sad girl staring out window

It has taken me almost a half a century to understand that one of the greatest measuring sticks we have in our life is death. As I have lost friends and family members, recently  I have learned that our legacy is more important than the “things” we gather, here on this earth, because they are all left behind to be given away by someone else anyway. It is more about the things we give away while we are here that really matter most.

And it is not only about material things, even more so, it is about our self and our time. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am selfish in giving away pieces of me. I give freely to the people I know love me. But even at times, I’d rather be alone. And if someone is difficult, even if I love them, I have learned to avoid rejection or dysfunction at all costs.

I spend time with a handful of people I choose to, that matter most to me, and don’t really go out of my way to make new friends. My husband is constantly wanting me to reach out to friends at church and I have always dug my heels in, except for a select few. I remember when we moved away from the place I literally grew up, away from all of my friends, to a brand new place and he’d said, “you’ll make new friends.” I told him, I have all the friends I need. Well, that would have been very sad if that was true, because some of those friends now, are the ones in that handful of friends I mentioned earlier, that I have grown to love and choose to hang out with most.

I do know that I tend to want to come home from work which is a “people” job, and retreat into my own little shell away from everyone, not answer too many questions, or have too many plans and just unwind. I know that I disappoint my very socially inclined husband, and I feel bad and then that makes me mad because I feel guilty and that is up there among the top four feelings I hate to feel… Frightened, Sad, Angry & Guilty!

Depression is something I have never bought into. I mean, I know it exists organically. I worked in a Psych Unit for almost six years. It is a very real condition. And there is treatment for that kind of Depression. I’ve witnessed the successes of those treatments. But what I am talking about is admitting that I have it or not. Which I was told that I do by our counselor. And have fought that diagnosis ever since. In fact I got mad and stopped going to counseling. Thinking of course you are going to have to label me. I’m not depressed! I’m mad and angry and exhausted!

I mean, crap happens and you are sad, or scared or angry because of it, right? It’s a circumstantial thing. Depression doesn’t happen to people like me. I go to work every day, I don’t sleep my life away. I laugh and joke and live! You work through the crap and it goes away. Right? Maybe not. Maybe you work through it, but the layers of fear from all the things that have happened in life pile up and you don’t know how to deal. For the first time since then, I have wondered. Maybe she was right?

Fighting a war inside your head is exhausting. Being expected to even know how to begin to talk about it, takes your breath away. Even people like me, who talk for a living. It is like caring too much about everything but being perceived as if you care about nothing. Always looking back, wanting to fix where you were, being afraid to believe in tomorrow. Sometimes faking a smile and saying you are fine, is so much easier than trying to describe your pain. I mean, don’t think that I can explain how I feel when I don’t even understand myself. Always wanting someone to just say “It’s going to all be okay” and  for me to really believe it. And wondering if you will ever feel like it’s really okay.

A lot has happened to a lot of people, horrific things that I can’t even imagine and they have turned around and made their journey into lessons for others. I know that some of my experiences can be an opportunity for a better testimony, that if I can get through it, others can too.

I guess that I’m beginning to realize that finding the courage to understand is our reward.  That it’s okay to cry for the ones that we miss, but so important to embrace the ones that are still here. That fighting for life is making us stronger and that stronger is a very good thing. And that I need to learn how to really and truly, genuinely love the person I have fought for all along… and that, that person is me.
To love God first, and then ourselves is one of the  hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn. For I can’t love anyone else until I understand who is loving you.

She builds people up because she knows what it’s like to be torn down.

praying woman's hands

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has known what God has prepared for those who love Him.                                                                                             1 Corinthians 2:9

14 thoughts on “It’s A Circumstanial Thing. Right?

    1. Thanks for reading Liz! I finally have a day off where I am taking a day off! Well, I cleaned out the fridge and did the laundry etc. but you know what I mean. I get to sit here and do whatever the heck I want and am finally getting to my writing!

  1. I am so glad that you wrote this. I am sorry for all you have had to endure. I am having my own personal struggles, and his post was like medicine for me.

    Hugs and Blessings,

    1. Theresa,
      I am sorry about your struggles. I still pray for you every time I think of you. I truly believe that God’s got this for both of us. We may not understand His plan, but He does and that is all I need to know right now.
      I guess I wrote this because in my previous post I kind of admitted something about depression and me. It made me think.
      Thanks for always reading.

  2. Di, I was just reading a blog about HSP (highly sensitive people). I didn’t know there was a term for it, but it helped me figure out why I am this way, and always intuned to the vibes of others. I’m sure you’re in this category of highly sensitive to all and everything around us.
    I don’t think it’s classified as depression when we spend many of our waking hours surrounded by people and just seek to crawl into our own little space at the end of the day. I know I’m like this too.
    We tend to think too much sometimes; especially with our hearts. xo ❤

    1. Deb,
      That is interesting! Always a label. LOL. But this intriques me to look it up. I think as we get older, the people who “know” us just accept who we are. HSP makes me want to share an example…
      Funny, I worked for my boss now, 10 years ago. Our entire relationship was so different. She still is a teacher to me, but more a friend now. And I think we just GET each other. Some things are still the same, but I know her and she knows me and it works. I’m not sure I would have been able to say that ten years ago. We worked together for five years, three of those years, I was mainly under her, slowly we moved in different directions and then she left first.For the next five years we’d run into each other in town or I’d call her, but a year ago, she hired me again and she is the same “teacher” but so much more. Those are the kind of friendships that I have. They aren’t automatic and though on the outside, I welcome you in to my heart, and I’m friendly enough. It takes a long time to grow an old friend. To let you into my life. And want to spend time with you. If that makes me depressed. Well, then I guess I am. I like HSP much better than being labled depressed!
      Thanks for being one of the ones I value in my life!

      1. I love your statement: “It takes a long time to grow an old friend.” And you know what they say, ‘we meet people for seasons and reasons.’ Some people are meant to stay, come back, or disappear from our lives, depending what are souls require. You’re a kind soul Diana, and I’ve read so many of your writings through these past years. There’s nothing wrong with you my friend, other than being overly compassionate and ultra receptive to feelings and vibes around you, like I am. Perhaps the only things wrong with us is that because of this gifted flaw we carry, we’re affected by it more. ❤

  3. “Crying is a sign of strength, as it helps us heal our pain”.
    “We all have issues through this journey of life, it is how we fix the issues that keeps us happy and strong”.
    ” death is a fact of life and a fact we all fear cause of the unknown factor”.

  4. I could relate with this so much, Like everything you said there touched me deeply, It’ s something I’ve been thinking a lot about. You put it all so beautifully, you gave words to my thoughts! Thank you ❤ 🙂

    1. LC
      What a nice compliment! I think that we all kind of feel feelings that are hard to explain. It’s always nice to know that we aren’t alone! And it is always nice to know that something I wrote helped someone else!
      THAT makes my day!

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