I am trying to post a little more regularly. After I came back from not posting consistently, I almost forgot how. I don’t want that to happen again. WordPress moved a few things around and I had to figure it out all over again. But like going to the gym, I just need to exercise this thing I do… write. My post, The Writing Room, made me realize that I’d pretty much decided that “that book” that I have talked about for the last seven years and re-written a dozen times is not as much of a burden for me to write. I think that I had to go through the process of just telling my story to me. If that makes any sense at all? I didn’t know the ending because it had’nt happened in my heart yet. NOW I think that I know it. It took about a half a dozen years to grasp it. I still think that I have a message that I need to share and I finally can.
In the mean time my story still resonates inside of me. And parts of that young girl that survived that story still hangs on by a thread, fighting for validation and to be heard. And I have come to the conclusion that life is all about fighting fair and I sometimes I still feel as if I am that young girl trying to feel validated. In a lot of my experiences, I have gained the wisdom that would allow me to go back to my younger self and say: “Don’t be so hard on yourself, or don’t make this or that so important.” Because I’ve learned a thing or two. But I have never really mastered being able to just “let it go” when I feel attacked. For me, fighting fair is first not raising your voice, and the tone and respect you use when stating your argument.
I think because my story is about abuse in my very first relationship, I am more sensitive to times when I don’t feel heard or validated. And yet on the other hand, when I do feel that affirmation, I will give you the world. To me, it seems so simple. But in all of my years of trying to be heard, the one thing left to my story is learning how to fight fair. As I have been going through the pages, I look back at all the fights that kind of formed me into how I have this crazy need to feel validated now. And out of all the things that I have moved on from… the one thing that has lasted is the need to be understood and not have things twisted. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of things by this scale I’ve learned to use… I ask myself, from 1 to 10, how important is it to me? And recently, I’ve used it a lot and let a lot go. Even if it is just me who notices. I just know that it is making it better for me. But sometimes… when someone misunderstood something I said or twists how I feel about something or misinterperts something else… I can no longer be that young girl again “just taking it” I can’t back down. I just can’t, because I promised myself long ago that I would never cower in the corner again.
Learning How To Fight Fair
Don’t raise your voice, I can hear you.
Don’t talk to me in that tone.
You always want to be entertained
I’d rather be left alone.
I wonder if you hear me,
cuz it seems as if you are just thinking of what you’re going to say
I wish we could discuss this in some productive kind of way.
You totally misunderstood
but I can only see the anger in your eyes.
If only you could see me on the inside
you might just realize…
That I wasn’t even thinking
what you’re accusing me of…
One moment we were laughing
but now shadows loom above.
What just happened here?
I can’t even begin to guess.
What started out as a joke
is now a crazy mixed up mess.
Sometimes I am confused
how we both are so on the defense.
And once the angry words begin,
nothing makes much sense.
You accuse me of things,
that were never in my head
and twist the things you heard
that I never even said.
You say I’ve made it about me now
making me forget words that never were there
I can’t even begin to understand what just happened
when no one is fighting fair!
Diane Reed© 2017