Yesterday I have to admit that I played right into my post about how I don’t follow through with my best intentions, and promptly had my :”I give up” melt down. Regardless of my attitude adjustment declarations, I became an example of the very thing I wrote about. Just like Paul wrote about his own frustrations in
Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
I think that I have referenced that verse a thousand times!!! I could have written it! I have to admit that I feel so angry with everything. I could have almost said that I questioned my faith. Which leaves me pretty devastated. I’m no martyr. My life has been pretty good. Though when I take an inventory of heart aches, I’ve had my share. But I don’t think I’ve ever just sat down and not believed. Yesterday I was just MAD. Not just at the virus, but at the stupid people not taking this thing seriously and for the ones going WAY overboard!!!! And just the stupid things happening in my life! Not to mention, our car breaking down after one was already totaled by another stupid person, (my own personal drunk driver) that decided to crash into me last year right before Christmas. And, and, and… I could go on… But on the other hand, I have so many blessings! I KNOW God is out there! He constantly is trying to talk to me! I am such a fool. As I was looking up this verse, It referenced Joni Eareckson Tada, an Evangelical Christian author, and radio host that leads a ministry in the community for people with disabilities and who was paralyzed from the neck down due to a diving accident. I know her story well and God is so good! He doesn’t miss a beat, finding me right where I am. In the muck of my pity pot. (NOT that I won’t be there again and probably a thousand more times! to the dismay of myself and those closest to me.) But for the moment, I am pulled out. I am reminded of two of my friends with ALS both with amazing spirits. One now with the Lord, and one an amazing soldier for Him!) And of one of my very dearest friends that just lost her life after her two decade struggle with cancer, who was another one of God’s solders, always with a smile on her face. So I berate myself as I attend my own little church with just me and God who has given me a personal revival all of my own. Always finding me right where I need to be found. Reminding me of my amazing friendships. And though I’m dealing with a plugged ear right now… I roll my eyes at the minimal physical complaints I have and am awed by the spirit of those who have so much more to deal with. So at the risk of continuing to write in my usual formula, I just wanted to check in with everyone and kind of journal my way through these times that are supposed to be making me stronger. I’d love to show my character through all this and be a shining light… like I see everyone posting… but for those of you that have had a melt down I just wanted to share you are not alone and I think it’s okay as long as you have a stupid formula to rise above it all and can post about it, in your blog. Right?? Stay safe everyone!