Recently, I have been reflecting on my life. The good, the bad, the not so good and the not so bad. And I have come to the conclusion that life is going to always be filled with good and bad moments. Nothing will stay good all the time, and for that matter, nothing stays bad. I remember as a little kid, feeling as if my world had ended at times, and then not long after, having such a great day! Even when I was pretty young, I recognized that bad times pass and if I’d stayed stuck in one of those bad times, I wouldn’t be enjoying the good time I was having at that next particular moment I was having it. When I was a teenager, those moments became more good and bad & I had higher highs and way lower lows. And much more often. My heart was broken a few times and each time I fell into a dark hole that I couldn’t seem to climb out of as fast as I did when I was a kid. I felt that desperate feeling of overwhelming pain. One particular time, when a boy hurt me, my dad knocked at my door and sat down on my bed, and told me that this might happen a few more times but someday, I’d forget about this stupid boy and have more important ones than him come and go after, and someday the right one would come along and be worthy of my love. I don’t think I grasped his wisdom then. But looking back almost 5 decades later, I realize that, that “stupid boy” that I loved and lost and thought was so important in my life was not. Not even close to the ones that came after him. Or one that I’d really call a “boyfriend” for that matter. And as I look back, I realize that the highs and lows aren’t all about lost loves or the things I thought were so important back then, but the everyday stuff that happens all the time. You feel happy for a good stretch and then something happens to topple the fantasy that it’s all good all of the time. When my dad died, I thought I’d never stop crying. It was so sudden as heart attacks are and he was so young and it just wasn’t fair. He was my rock. But he also had an alcohol problem that was a part of my low times. So you see, life isn’t always something we can control. He gave me some of my happiest moments and also some pretty dark ones. When I met my first husband “the happy” was pretty short lived. Though there were some incredible highs and some very dark and low, lows. The main reason was because… I married an alcoholic as statistics predicted. And for fourteen years, I tried to believe that there was a “happy” at the end of the dark tunnel. There wasn’t. Though two great kids came from him, and so that was my “happy” that I still have from him.
Life is full of choices. Some we don’t recognize were wrong until decades later, some, we know when we are making them, that they are not the smartest choices. And some like heart attacks or accidents or illnesses, again, obvioulsy aren’t our choices but just a part of life’s interruptions. I was recently drastically interrupted by one that came out of no where when a drunk driver hit (rearended) me going 80 miles an hour on my way home from work two weeks ago. It was a few days before Christmas and my kids were coming for the holidays and I guess I was in a happier place right before it happened. Not at the top of the world, but in an okay place. I didnt’ have to work for a few days and life was in a medium happy place for me. Then BAM! The guy’s bumper was wedged under my rearend so hard that my tailpipe was flat, making my car undrivable. They totaled my car. I still don’t know any details. If the guy is in jail, or the hospital, if he had insurance or not, we are still waiting for the police report. The good news was an Angel was my witness. Well mine, and an of duty CHP who stayed and wrote his own report. So I am confident that I am covered in more ways than one. But I am out a car. My car was an older Lexus SUV and it saved my life. It was meticulously maintained and though I know I have so many things to feel blessed about that didn’t happen, Give me a minute while I mourn my poor car. It saved me from so much worse and it had to die doing it. I loved that car. Even though it was older I was grateful that it held all of my art supplies perfectly for my shows. So sad! Just another low time, that is an example of a good and bad moment all in one. I am not in the hospital fighting for my life. It was just a car. I get it.
My life right now, is not the way I would have written it. BUT… As I look back, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the good times I’ve had or the people I’ve loved. And I know from experience there WILL be happy times again. It’s kind of a proven fact.
You can’t always plan your life out and the way that it will look
as easily as writing it’s story on pages in a book
for when you write the words down, you can read them over again
you can erase or back space from the beginning to the end.
But life is just not that easy, and you don’t always get to choose
exactly the way the story goes, or the things you gain or lose.
You can’t always go back and change a word or choices that you made,
or rewrite the places you left, when you know you should have stayed.
I wonder what I would do if God handed me a magic pen,
allowing me to erase my mistakes and rewrite my life again.
I wonder if I changed all I wanted to, who I’d really be,
and if I’d actually end up being the better part of me?
Rewriting every page from the time I was just a little kid,
or realizing I needed to learn the lessons that I did!