I miss my mom. It hits me when I am least expecting it. For a while I wondered why I didn’t cry like I thought I would. I felt numb. But now sometimes I feel the sting from the pain so deeply, I can’t breathe. A few years ago, back when she was still driving and working in her art room or cooking in the kitchen I took it all for granted. She used to make all of the holidays so special. When I knew it was getting too much for them to have it, I tried to take over as graciously as possible. And I willingly did.

My dad used to make a big deal about Christmas. He spoiled us rotten. Because he didn’t have a lot as a kid, there was barely enough room for the Christmas tree with all the gifts he would pile around it. When he died, I tried to take over for my dad.  I think I felt he’d passed the baton to me. But no one could have really filled his shoes. though I went in debt trying!

My mom died the month before Thanksgiving last year. And as usual, I tried to make everything as normal as possible and the celebration went on as usual. Christmas too… But for some reason Easter was hard this year. The numbness was wearing off. And I was feeling especially sad.  I wanted to crawl in a box and come out when it was over. Maybe it was because though my mom taught me about Jesus all of my life, she led me in the salvation prayer on Easter morning when I was seven. So I would always remember when I chose to follow Him. So we have always shared a kind of special bond on Easter.

hand over mouth

I’d planned to do Easter this year. And was in the midst of planning when some  circumstances beyond my control messed up all of the plans. Which actually caused more drama than I was prepared to handle. So, I decided that this year I was going to take my own advice and realize “how many things don’t require my comment.” And to reserve judgement.  It is actually kind of freeing to not allow negativity to infiltrate an entire day which is what I used to do.

I would have gone through with the day but it was actually nice to just go with the flow and let someone else plan something and to go out with my dad and my husband and his parents and be able to go home and cry if I wanted to and not have a huge mess to clean up (which is usually on me to do.) So instead of ruining everything and being mad at the wrong people, I just changed my plans in my head to not let the circumstances that had nothing to do with me, rob me of the joy that has been kind of a pattern on Easters since my childhood. My daughter commented once, how every Easter seems to be ruined by “something” and I thought about it and it was as if a force not of God would come in and try to sabotage all of my adult Easters.

So this year I stopped the pattern. I took back the control and realized that it is always a choice. To decide to make the best of things or not. It is as simple as that. And you know what? It is freeing to stop the crazy making family dynamics or whatever is happening and say enough!  And while we’re at it. Everybody better plan something for Mother’s Day because I won’t be doing it this year. The gaping hole would just be too much. But like my sweet niece said….my mom (her grandma)  is with her in a lot of things she does. All the memories of her faith and encouraging talks will live on in all of us and the best thing that we can do is to keep her  faith alive through our babies. But in the meantime I am not ruining Easter over a silly “change of plans.”

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14 thoughts on “A Change Of Plans

  1. Di – One thing I’m inclined to notice – Don’t make the best of it, take the best from it. The universe hands us every day, sometimes it lets us play our hand, sometimes not, but we can always take the best from it. You are greater than you know, you are your mothers daughter! … Have a beautiful Mothers Day, she lives in you … Peter (gfs)

  2. It’s been a long time without writing, but I always take a look to some of the blogs. Too busy working.
    So sorry for your lost. My mom passed away 1 1/2 years after 1 month in ICU and another month at the hospital in a “cold” room. It was hard for me because I couldn’t be with her all the time and my memories were the ones of the pain and suffering at the hospital. I did on purpose a video that came to 1 hour long with all the memories of the happy mother I had. That really helped me a lot. Today I remember the video, my mother, the way she was. I miss her but at the same time I have comfort she’s in a better place surrounded by her parents and siblings and knowing I will join then one day. There will be good days and others… with tear of love because Jesus understands us and he will wipe them. Be strong.

    1. Diana
      Sorry for your loss as well! I can so relate with all you have said. I think I’m stuck in the place of remembering how bad it was in the end & fleeting moments of the good old days. I look forward to just remembering the good old days! But you are right they are definitely in a happier place. Thank you for taking some of your time here! It means a lot.

    1. I know you know a thousand times over. You are such an example of strength and faith. Thank you for being a Vessel of inspiration in all your posts. And for taking the time to read my ramblings.

  3. Thanks for your honesty Diane. Loss ans grief are hard. Good for you in changing things up, making a “new normal.” My first mothers day without my mom I let my family know in advance that i needed to do the day different. (Which meant for me NOT having my mother in law visit for the weekend as usual since she tended to make the day about her) my family was very supportive and it helped me to have a plan. Everyone does grief differently, do what is right and healing for you

    1. Oh Sandy thank you! I know you know ❤️
      I’ve been praying for you. I was looking for a good opportunity to talk Friday night. I’d love to take you to lunch soon! Praising God for your pretty good news!!!! You have been an example to us all! And you looked great!
      Thanks for taking the time to read. Love ya 💕

  4. ” When the chair is empty that our parents occupied, there is a big void in our hearts to which we never fill, but just move forward throughout the rest of our journey”.

  5. I’m sorry you lost your mom, Diane. She was a good woman to teach you about Jesus and faith in Him… Eternity, Diane, it’s all about eternity. Your mom is with the Jesus she taught you about. That is so comforting.
    Happy Easter, Diane.

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