I don’t share this a lot. “I” who talk about everything … It is one of those things that not a lot of people want to talk about. It makes them uncomfortable. But it is not something that will ever go away. I am reminded of it when I am made to  mark the box about pregnancies when filling out my medical history. And after all of these years it may not be something I think about everyday now, but it is there often enough, that place in my heart reserved for the two babies I never knew.

The first one, was before I had any children. I could speculate until the cows came home what caused either one of them, but I feel the first one was caused by me. I’d spent the whole weekend in a jacuzzi partying with friends up the street from where my husband and I lived. I was barely 21 and not living the way I should, especially if I wanted to have kids. I was only three months along and though my doctor assured me that many first pregnancies end in miscarriage and he was sure it was just “one of those things”, I blamed myself and turned my life around that day.

Of course I saw every new baby for months and months after that. Until I became pregnant with my son, I feared that I could not have babies. But I did, I had two beautiful healthy ones. A boy and then seven years later,  a girl. The perfect family. Until it wasn’t perfect anymore. I divorced when my daughter was 4 and soon after that, met my husband now. The second baby I lost was his. We’d been married for about a year and didn’t waste any time trying because I was past 35 which doctors deemed risky  back then.

We were so happy when we found out that we were pregnant. I planned in my head and my heart all the things a mother plans. I was sure I felt it kick. And proudly wore maternity clothes and then when I was a little over 4 months, I lost it. Just like “that” it was over. I tried to be so healthy and barely took aspirin. It just wasn’t fair. And it was traumatic. I almost died. My husband went to work and came home right away even though I told him not to. It was good he did, because he saved my life.

It seemed after that, people didn’t know what to say, so they just didn’t. Or they said the wrong thing, like “At least you have two beautiful healthy kids.” Well, I knew that. I knew that I was blessed. But I really wanted that baby too. I don’t think I ever really got a chance to grieve. I still think how old that baby would have been to this day. I wonder why it happened. And it still makes me sad. But I did still have two kids. I just wanted my husband to have one of his own. But he did. He has been an amazing father.  Blood wouldn’t have made it different for him. Someone did say something that I will always remember… when I was talking about how I wished I’d given him one of his own. They said… “He will just have another one  up in heaven too.” That was good to remember. I liked that.

All I know is that in heaven it will all be different. I will have four kids there someday.

You Have Not Been Forgotten

Shadows fall around me,

I don’t allow my heart to even skim my thoughts

or it would break for it’s lost dreams

It’s been over two decades since I lost you

though it seems like a hundred years in-between.

I think of you more than just when I’m filling out medical forms:

4 pregnancies… two births…

But then, my mind travels back to my first baby,

and I’m surprised it still hurts.

Who would you have been?

You who came before all the others,

the first one ever, to make me a mother

It’s been almost 3 decades since I lost you

My stomach was much flatter then.

You have not been forgotten…

You, the two that might have been.

Diane Reed

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14 thoughts on “Not Forgotten

    1. Susan,
      Thank you!
      You always get it. This was basically a tribute that was long overdue. I never really have ever shared about my two lost babies and didn’t want them to be forgotten. But also wanted to share because when I was in the midst of it, I felt like no one could relate and knowing others understand your pain is healing.
      xoxo

  1. ” over time the grieving may become easier, but the child lost was a part of you, leaving a void within your heart”
    “We all grieve in our own way, this don’t mean that the hurt will ever subside”
    “We never forget what has became part of us, we just keep moving forward showing our true strength”

    1. BC
      The grieving has become a lot easier. The pain was horrible at the time and I guess that I shared this for those going through something like this recently. When it is still fresh, it stings. And now not so much. There is a place in my heart for both of those babies, but the loss is not on my mind daily, and I don’t think of my loss when I see babies anymore. Mainly because I did have my own eventually after the first one. And my daughter was still young and needed me, the second time. I sometimes wonder if having another baby would have caused us not to be as close as we are now. Would I have been distracted? Etc. I KNOW from experience that you always have enough love for all your children though.
      Getting that positive test, that you are pregnant is hard to explain. You start planning at least in your head the second you know. And then your heart starts to slowly get to know this tiny miracle inside of you and whether it is two months or five months, or whatever… and it is taken away from you, it is devastating. You have to put away all those catalogs filled with nursery ideas and books of names. In my case, I still had to make a payment each month for an insurance thing I joined.
      But you are right the hurt does subside. And I wanted to share that. I loved your last line….
      We never forget what has become part of us, we just keep moving forward showing our true strength. LOVE IT!
      xoxo

    1. I love you Donna! I’m not really grieving in the same way I once did. The first was over 3 decades ago. Can you believe it? I don’t even know if you remember? We were friends then. Not sure I talked about it much back then? And the second one was two decades ago. I think both happened around this time of year so maybe that’s what made me share.
      So I actually wrote this just to share. I am fine. I just feel that our stories help others feel not so alone. Someday, maybe you might consider your own blog to share about your sweet daughter and your faith. A lot of people could benefit from your story and you are a great author. Maybe you were supposed to read this to consider that?
      xoxo

  2. Thanks for sharing this. It is one of those things that is difficult for others to know how to approach. We had a friend who lost her baby just before the due date. because the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Several other women in this circle of friends were pregnant at the same time. The woman who lost hers really struggled with seeing her friends with newborns when she was supposed to have one too but didn’t. I remember some of the new mothers in the group griping about how she should get over it and be happy for them, and I was somewhat stunned by that.

    We all grieve in different ways and should be allowed to do so the way that works for us and not be judged by others. In a different way, I kind of know how you feel. When I was 30, my best friend died suddenly of a heart attack. That was 22 years ago. As the years go along, I don’t think about him as often, but I still miss him and every once in awhile something happens that I stop and think “I wish I could talk to Jon about this.” And I wonder what his life would be like if he were still alive today. Of the things he missed out on. Again, not nearly comparable to your loss, but I get it.

    1. Ahh that is so sad. I think your wife needs to change the group she hangs out in! I can’t even fathom that they said anything so heartless out loud. God forbid her loss steals their joy! HOW selfish can anyone ever be?
      I had a friend who I had so many happy High School memories with. We connected a few years ago at an art show near where she lived and where my daughter had a booth.
      We both grabbed a salad and found a place to sit to catch up and a kid came up asking for a hand out saying his mom had cancer and he was desperate. I gave him what I could and the rest of the visit she complained about how he was probably lying and how she almost hits the homeless people begging on the on ramp where she has to get on to go to work. By the end of our visit I was ready to run like the wind… far, far away!!!! I finally almost told her to shut up and take a hike down the yellow brick road to find herself a heart. I was soo disappointed. I’d looked forward to that visit. I had to wonder who changed. Had she always been like that? Or had I just noticed?
      Anyway once again I can relate with you. I lost my friend that I’d known since I was 4 from cancer a few summers ago and I still want to tell her stuff. She was my Ann Landers and I was her Dear Abbey. We never started the day without an early morning email. I missed her especially at my daughter’s wedding last summer. She would have loved to be included in everything. So NO it is not comparable to my loss it is GREATER because I understand. I miss those babies because of the dreams I had for them and the plans I made. But I believe that they will be back in my arms in heaven. And I have to tell you, it’s times like those times when I count on there being a heaven! 😉 (a chat for another time 🙂 )

      1. The interesting thing is that that group of friends pulled apart around that time. It may have been because of the issues involving the one’s miscarriage, or maybe other reasons, but for a long time that group never really re-connected. Now, my wife sees them all maybe once or twice a year, and everything is fine … but it’s just not as close as it used to be.

    1. Quiall,
      Thank you – HUGS!
      I know that they are in heaven for safe keeping for now and probably happier than if they’d stayed here in this world. Only cuz heaven is an amazing place that I someday look forward to
      .xoxo

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