A fellow blogger posed a conversation starter, basically asking us to reflect on a question that had been on his mind for a while…. “IF our life was over, how would we view it, right NOW at this point in where we each land?” Would we have done everything, we wanted to? Accomplished everything we set out to?

https://kingmidgetramblings.wordpress.com/2017/06/02/8070/

Jewel has a song called Satisfied.                                                                                                     It is probably my most favorite of all of her others.  A few of the lyrics go like this…

The only real pain a heart can know is the sorrow of regret when you don’t let your feelings show…        

 Did you lay it on the line?                                                                                                                                                      Did you make it count?                                                                                                                         Did you look em in the eye?                                                                                                                                                                                                              And did they feel it?                                                                                                                           Did you say it in time?                                        Did you say it out loud?

I think I have, said most of the things that I’ve needed to say that is, and if not I will probaly end up writing it. That is one of the perks about being a writer… you break open your heart and spill it out for all the world to see, whether they want to or not. And I guess they have the option of… the “or not” part and that is fine. At least I did my part.

In my lifetime, I’ve had the opportunity to say pretty much everything to all of the important people in my life, at least once. So I am satisfied that the people that I love know I love them, regardless of whatever the situation is when I am dead and gone, and if you know me, one of my strong suits has not been in holding back. If I think it, I say it. Though recently I’ve come to reflect on that and just maybe… the smarter you get, the more you learn to speak less. I mean, if you always share every card you  ever held, you would always lose. Right?

I have always been honest. And have come to the conclusion that, that is not necessarily a good thing. Since I expect no less from the people around me. I am just setting myself up for extreme disappointment. I don’t mean to sound like a cynic but expecting less of people is a lot easier than being constantly disappointed. And when someone shows you otherwise, it can be a happy surprise. Right?

I guess that is why I don’t reach out as much anymore. My circle has grown smaller and smaller, admittedly of my own doing. My husband on the other hand, is a people person. He would be at a party everyday if he could be. He is an entertainer and loves to be entertained. I am an observer. I have to force myself to be “on” and sometimes it is painful. And therefore I may just very well have to buy into the fact that I may have a touch of depression. It is hard to admit because I’ve worked in a Psychiatric Ward and been on the other side. The one with the key and the one who does the charting. I’ve transcribed doctor’s plans for his patients and carried out his order for meds for other people.

I don’t  close all the drapes and hide my head under the covers. I get up and cook and clean and work.  My house is the one that normally hosts all the family holidays and even though I am currently unemployed, I am out there trying to survive. I chat with random people and look for whatever opportunity I can find. I  strike up conversations and laugh and cry with my friends. But some days I am just so mad at the world and focus on the wrongs and the evil and hold on to resentments and just can’t seem to muster up the energy to try to let it go and other days I  just move on and don’t think about it all day. I recently had a whole week of fun where I just made myself stay happy and realized it was because I was actually happy.

So… What is depression? Can’t it just be circumstantial?  All I know is that some days I am so blue I just wrap myself in regret. And other days I am glad for all the times that have brought me here because what hasn’t broken me has made me stronger, what I thought I couldn’t get through, has made me a survivor. And when sh*t “stuff” happens to us that we feel is unfair or we run into situations that seem to be driven  by pure evil. It is only normal to feel kicked in the gut and a little more cautious to trust again. Right?

On the other hand, when  someone special (that you really want to see) surprises you with a special visit or you plan a special trip and have things to look forward to, when things are resolved, and you can breathe for a while, or someone pays you a compliment, or you have had a success that validates your efforts, or you just stop and breathe and see things from the eyes of a child and listen quietly in the moment of a prayer while you are down on your knees, and here God whisper ever so slightly…”My Child, it’s all going to be okay.” You lean back on HIS promises and whisper back…. “I know, right?”

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16 thoughts on “Right?

  1. Wonderful ! God never gives us a challenge that we can’t handle. We’re stronger than we think. Falling down the well of depression is horrendous but it makes us really appreciate how wonderful life is when it passes. How brave and compassiinate you are to share this to helpoothers. Thank you. Blessings!

    1. Anita,
      Thank you! That is the key and it is affirming that you GOT it! THAT IT PASSES! It always does. I feel so sad for the people who are so stuck that they feel it will never pass. I look back at other times that I thought I couldn’t get through and all the joy that happened in-between then and now and KNOW there is Joy in the morning and am counting on it!
      Though I do think that it is important to let others know that they are not alone in this. Writing is such a great tool to do that and I thank you for recognizing my main reason for sharing.
      I am always so touched by those who take the time to read and truly resonate in what I try to share.
      YOU my dear, are an inspiration and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
      xoxo

  2. The reason what I write resonates with you and what you write resonates with me is that we are clearly twins separated at birth. 😉

    There are so many things in this post that are things I could have written, it’s ridiculous. Your spouse likes a party, you would prefer a smaller crowd of select friends and some peace and quiet. Okay, not quite what you said, but I bet you could have. It’s the same thing for me. I’d prefer a deep, meaningful conversation with one or two close friends about the vast gamut of things in the universe, including discussing really personal, intimate things. My spouse — wants the party with lots of people and shallow conversations. I suggested this morning we go out to dinner tonight. She agreed and immediately wanted to invite another couple. It is always this way.

    I’ll cut to the chase.

    Depression. Yes, it can be circumstantial. I typically refer to it as situational. But the reality is that if you allow situational depression to get ahold of you, it can become organic. So, don’t let that happen. I sometimes fear I already have.

    1. I think that there have been a lot of writers that historically have had issues of depression. (Maybe why “we” write?) One of my ancestors was known to be Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Her story was sooo sad!
      Due to working in a Psych Ward, I have always been so resistant to embracing any kind of label or diagnosis. Though I did see some severely organic cases helped by meds or even shock treatment. (I had a doctor invite me to view one when I must have asked some pathetically ignorant questions, lol. It wasn’t too long after One Flew Over The Koo Koo Nest had come out) This lady was totally zombie like when she arrived, she was so depressed. A better transcribable description would be “flat affect” but zombie-like reeeally covers it. 😉 Anyway, what I observed was a couple small clenching of the teeths done on a surgical unit at about 6AM in the morning! I was in my early twenties and the doctor had taken me under his wing and it really was so interesting. AND the patient was a new person! It really was incredible. So animated and actually fun to be around after the procedure.

      So I’ve witnessed some really real cases of depression. When our marriage counselor suggested that I might have a touch of it, I got angry. It really upset me. But now I am beginning to consider that maybe she is right. Though I still feel that circumstances nudge me into that ovewhelmed, hard to snap out of it feeling. For instance my unemployment issue I shared with you, along with financial issues since I’ve lost my job, and aging parents, all kind of make sense that I let it get to me sometimes. Though… my trip to Seattle that I wrote about a few weeks ago, was a total week of sublimial joy. So due to my background and education in the subject you’d think I’d figure it out, but I admit I am stuck.

      And I get so annoyed when I get a guilt trip from my husband that I can’t snap out of it that I feel judged and that causes me to be very annoyed with him. But I also know how I feel when he gets down and it scares me because he is always pretty up-beat. I can decide that I am not going to be negative and it works for a day or two but that is exhausting. Lol.
      I agree. We are twins! LOL.. I would rather hang out with someone that I feel I GET and GETS me than have a dozen meaningless conversations! You nailed it!
      Lets make a pact to chat when we feel it is organically taking over! I will NOT let that happen to either of us!
      xoxo

      1. My problems are with work and family. My job is stressful enough, but as I get older it becomes less and less relevant to who I am. It may be the depression at work, or it may just be my natural evolution as a human being. All I know is that my job has become more and more emotionally draining over the years. There really is very little that is positive or sustaining for me.

        Then I come home and deal with my two young adult sons who are struggling with the idea of taking responsibility for their lives so that I don’t have to anymore.

        And a spouse who couldn’t be less like me. We have completely different approaches to almost everything. So, everything is a trade-off.

        Her way of dealing with my depression is to ignore it. She lets me do my thing but doesn’t do anything to help deal with it. Which probably isn’t a bad idea since her approach to it would be completely different. 😉

        Personally, I think she is suffering from depression as well — probably not as much as I am — but she’s unwilling to even consider it or analyze the situation.

        Anyway, I shouldn’t turn this into trashing her.

        It’s a daily struggle for me and truthfully I’m just trying to hang on until I can retire from my job (a little more than 2 years now) and spend the rest of my days doing what I want to do. 😉

        1. Sorry, I forgot, what do you do again? You have to stay till retirement? It is scary but I am re-inventing me after over twelve years of being an Event Coordinator. But to tell you the truth I don’t think I would have done it, (left my job on my own) if it wasn’t done for me. Be glad that you have a choice. I know your two adult sons are a burden to you financially and understand. I’m not sure if I shared with you, since we talked about our sons… but mine is currently not speaking to me. (I am not sure how to find the rolling your eyes emoti on my laptop lol.) But we are just like oil and water. I love him but we both have a hard time liking each other consistently. But!!!! Guess What? I am not as obsessed by it as I used to be. In fact, it’s a nice break. But I would love to have a good relationship with him. I am just not going to be walked on anymore. Even my dad who loves him to the moon and back says he’s all about the good old dollar. So sad. During our last conversation, he asked me what I’d done for him since 8 years ago when I paid for his registration, did his laundry, bought tires and brakes for his car so he could drive back and forth to help with his dying father. Mind you he was 29, eight years ago. NOT sure how that happened. I think having one kid at 23 and one at 30 made me a better mom. but then that would be blaming me for his behavior and not sure I want to own it.
          Talk about situational! Right?
          I wish I could help.
          What do you think would make you happy?
          You know what I think? I think you should start writing about family dynamics. YOU my friend, are an amazing writer. And I DO see you published the old fashioned way! (I like your bucket list!!! I’ve always wanted to be published that way as well!) 😉
          xoxo

          1. I am an attorney. I work for a state agency of just over 400 employees. I’m the general counsel and have two other attorneys on my staff. But since I’m General Counsel, I’m one of the head honchos. I don’t necessarily want to get into too many details here, but between my work and my family life, I frequently feel like I am responsible for everything and everybody and am constantly pulled into activities I’d rather not be pulled into. What would make me happy? No longer having to be responsible for everybody and everything. 😉

            Seriously, I no longer want to be responsible for anything other than what will make me happy each day. I want to paint and write and run and bake and garden and hike and take pictures and explore and … just be. No longer have to be responsible for making sure 400+ employees are treated well and all of our programs are operated legally and have to take on the financial responsibility for the three other adults in my family who believe money grows on trees. I don’t want to have to mow the lawn or take care of the pool or prune the roses. I just want to be whatever it is I want to be each day.

            No more “have to’s”. Just “want to’s.” I’ve told my wife that if and when I retire, I will be doing something totally and completely for myself. If I follow through with that, it will be something like a two month road trip through the Western United States — camping some times, hotels sometimes, hiking, bicycling, exploring.

            Regarding your son … my oldest and I are a bit like that, but in the last year or two he has started to acknowledge that I may actually be right about some of the things I lecture him about, some of the advice I give him. He’s only 22, but there have been times in the last six years or so when I have absolutely wanted to just cut him loose. When I asked him if he could at least acknowledge that my advice and demands of him were motivated by what I thought was best for him and his response was “No.” Well, what can you do with that?

            He’s now home after four years at college that were more failure than success. He has given up on pursuing a college degree. Him being home means what little peace and quiet I had are completely gone.

            He has absolutely no money. Zero. So, we are essentially paying for everything for him.

            I hate it. Absolutely hate it. And my wife thinks this is great because she gets to keep being a mom.

            1. Wow. I get it now. Where you are coming from. That must be a big load to have that kind of responsibility. When so many people depend on you! 400+ right down to your son! I guess you could analyze why your son failed till the cows come home, just like my son… but when my best friend was dying a few years ago, she adopted this saying: “It is what it is.” I’d never noticed her saying it in all the half a century that we were friends, and that saying resonates with me today more than it ever has before. Maybe a thought a lot of seasoned veterans of life have?
              Sometimes it just doesn’t matter why because it is what it is.
              I see you retiring and carrying out your plan to do what you love. I hope your family isn’t surprised by that. I think that should be a goal you look forward to. Your life line, so to speak. When I have plans and goals to look forward to, it gives me a kind of peace that is hard to explain. It makes today less overwhelming. I am praying for you. (I know, I know, but I am. 😉 )

  3. Diane,
    I always enjoy reading your posts. You are a talented writer. (We’ve talked about that before.) Your candor is refreshing. You are real. That’s always a blessing to read. I’ve admired you sharing your ups and downs, your highs and your lows, with me since we started following each other. I sometimes catch myself wondering what conversation we might be having together were we to sit down in a cool garden with a cup of joe.
    As I read your post today, the Lord put James 1:19-20 on my heart for you: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. For man’s anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” I’m intimate with this verse. I’ve felt the blowback for not getting the “quick to listen” part.
    I regret hearing about your depression. I am familiar with it as well. My wife was diagnosed with chronic depression years ago. I suffered the throws of PTSD following the homicide we had in our home in 2013. It is not fun. The trick for me is asking God to move me towards balance. He is doing that work in me. I still have bouts of depression, but, thanks be to Almighty God, they are short lived now and not as severe as they once were.
    Sometimes I get angry and vindictive when some folks to something motivated by hate or race. I want them to suffer egregious loss and retribution for their stupidity. For instance, several days ago, after the Kathy Griffin atrocity, I wanted to watch her squirm and suffer loss and lose her credibility and her career. But today, God, in his infinite wisdom, reminded me that even folks like Griffin and others of her ilk experience His grace and mercy. He still loves her and wants a relation ship with her. For me, Diane, that was a giant leap forward in my walk. Those negative feelings I had towards her vanished.
    So good to read your post today, my friend. I wish you a great week. I pray that God will show you His direction and path to walk. God bless. And thank you again for your post. I was delighted to read it today.

    1. Steven!
      Thank you!
      Yes I could use a nice visit about now dealing with my unemployment benefits. It’s sad how shady people can be. I was laid off. Stayed for two months trying to finish out my client’s events and ( not my GM or immediate boss but corporate) is trying to appeal my benefits (when they are almost over anyway!) They aren’t fighting that I got legitimately laid off, they are trying to say that I had a bogus job offer. They never gave me any real details. I just don’t need this right now. Sorry you are going through PTS. It is definitely real. We had a few cases (patients) on the open unit that messed them up. One was a victim in an armed robbery at her work. Scary stuff.
      Well what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger 👍 Right? 😏💕

    2. Steven,
      So weird, I wrote a reply on my iphone and can’t find it now so came out to my studio to write on my computer. I remember that horrible event that happened in your home! I remember praying for you and your wife constantly during that time. You are an example of true strength. PTSD is real. I remember a patient on the Open Unit at the hospital where I worked on the Psych Ward who had been held up at her work and she was so messed up by it that she was a resident for two years until her insurance ran out. It is a real thing. And no one died in her case. But God is good and even though there is evil in the world, that we don’t understand, He stands faithful. And that is the faith that I’ve had since I was young. Though I am not as faithful as HE is all the time and I fall short. HIS Grace is a blessing.
      Thank you for being faithful here. Always encouraging and affirming and validating!!!!! You are special to me!
      xoxo
      PS: Just came back on to read more comments and found the reply that I started so you get two comments for the price of one! 😉

      1. Thank you, Diane, for your kind words and understanding. We shall always be brother and sister in Christ together. What a blessing. God’s grace is truly amazing.

  4. ” Memories are the key to our existence, when they are good we smile, when they are bad we cry deep inside leaving us with the scars of life”

    ” internal scars never leave us and the pain is real, outer scars hurt for a time, then they heal and the hurt goes away”

    ” the circle gets smaller as we grow older, which makes the memories become important to making ourselves smile deep inside and on the outside”

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