bashing God. (You know we are the wrong ones etc… It's always the believers that seem to be the minority on those places) My daughter looked at me with this worried expression and said: "Oh mama, do you think those people really care what you think?" Do you really think that you are going to change their opinion?" My dad roared laughing (already thinking she is pretty great) And said "Out of the mouths of babes." Funny but my babe is in her late twenties. LOL. But she is right. Most of those forums are people who don't have a lot to do and like to argue for the sake of arguing… or people like me who have too much to do and should be getting ready for something else that get sucked in!! But I guess sometimes I have thought if something I could have said might make someone think for one second, it is worth it. For really everyone behind a keyboard is a real person with a soul. Ya know? Anywaaay, love your thoughts always!
      xo

  2. I truly belive that many suicides can be avoided if only someone could just say the right word that could trigger hope . I too suffer with depression but have never had suicide tendises thank god . Maybe people who do succeed in killing themselves fear the uncertainty of death and choose to when to end theirs . It’s a complex subject Diane and a sad one . Even though a difficult subject I so love to see your post😘
    Cherryx

    1. Cherry,
      A few years ago, I went to marriage counseling and that was the verdict. At first I got upset because I worked in a Psych Unit and I guess I viewed depression as the kind that hospitalized you. I even witnessed ECT on an elderly patient which actually was incredible to watch. Not just the procedure but the outcome! It was like night and day. But I felt that my moods were due to circumstances. Some pretty valid reasons for me to be a little depressed. But as I’ve grown and learned and really watched my own life’s experiences. I am okay to now admit that I might have a tad touch of depression. LOL. But this is really the first time that I’ve ever publicly admitted that I actually have it. So thank you for sharing! Mental issues are always touchy. But I believe what I believe and this one is a biggy in my life’s experience.

  3. ” It’s about everyone involved. And it is something that lives with you forever after” – Yet when we get rejected or cast out by society, we’re told the it’s not about us. So, what do we owe you exactly?

    “I understand because I have it. But don’t tell me that it is okay not to fight for life! You do have a choice.” – So wait, do I have a choice or I don’t? It sounds I like must live.

    Take it from a member of the suicide community who’s not afraid to speak. Suicide is the answer for us because we desire death and non-existence.

    We were forced to exist without the ability to consent and found life rigged against us. So why shouldn’t we exit?

    The whole suicide prevention thing is dangerous. It’s actually an important reason why I want to exit. I don’t want to live in a society that’s rigged against me and doesn’t respect my right to die. Imagine if nobody respected your right to live or your ownership over your own body.

    We don’t want you tell us how much it will hurt you (Unless you’re willing to make a huge sacrifice). We don’t want to be the mission you accomplish so you could feel like a hero. We want our rights respected like everyone else. We didn’t ask to live and life isn’t for us. Why so hostile, then?

    1. Dear BIAJ
      First of all, I don’t mean to come across as hostile. And I do understand that there are some instances, when death is the only answer. We had a good friend who fought for his life for a long time due to Lou Gherig’s Disease. He ended up having his breathing tube removed. I didn’t view that as suicide, just taking away life support but in the end, it had the same result. And put an end to his physical suffering. Not saying that there are not other instances that aren’t just as debilitating mentally. And know that mentally and physically sometimes do come head to head.

      I know that there have been times in my life when I felt the same way. I GET that no one’s life is the same as mine. Circumstances etc. My pain tolerance is not the same as yours. And maybe my loved ones are different than yours. But I know stories, circumstances and other situations can change. Even the worst hell can be a story to help someone else. I have seen 180 turn-around-s over and over again. I have been a 180 turn-around. I have been in my own hell several times. I was in an abusive relationship when I was in my late teens and early twenties I lost my dad in my mid twenties to a massive heart attack and my first husband got us into a thirty thousand dollar gambling debt a month later, I went through a heart breaking divorce, (not because of the gambling) I’ve been through devastating financial problems, losing almost everything in an earthquake, I’ve been through a situation at my old job that I dreaded going to for the last five years, that I was there. I’ve lost babies through miscarriage and a few years ago, I made a huge mistake in my life that I thought was going to cost me everything that I loved dearly. And all those times I have to admit that I may have let the thought enter my mind, if fleetingly. And some of those times, I let it linger there for more than a few minutes.

      BUT…
      For whatever it’s worth, I’ve had some pretty great moments as well. Moments I might have missed.
      I’ve fallen in love again, and had someone love me back more than a few times. I have made new friends I never would have made, had amazing babies I never would have had, lived through some of my happiest days, all while apparently having what I never wanted to admit, depression. Which is survivable! No one can judge anyone else’s hell. And I certainly am not trying to be a hero. At least not in this instance. But I do want to live to hopefully be someone’s hero a few more times before God calls me home. And if I’d given up in those darkest hours, I would have taken that chance away from myself.

      I am just sharing my heart and my experience on my own blog. Which no one is making you read. But everyone is welcome. Just not MADE TO COME HERE. I am not sure what you mean by being part of the Suicide Community. Wouldn’t that be people already gone? I don’t mean that sarcastically, I just feel that it is so final. And as long as you are still talking about it, that’s a good thing. You are still here.

      I do happen to have loved ones that I care about. In my case, my pain, though pretty deep at times, has never been enough to do what I know it would do to them to leave here any earlier than God wants me to, especially in that way! Even if someone doesn’t have loved ones that they care enough to avoid causing them pain NOW, there is always that slight chance that tomorrow they will meet someone that changes that, someone they wouldn’t meet if they left this world today. And that is just my lil ole opinion for whatever it’s worth.

      1. Well, I’ll have to issue an apology for my tone which probably seemed pretty hostile. This is a touchy subject, after all.

        There’s a whole network of suicide forums on the internet whose role is to be supportive. They don’t tell you whether to kill yourself or not. They won’t try to change your mind. The most common saying is “Good luck in whatever you do”. I don’t think you will find a more supportive and honest site than these message boards.

        The general desire of people in these communities is to have assisted suicide/euthanasia/painless method available to them. Not all of them are suicidal right now. They simply want a method that will be easy to use and not so hard psychologically.

        So long as we will perceive suicide as always negative, we won’t be able to build trust with people.

        Not all suicidal people are ‘tortured’ by their thoughts. The decision to end life is mostly just another conclusion they reached, for what reason that suits them.

        If we perceive suicide as negative and only aim to prevent it, the message we’re sending is this: You’re wrong, no matter what you think. We’ll just keep trying to convince you.

        This isn’t dialogue because you (read: Not you personally but the person wanting to support) already reached the conclusion that suicide is negative. If you’re not accepting of the option of suicide, what is there to talk about?

        That’s the ‘hostility’.

        Of course, I don’t think suicide should be administrated so quickly. A lot of people regret attempting. A lot people don’t want their life but want something better. We need to help them understand what they want.

        This is what I see in those message boards. People talk to each other, asking questions to gain a better understanding. Whether one’s life is worth living is only theirs to decide. We just need to help understand what they want.

        1. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I was not aware of the message boards about suicide. My original reason I was intrigued to write about the subject was another forum where a local young man and a couple others have used our local train tracks of a way to end their lives. As I shared, I have literally had to clean the stain off of the carpet where my bf’s mother died. There was no one else to do it. He and his sister were too devastated. I had to grow up really fast through out that whole relationship. Anyway, it happened this week. Maybe it is just the time of year that hits people. The highs and the lows. And I said my piece. Peace? Whatever lol. And I was met with saying I didn’t know anything about mental illness and it wasn’t all about me. Hmmm… well I never said it was honey. So you were right my tone may have been edgier here. I have also had some people very close to me that have died. I guess as you get older (and I pray your do! 😉 ) You will find more and more that we lose people along the way. Some people that didn’t want to go. I’ve lost 3 in the last couple of years. A woman that was another mom, my best childhood friend, my friend with ALS, my Uncle who was very young and had Parkinsons and tonight I am going to dinner at my friend’s house fighting for her life, on Chemo. Everyone doesn’t have a choice. And to me suicide is an offensive option. Soooo… Our opinions may be strong and we may not agree. But I love that we have at least started a respectful conversation. And I thank you again for taking the time to write back. I am loving Robert Lovelle Rook’s views as well! And everyone is so talented. You guys are great writers!

  4. Very good post Diane. I have experienced really bad times in my life and sometimes (long long ago) had moments when I thought it would be better to be dead. But know it is not. I would have missed out on so many good things and wonderful people in my life. I am grateful to be here.
    And I have know people who have committed suicide, and even when they were not family or close friends, it was a horrible pain deep down inside for the loss of them…and still hurts years later.
    My heart hurts for those who thought they just couldn’t take it any more and took away all they could have been.

  5. You are absolutely correct! Suicide is hard on everyone around that person. Being depressed is one main reason not to commit suicide. Why should anyone be encouraged or allowed to make a “life altering” decision when they are depressed? Is it a good idea to marry someone when you are depressed? Absolutely not. Then suicide should be prevented especially if one is depressed. Sorry for the pain you still experience.

    1. The conversation today was very disturbing. Talking about not understanding and judging. Well I guess I don’t undersand and I guess I am judging. Once the choice is made, that’s it. How could that be a good thing? I even looked up the commenter who is studying to be a nurse. Wow. Hopefully not in the Psych department. We need to be giving out hope. Not understanding why there isn’t any! Right?
      Thanks for reading!
      Your blog is still black to me? Maybe if you changed the font to white since there is a black background? Maybe you can see it, but we can’t. At least I can’t.
      Just don’t want you to miss out on views and I want to be able to see ya!
      😉

      1. I was a nurse and saw a somewhat callous attitude among a few ED nurses for those who repeatedly attempted suicide. I think they are the ones who need the most help! (They being the patients, of course the nurses didn’t sound right either!! I checked and can see it on my phone and my laptop. Do you see a blue line at the top? Or does it stay black after a few seconds? I will look into a different theme. Thank you my friend!

        1. I know what you mean. One time we had the husband of the owner of my son’s day care school admitted to our floor with the onset of what we now know as alzheimer’s and at nurses rounds they were laughing because he peed in the corner of the cafeteria. I was so mad I stormed out of Report and most of them came up to me after trying to explain that it wasn’t because they thought it was funny but because they didn’t know what to do with their emotions. I’d rather have honesty than nonchalant callousness! Especially going IN to the profession!
          YES I see the blue line and then it is black. Did you change the theme recently?

    1. Q
      Sooo glad that you lived the next minute that brought you here today!!!! We needed you! I’ve been in some pretty dark holes myself and have even said that I hated my life out loud but could never choose no hope ever again! So glad you are here!

    1. Cindy,
      Thanks for reading! I think it is just the time of the year that made that conversation even more annoying. I am so tired of people trying to be politically correct! I just think what if someone is reading those comments and feeling that their pain is too great and that “sometimes there is no hope?” When there always is!

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