Today I woke up feeling that after an unusual night of bad dreams and having a hard time just sleeping that I’d open my blinds to gloom, the kind where the sky seems lower and the clouds hang heavy. Instead I found a crisp day with sun already settling in.

window opening

I have come to the conclusion that I talk myself into a lot of my bad moods. In fact a lot of my conversations with me have gone that way lately. And then there are those times when I want to have a conversation with someone not there anymore. Some of those times still take my breath away and cut like a knife, while others are like a prick, just a reminder of someone not any less important, but that time has dulled the pain of their leaving my life.

My husband once said to me that my great memory stories all are from the past of somebody else. And that has really bothered me. I want to shake myself sometimes and say: “MOVE ON GIRL! Get over it, look at what is in front of you and live in the moment and soak it in, because someday these will be the moments you remember longingly.”     I get it. He says he knows me better than I do. I’m smiling as I write this. If he knew me as well as I know me, he’d be long gone!

But seriously, I do truly want to embrace every moment. There are a thousand conversations I share with my husband. And I’d miss every one of them if he wasn’t there to have them with me. But sometimes he is kind of “judgy”  And they tend to go a little like this:  “And then I said.… and then he will say….“Oh no, why did you say that?”  Argh!!!! So let me get this straight. I am sharing a story where I am basically throwing myself under the bus, already knowing I messed up by sharing the dumb thing I am sharing that I said and so HOW does pointing THAT out help??! I mean I already feel bad enough if I am telling the story and I already said the stupid thing that I am feeling stupid about.

friends talking

Those are the times I need those friends who just listen. The ones that used to just empathize with me. No matter how stupid we both know what I did or said was. But then I think to myself… I’d reeeeally miss those conversations with my husband,  the one that has stayed even though he thinks he knows me better than I know me. I need to live in this moment and cherish them and him. No matter how annoying both can be sometimes. I know I’d miss them most of all if they were only a memory.

So today was one of those days. I woke up really wishing I could have a conversation with someone who is not in my life anymore. It wasn’t even about anything in particular that I wanted to talk about. I just needed that connection. And I think instead, I had the perfect conversation. With me.

quote about the last chapter

15 thoughts on “Conversations

  1. A really poignant post. It moved me so much. And I had this uncanny feeling like we had swapped stories that day. I too, have had longing to talk to people long gone from my life. Some are no longer alive but one or two were broken or faded friendships. My husband also challenged me just a few weeks back, on the theme of “moving on”. He said, “All this talk about healing the past – I’m not convinced. How about you try my way – it’s time to move on!”. Hard hitting words, but they did me the world of good and I was launched into the start of a better phase. Our husbands can be sooo sooo different to us yet very much hand-picked for our growth I think! 🙂

    1. Merryn,
      You always seem to GET what I am getting at! 🙂 So funny, I could totally hear my husband saying the exact same thing to me!

      I am so glad that you are in my life, if just cyberly. Though, I think that we would be such good friends if we got to actually sit down and chat regularly. I so wish I worked with you or you were in my day to day reality. But at least we have the next best thing and our paths have crossed through our blogs! I just want you to know that I really appreciate our connection and hope it lasts a lifetime!

      1. It is pretty cool to find someone on the same wavelength (who would have thought- ha ha-!) and similar thinking. You have a follower (and hopefully commenter if I can get more time to read!) that’s not going anywhere!

  2. In reality, Di, no one knows you better than you know you. Others only know what you permit them to see or hear and they base their feelings/ideas/judgements on that, which is only part of the whole. Personally, no one will ever know all of me. There are places I’ve been, people I’ve known/loved/hated/tolerated, things I’ve done, that I will never share with anyone, mostly because they just wouldn’t understand. You are about as whole a person as I know, lady, and you should never change. Another thing to remember, we are our past. That’s the road we’ve traveled and learned from. Who we will be depends on what we WILL do tomorrow and the next day/year/decade. The only thing we can really control is what we are doing right now – NOW !!! …………….Hugs ! 🙂

    1. ((((((Paul))))))
      I could JUST hug you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I agree with you. Especially the part of being places, experiencing things… and sharing as much as we permit! That is so on target to how I feel. Because you are right, no one would understand. I am beginning to allow myself to be more authentically me and trying to not apologize for it. I think the worst feeling that I hate to feel is guilt and the best is validation.
      I think everyday I feel guilt about something… could be just because I don’t act the way someone else wants me to or whatever. But I’m trying to not let it get to me. Today you gave me the best… and that is validation. I think we think a lot alike and that my friend is an honor to feel I GET what you are thinking! 😉

  3. You have to ask yourself – How much of who I am, what I think and believe, is genuinely, originally mine … In truth most all of this comes from outside, social, family, cultural training. It’s no wonder the world is as it is. Until the training changes then the horse will always take the bit and the bridle (sic?). I was reading an article today about asking kindergarteners about what branch of the military they would like to join … What does that have to do with public education? Hope you see my point. Until we look at our shadow self, we can never see our genuine being … Keep talking, we’re listening 🙂

  4. Ahh, I love this, Diane, and find myself feeling the same way, too — a lot of times. You know the feeling inside when you’ve had a really good conversation with someone. The kind where you feel like they really get what you’re saying. They don’t necessarily have to agree with you – just get where you’re coming from.

    I love those and used to have those types of conversations with my mother-in-law. We used to look forward to our talks when they would come to visit. We would wait until everyone had gone on to bed and sit up to the wee hours of the morning. The best part was that she loved it as much as I did. It was something special we had with each other and I miss them and her.

    I’m a talker and can talk all night long if someone is willing to hang in there with me. It’s not just me doing all the talking. It’s the type of conversations where your talking is engaging with one another and sharing your deepest thoughts, fears and dreams.

    If you ever feel like that and want to talk, Skype me sometime. It would be so much fun to hang out for a little bit. Hugs and take care. 🙂

    1. Pat,
      Your comment was so wonderful and I think you really GET it! The best gift of all! When you know that you know that someone knows! LOL!
      My friend Lucy reminds me of you mother in law. When I was little and I’d spend the night Lucy who was then “my friend’s mom” used to stay up late with all of us and talk late into the night. Later, I came to live with them for a summer after they moved about an hour away and just her and I would hang out. I think she knew she had her work cut out for her and she instilled me with a lot of her wisdom. Years later, I’d come and visit “her” Somehow she’d become MY friend. The last visit a few years ago was the best. With my daughter. I miss her so much.
      My first mother in law was also a kind of Ruth and Naomi kind of relationship. I would not “sit at her feet” but I admired her so much and loved our talks. My mother in law now, is someone that after over twenty years, I have finally begun to appreciate. What a waste of time… not seeing her value. She was a Psychologist and a wealth of wisdom, but for a long time I took it as controling. (Well, maybe a little lol. But truly she genuinely just wants the best for everyone she loves… so much better to look at it that way… she is one of the ones still here and that I need to appreciate more!)
      Yes! I’d love to chat!
      Thanks for always being you!

      1. Oh, Diane, I love those special relationships with certain people. There’s nothing like that feeling you have in that connection. I’m glad you’ve had those people in your life and still do.

        I guess that’s why I enjoyed doing the talking-stick workshops. There’s something magical that happens when people come together and talk, feel safe and open up. God is truly in their presence.

        Let’s plan on doing that and chatting. We can exchange Skype names via email and set up a time. Let me know. 🙂

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