I wrote this several years ago when I was going through something that hit me like a Mack Truck. My first husband had recently died and my nest was empty. I was in the process of re-inventing myself and a Friend Request on Facebook literally rocked my world. For almost a year I took a powder. Pouf and I didn’t even know who I was. Once I’d been loyal and honest and felt that I had a decent amount of integrity. And the next, I was falling down a rabbit hole that didn’t have a rope.

Through a lot of work I found my way back but I am not proud of who I became for a while. The Friend request was from someone who’d destroyed my confidence when I was a teenager. The relationship was subtly abusive and hard to describe other than that of a frog sitting in tepid water, who finds himself smack in a pot of boiling water. The getting out and getting over it and the memories almost did me in.

Today I read… YOU HAVE MEMORIES ON FACEBOOK…. It was the post below. I’d written it before too many followed my blog. It was safe. We were all strangers. I am writing a book about my journey. Of abuse, of reconnection, of second chances to say everything you ever wanted to… Like I said, I am not proud of my choices but I don’t regret them because they made me who I am today. Someone who appreciates today and has stopped looking back.

The Post was titled;

YOU CAN’T LOSE SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD

You remind me of the ocean, the smell of the waves, the scent of summer, of heartache, of endings… of beginnings… of engagements and breaking up, of learning for the first time how to put aside dreams and learn how to survive the pain of heartbreak, you gave me my very first broken heart, you remind me of a never ending love that has weaved it’s way through the decades that have passed, the place in my heart that still hurts if you touch it, you are the reflection of my youth and my hopes and sorrows.

You taught me how to love and were the keeper of my tears. You challenged me and you suffocated me. You believed in me, maybe more than anyone ever has and yet you smothered me, snuffed out all the confidence in me. I sailed boats with you and flew planes!  I mean “I” actually FLEW a plane without an engine because of you! When you believed in me. I believed in me! I discovered that I could do things that I never would have thought of doing, if it had not been for you. Oh how you took me to the top of the world and then, oh but then… you dropped me and oh how I crashed. And even today, I’m not sure that I ever recovered. Maybe that is why I let you back in, to go back and get pieces of me.
You loved me and you hurt me over and over again, you left me found me over a lifetime of hellos and goodbyes, I loved you and I hated you, and yet I forgave you , fantasy and reality cloud into one, I see so clearly and am blinded at the same time, I understand because I know your pain and yet I can’t overlook my own, I give up everything for you and  escape with my life, I never look back and remember it all, I am safe when I am falling, I am silent when I am calling, I lose my soul and find it again, i pray for forgiveness, I believe and I doubt, I fail and I succeed, I dream and then I look back and remember, I laugh and I cry all in the same breath, I dance in my head and ache in my heart, I grasp at my youth and cling to my wisdom, I crumble where I am and gather the lessons I have learned, I turn around and find you, I let go over and over again, I sing from the mountain tops inside the silence of my imagination, my heart is stopped, I thought that I could change things, somehow fit you in to that place you left so long ago and yet the space has been filled, maybe not perfectly but slowly, I think that as I fill it with new dreams around the healing wounds, I might still have a chance at surviving this whole crazy place that I have found myself in, I take a breath as  I fall on my face and pray for strength to stop the madness.. and feel my heart begin beating again. And finally realize that …..

Someday I want my book that I am ripping apart once again, to give hope to the broken hearted and strength to those that haven’t even reckoned with their own strength yet!

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30 thoughts on “You Have A Memory On Facebook

  1. Revisiting the book, eh, Di? Have to say I’m guilty of that too. I’ll never get it finished, but it’s fun to write, edit, re-edit, and fill in some of the stuff you forgot. Don’t let yourself get bogged down with it though, or take it too seriously. I look at it this way…, it’s only really important to me. If someone else finds it and reads it, and likes it, well, that’s just a bonus. I try to keep a light hearted frame of mind about it (though sometimes it does get a little heavy). Have fun with it and enjoy !!!! 🙂

    1. Paul,
      You HAVE TO finish it! You are such a good writer. You could publish volumes of your poetry!
      Yeah re-visting. And you know what? Your advice was really very valuable. I still remember it and I notice that I still tend to go to the word “had” a lot! Argh! But at least I am noticing! LOL. My daughter took some of my book and told me that I could cut out big chunks and still say what I wanted to say. So I am going back a page at a time with everyone’s advice and I am using everyone’s over the years and applying it. Who knows… it may be help me turn out something worth submitting someday.
      But yeah… saying we are working on it… gives me something in my life (at least) to aim for! 😉
      xoxo

    1. Hi Debbie,
      You know me so well. I’m not so sure why. I need to go there again!!!!
      I’ve been so focused on so much going on and now I’m in this “haunted” valley (good word) that has me remembering once more. I thought I was past where I seem to be stuck again. I guess it’s all in the process.
      💖

      1. Di, it’s high time you finished the book. If you’ve read my recent post on writing memoir, you will find like me and so many others, that after rewriting, revising over and over again, the stinging hurt eventually becomes easier to live with. It becomes something we can lock away without it gnawing away at our souls. But you have to go through it all to get there. ❤

        1. Debbie,
          I have found myself wandering down those dark metaphorical hallways and you are right! I need to snap out of it and just let go and say what I have needed to say. I think I had one last thread I was hanging on to and like you, didn’t want to hurt the people in the story. But as far as anyone knows mine is basically presented as fiction. Only a few people know the exacts. So I am going there. And my daughter was saying that I could keep a lot of it the same, just take out the extra fluff that says the same thing over and over. She is right. I see it much more clearly now!
          Thanks for always being my cheerleader!
          xoxo

          Excellent advice: >>>> http://dgkayewriter.com/writing-memoir/

          1. Yes Di, revisions on our stories is the time we find repetitive things and make lots of cuts and possibly additions. It will hurt to read the 100 times over you will do in rewrites and edits. And by the time you’ve read it so many times you will find your heart less heavy. I have found this with my newest upcoming book next month ‘P.S I Forgive You’ it’s a closure to my wounds after my mother’s death, the sequel to Conflicted Hearts. It was my most difficult book to write, but I finally reached a point where I didn’t have tears streaming as I read and wrote. Writing is a magical part of healing. ❤

            1. Deb,
              ya gotta read
              Plain Jane
              by Fern Michaels! The mother daughter story is you!
              Do you ever listen to audio books? It is my 1st choice now since I drive so much! It makes the drive shorter and me looking forward to driving. I’m in the middle of this one and I kept thinking of you as I listen!

  2. Oh my, those memories, Diane. They have a way of making their way back around again and again revealing more that we need to see. I can relate to some of what you’re feeling, though in different scenarios. The universe has a way to gently teach and heal as we gradually let go and allow the pain and feelings to surface. God bless you, my friend, and relax in the moment of where you’re at right now. It’s all perfect. Hugs. 🙂

    1. Hi Pat!
      Love seeing my friends again. I stopped writing for a while because of those feelings coming to the surface. I’ve surprised myself just how transparent I can be. Something that the person in the center of all this didn’t appreciate. But unless you’re a writer at heart, I feel that most people tend to be more private. But you are right, the healing comes through owning the feelings.
      I always love your comments. Hugs back😘

      1. Same here, Diane — it’s good to talk with you again. It’s been awhile. I’m glad to see you’re getting back to writing again. I know what you mean about those feelings — they definitely can be consuming and quite overwhelming. Takes a bit to get your breath again and feet back on the ground and stable. Hugs 🙂

  3. It only made you more real. Life is not perfect and we learn as much (or more) from struggle as we do from our successes… I save this fortune cookie – Four basic premises of writing: clarity, brevity, simplicity, and humanity – follow them and book will lift those whose lives it touches … ❤

  4. “It was safe. We were all strangers.”
    Reading the comments here it seems to me that your sentence is truer today than then with one slight change –
    It is safe. We are all friends.

    1. Mike so funny. I almost wrote that four years ago. And read it today and get it more now than I did when I wrote it. Not to excuse my choices, but that scent of youth can be intoxicatingly tempting.
      Yikes!

  5. Ahhhh, the book! The story. The hurt, the abuse, the recovery. The prodigal journey back to wholeness. I am glad you dusted off the manuscript and are plowing through it again. If I can be any help, in any way, please let me know. God bless.

    1. Thank you my friend.
      That book is embarrassing! Too many unnecessary words. Too many of the same words. Too much telling and not showing. At least I saw it all before I went further. I still think that the bones of the story are good. I just need to work on the meat. Thank you.
      xo

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