women writing at desk

I wrote all day yesterday. Everyday last week was taken up with different things and so besides getting out there in the beautiful sunshine and mowing the lawn and catching up with my friends next door for a few minutes, and responding to a few work emails and then turning those off, I had a “me” day and made myself sit down and just write. I mean really take the time to relax enough to take notes and regroup and take more notes and focus on that little project I keep promising myself I’ll finish.

woman writing in the sun

It seems as if every day off I’ve had lately, has been consumed with other things that take priority. So yesterday I literally closed the door and spent 8 hours making myself work on my book. Last night my husband complained that I’d barely said four words to him all day. Well, that was an exaggeration. I could tell he wanted to talk about it during a show he doesn’t approve of me watching. And even though I had it recording and could have stopped to probably argue about me taking a day for me, I just didn’t. I probably should have stopped and talked. But I am still working on boundaries and at times my interpretation of them, can be a little selfish.

In the past, if I’d known anyone was remotely upset with me, I’d prickle like a porcupine and get defensive. Today, I think the difference is that I am growing up. Though that kind of sounds oxymoronish here as I still watched the show my “daddy” didn’t approve of. And no I’m not going to tell you what it was, cuz I’m not proud of the fact that I love reality shows! LOL.

The problem with having experienced abuse in the past, is always expecting abuse in the present. I have a friend who is a fellow blogger with a story much worse than mine and she always makes me think. Today my comment to her post made me think about the fact that survivors of abuse have one thing in common, distrust. We are always expecting a repeat of the same.

She got married last year. Found love and is still pinching herself over how happy she is. My comment to her was that I think the secret to her success is that she waited until she grew up. And that the problem with abuse is that we just begin to expect everyone to be the same as our first experience and to not realize that abuse is not the normal. We don’t learn how to argue like grown ups. We just learn to fight back and make everything a drama.

couple talking seriously 2

I am really trying to break that cycle. I tend to over-react to a normal disagreement and feel backed into a corner before I ever even look at the other side. I have just begun to grasp the fact that not everyone comes from that warped abuse perspective and I need to stop dropping that hat on the heads of people who don’t deserve it, while giving myself a break and embracing  my own choices.  Right or wrong. If I want to have a day off, and someone takes it personally, I need to just explain that I need a break, and nothing is wrong.  And to realize that not everything has to be a drama.  Hence; me growing up? Perhaps.

typed to be continued

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27 thoughts on “Growing Up

  1. I’m happy to hear that there are some of us that are growing up and that you realize it. I think it just takes living long enough and repeating the same, old process until we get tired and do something new. It all seems to happen in the little things and none of us can change it unless we’re ready to.

    It reminds me of a little poem I once heard (maybe I shared it with you already). by Portia Nelson (http://www.doorway-to-self-esteem.com/autobiography-in-five-short-chapters.html).

    Autobiography in Five Short Chapters — By Portia Nelson

    I

    I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    I fall in.
    I am lost … I am helpless.
    It isn’t my fault.
    It takes me forever to find a way out.

    II

    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I pretend I don’t see it.
    I fall in again.
    I can’t believe I am in the same place
    but, it isn’t my fault.
    It still takes a long time to get out.

    III

    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I see it is there.
    I still fall in … it’s a habit.
    my eyes are open
    I know where I am.
    It is my fault.
    I get out immediately.

    IV

    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I walk around it.

    V

    I walk down another street.

    1. Pat,
      That is so good! A friend shared that one with me a while ago on another post I’d done. Ya think I have a pattern here of needing to embrace the meaning of it?! LOL!
      I gotta love you guys! The ones I know really are reading every word!
      xoxo

      1. You’re not alone, Diane. We’re all traveling along on our roads and falling into holes (haha). We’ll figure it out. Love it. 🙂

  2. The best thing about your situation right now, Di, is that you know where you are right now, and you have, or can see a map of where you want to go, and how to get there.
    As for days off, try not to let other “things” or people control YOUR time. We all need time to unwind and just be us. Take it ! ………..Hugs!

  3. It’s so good and so necessary to take time for ourselves. It allows us to fill up again and enables us to give of ourselves more completely instead of living a 10% kind of week. Hope you had a good time writing- it feels so good to get thoughts on paper doesn’t it? My boys are off looking at Puffing Billy today while I have time alone. I’m so tired and grumpy (late night and also woken a number of times this week, sometimes multiple times a night, by E-man having nightmares or calling out).

    1. “It allows us to fill up again.” <<<<<EPIC!
      Love it!
      eeeeewwww pretty scary to be woken up like that!
      Praying For… Better nights coming your way.
      Ya gotta get your rest!
      xoxo

  4. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve a break to work on personal goals. You are worth it! Then when you re-surface, you can set aside time for the two of you.
    Womenlivinglifeafter50.com

    1. Re- Surface!!!! Love that! I so need to submerge for a good month to get this done! So excited my daughter took 100 pages of my book to edit! I am back on track!
      xoxo

  5. Fantastic post! So much if this applies to me. Since my husband left me in a whirlwind of betrayal and broken trust I have had both difficulty in trusting others and also become SO defensive of any criticism of me. Like you, I am trying to behave in a more ‘adult’ fashion. It takes time and loads of support and I am getting there.
    Thanks for writing this post as it affirms the fact that I am not usual or weird, just human. 🙂

    1. Elizabeth,
      Abuse comes in many form. Emotional, physical, and betrayal. Which I guess could fall under emotional. But I think we all have our broken hearts. I am so sorry for yours. We all have stories and it is always so good to try to remember that everyone has been hurt and we all handle it differently.
      I think after mine, (a very intense relationship before I was married) The 1st time around I married someone emotionally unavailable who had his own story, but very laid back. I guess I thought that the opposite of what I came from was better than so intense – who knows. Before my first husband died, he began to try more, not wanting to leave this old earth without people really knowing his heart. He was a good man with many demons but I loved him even after we divorced.
      My husband now, has put up a lot with my baggage. He is probably more normal than all my other choices. LOL. But he also has a couple suitcases that he has brought with him. My problem is maintaining my own boundaries without making a drama out of every time anyone pushes me out of the comfort zone I have built for myself.
      I am very social at work. My job is even coordinating so I am dealing with a lot of people and different personalities. Sometimes when I come home I just want to make the world go away. My husband on the other hand wants to go play in it! My biggest button is guilt. I hate it. If I am feeling that I am keeping my husband from something he wants to do, the guilt button is pushed. Sometimes not by him… but hey this is my blog so I can say he pushes it too! A lot. And a lot of the time when he pushes me to do something I end up enjoying myself, so he plays that card too. But sometimes I just want to do what I want to do and if that is staying home resting and creating then I’d love to do it without feeling guilty.
      The thing is to learn how to take control as an adult and not a spoiled kid. Ya know? 😉
      Thanks for always inspiring more out of me!
      xoxo
      PS: I am praying for you to find the love of your life! Even if it is you!

      1. Thanks for your reply and wishes for me. Maybe that love of my life can be ‘me’. I do now have the freedom to rest or be creative without guilt rather than have to go out and ‘play’ which was my life in my marriage. So I see benefits of enjoying this world of aloneness. As you say, the ideal would be to ask for what we want in an adult manner so that we can eat our cake (live our own desires) and still have the cake (a life partner) to come home to.

  6. Stands and applauds!! This is so spot on. Thank you for these wonderful words of revelation! I really appreciate your insights into this post traumatic relationship reaction!! Glad you shared this with us..

    1. Wow thank you!!! You are such a source of validation for me… Always!
      I am so blessed to have you here! Whenever I write this kind of stuff. I always wonder if it is too much information. But you guys always tend to affirm me. And I love you for it!

      1. You did great. You shared some insights into future potential relationships. I am open to a relationship but am still too easily placed in appeasing mode. I need to work on that. Big hug, my friend!!

    1. Marian,
      I love that you always see things that I want seen!
      And I soo agree. My problem is that the little manipulations that send me over the edge get more energy and grief from me than deserved by the one handing out the guilt. No where near the egg shells I used to have to navigate around. But still very annoying! 😉 none the less.

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