God’s plans interrupted by me

 

I read this quote the other day and it really made a huge impact on me.

“Whatever God’s dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.”

Stella Terril Mann

Wow. Right? Sometimes I read something that makes me really stop and think.  I mean obviously God could have created robots, but He didn’t. I know some people that I love very much, that don’t believe the exact things that I believe. They think maybe Noah and Adam and Eve and the other prominent stories in the Bible may just be a bit of symbolism, a metaphor of sorts that God used to give us a road map. But if I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God, I figure, that even amidst the different interpretations, He is not going to allow the words to be so twisted that we are just reading a bunch of stories that never happened. So lets take Adam and Eve for instance. Even if just metaphorically… God had this pretty great plan for all of us. The Garden of Eden. A metaphor? Whatever it was I GET IT! He had something in mind that far surpassed anything we could ever imagine. No illness, no sadness or death, no anger or guilt, or wars,  just a beautiful life in a beautiful world. And good old Adam and Eve screwed that up royally for us now didn’t they? But within that story we learn about “free will” and choices that we are given.

Reading that quote, stopped me in my tracks. I know I’ve been pretty uncooperative in this process called life. I have gotten in my own way so many times I couldn’t even begin to count. I’ve always blamed Adam and Eve for interrupting God’s plan throughout the years, but I know without a doubt that I’ve interrupted His plans for me. The only question I have is, why couldn’t these darn ephifanies have happened in my twenties?

Over the years I’ve had these fleeting glimpses of God, but never this clearly. I am interrupting my own journey. Not believing in the gifts that He has given me. Not seeing the messages He wants me to hear. Not getting out of my own way. Not seeing God’s plans have been interrupted by me! His plan has always been better. I can look back and see the times I took a different path than the one so clearly laid out for me. And then asked why? How many times did I just barrel ahead without really seeking His will? It is all so clear now. And even though I wish I’d seen the light sooner… I will not get in my own way again and brand my soul with the excuse of it’s too late for me. Instead, I will be an example of it’s never too late to salvage that dream and march on!

Oh Lord, if I turn around I can clearly see

the treasures that I missed that you designed for me.

The times I overlooked the path you’d have me take

and how you always forgave all of my mistakes

As I stop to ponder, I finally understand

the wisdom in following the much greater plan!

Diane Reed 2020

Interruptions

Recently, I have been reflecting on my life. The good, the bad, the not so good and the not so bad. And I have come to the conclusion that life is going to always be filled with good and bad moments. Nothing will stay good all the time, and for that matter, nothing stays bad. I remember as a little kid, feeling as if my world had ended at times, and then not long after, having such a great day! Even when I was pretty young, I recognized that bad times pass and if I’d stayed stuck in one of those bad times, I wouldn’t be enjoying the good time I was having at that next particular moment I was having it. When I was a teenager, those moments became more good and bad & I had higher highs and way lower lows. And much more often. My heart was broken a few times and each time I fell into a dark hole that I couldn’t seem to climb out of as fast as I did when I was a kid. I felt that desperate feeling of overwhelming pain. One particular time, when a boy hurt me, my dad knocked at my door and sat down on my bed, and told me that this might happen a few more times but someday, I’d forget about this stupid boy and have more important ones than him come and go after, and someday the right one would come along and  be worthy of my love. I don’t think I grasped his wisdom then. But looking back almost 5 decades later, I realize that, that “stupid boy” that I loved and lost and thought was so important in my life was not. Not even close to the ones that came after him. Or one that I’d really call a “boyfriend” for that matter. And as I look back, I realize that the highs and lows aren’t all about lost loves or the things I thought were so important back then, but the everyday  stuff that happens all the time. You feel happy for a good stretch and then something happens to topple the fantasy that it’s all good all of the time. When my dad died, I thought I’d never stop crying. It was so sudden as heart attacks are and he was so young and it just wasn’t fair. He was my rock. But he also  had an alcohol problem that was a part of my low times. So you see, life isn’t always something we can control. He gave me some of my happiest moments and also some pretty dark ones. When I met my first husband “the happy” was pretty short lived. Though there were some incredible highs and some very dark and low, lows.  The main reason was because…  I married an alcoholic as statistics predicted. And for fourteen years, I tried to believe that there was a “happy” at the end of the dark tunnel. There wasn’t. Though two great kids came from him, and so that was my “happy” that I still have from him.

Life is full of choices. Some we don’t recognize were wrong until decades later, some, we know when we are making them, that they are not the smartest choices. And some like heart attacks or accidents or illnesses, again, obvioulsy aren’t our choices but just a part of life’s interruptions. I was recently drastically interrupted by one that came out of no where when a drunk driver hit (rearended) me going 80 miles an hour on my way home from work two weeks ago. It was a few days before Christmas and my kids were coming for the holidays and I guess I was in a happier place right before it happened. Not at the top of the world, but in an okay place. I didnt’ have to work for a few days and life was in a medium happy place for me. Then BAM! The guy’s bumper was wedged under my rearend so hard that my tailpipe was flat, making my car undrivable. They totaled my car. I still don’t know any details. If the guy is in jail, or the hospital, if he had insurance or not, we are still waiting for the police report. The good news was an Angel was my witness. Well mine, and an of duty CHP who stayed and wrote his own report. So I am confident that I am covered in more ways than one. But I am out a car. My car was an older Lexus SUV  and it saved my life. It was meticulously maintained and though I know I have so many things to feel blessed about that didn’t happen, Give me a minute while I mourn my poor car. It saved me from so much worse and it had to die doing it. I loved that car. Even though it was older I was grateful that it held all of my art supplies perfectly for my shows. So sad! Just another low time, that is an example of a good and bad moment all in one. I am not in the hospital fighting for my life. It was just a car. I get it.

My life right now, is not the way I would have written it. BUT…  As I look back, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the good times I’ve had or the people I’ve loved. And I know from experience there WILL be happy times again. It’s kind of a proven fact.

 

You can’t always plan your life out and the way that it will look

as easily as writing it’s story on pages in a book

for when you write the words down, you can read them over again

you can erase or back space from the beginning to the end.

But life is just not that easy,  and you don’t always get to choose

exactly the way the story goes, or the things you gain or lose.

You can’t always go back and change a word or choices that you made,

or rewrite the places you left, when you know you should have stayed.

I wonder what I would do if God handed me a magic pen,

allowing me to erase my mistakes and rewrite my life again.

I wonder if I changed all I wanted to, who I’d really be,

and if I’d actually end up being the better part of me?

Rewriting every page from the time I was just a little kid,

or realizing I needed to learn the lessons that I did!

by

diane reed

2020