The things I know for sure.


suitcases

I’ve been traveling a long time with my past and It hasn’t been easy to keep lugging all those suitcases around everywhere I go!  I’ve come to realize that not everyone I started out with, will end the journey with me. Just recently, this reminder has been made crystal clear for me. I guess that I never stopped to understand; just how short life really is! I’ve learned that the only ONE that I can really count on to be there from start to finish is The Lord. And as I’ve grown older, the more comforting that has become.

I’ve also learned that survivor’s guilt is very real, and wondered why I’ve been left behind. What am I supposed to do? Does God have a plan for my life? Is it my responsibility to discover the opportunities He has for me? I know the answers.  I have been given a gift in this reality check,  and with all that knowledge I’ve come to some new conclusions… You don’t need permission to grow or to unpack or just leave those old suitcases behind and move on and you don’t ever have to feel guilty for living your life authentically your way.

typed to be continued

When I started this blog, I titled  it “The One Thing I know For Sure” and periodically I’ve shared daily, weekly and sometimes just monthly, depending upon my schedule. Sometimes, I’ve come here to share my snippets of self-proclaimed wisdom. And all that I feel that I’ve learned throughout this journey that I’ve been on. For after all, you hopefully can’t live over a half a century without learning a few lessons right? So now here I am again sharing  some more “stuff”….

words of dreams

I’ve learned that God does not punish you for your past sins. He just forgives. WE punish our selves by not letting go.

Jesus hem

I’ve learned that Letting go is like getting a third lung! You can finally really breathe again!

triumphant

Ive learned that no amount of guilt can change the past.

lonley girl on rocks

Ive learned that it’s just as hard to let go sometimes as it is to hold on.

silhouette of hands

I’ve learned that it is okay to love & forgive someone, without wanting to spend time with them.

sad woman

I’ve learned that silence is sometimes the best response.

shhh

I’ve learned that we never stop caring, nor can we force others to care.

floor crying girl

I’ve learned to not look back because I will only trip on where I AM going!

suitcasess

I’ve learned that when you realize your kids are a lot like you, you will never really know if the ambivalent feelings you’re feeling are more pride or fear!

mother and daughter hands black and white

I’ve also learned that a mom is only happiest as her unhappiest child.

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I’ve learned that a spiritual man is pretty darn hot!

praying man on his kneespraying handspraying man with hand lifted

I’ve learned that Loyalty rules, and that forgiveness trumps anything I thought I ever really wanted.

praying couple's hands

I’ve learned that a negative mind will never give you a positive life.

crying in bed

I’ve learned that I have spent too much time in the past, not enough in the present and that one of my biggest flaws is that I always have to have something to look forward to!

airline tickets

I have learned that “Though honey is a very good thing, that there is something about right before you taste the honey, that is almost as good as when you do!” (Winnie The Pooh) ©

winnie the pooh in the honey hive

And I’ve learned that the less suitcases you carry with you through life, the faster you can get to what comes next!

suitcase pile2

Diane Reed 2015 ©

Beginning In The Middle


I think that admitting you are middle aged is like turning the light on. Though, recognizing what a full blown mid life crisis is and that we are having one is a little less easy. Sometimes when we are in the dark for so long, we don’t realize that just turning on a light would help us see things a little better. I think that I have been in the dark for a few years now. I would never have suspected that I would be in the throws of the classic symptoms of a mid life crisis and have missed them all together but now as I turn around and look at where I have been recently and what I have done, I am sure or maybe even positive that I have been experiencing just that.

A young girl with a lot of wisdom and research under her belt spoke to me about hormones and the mixture of menopaus and my experience with my now empty nest mixed in with a bit of being stuck in a marriage that seemed to be on a merry go round of excuses and wah lah you have what we define as a mid life crisis. The problem was just how far I took mine.

Stuck in a job that didn’t leave room for a lot of creativity which is what I crave, lost in regret of many areas of my past, guilt about a divorce, anger about a past relationship even  before my marriage that defined much of who I am now, and pieces of my childhood that seemed fragmented into much pain, my current marriage barely had a chance.

Go forward a thousand years and I found myself right in the middle of a profound place of being stuck…. My dad died when I was twenty six. I thought I would never stop grieving over that. I was not ready to lose a parent yet and was devestated. Even today, I can find uncried tears easily when I think of it too hard. Death is difficult at any age, but when it is cut short so early there is something that just never seems right about it. And even though we were divorced, when my first husband died it was all surreal. It didn’t rock my world as I might have thought. It all happened so fast. And I truly think that I am just afraid to go there. To really feel the pain about losing the father of my children, to wonder what if… and the guilt of the divorce. When he told me he was dying, he said something that made me feel that he thought that maybe if we had stayed together, I may have magically been able to stop this from happening… his dying I mean.  I can’t seem to get it out of my head… what he said when he told me he was dying… I said… “I should have stayed with you to nag you about your smoking.” And he said, “I knew you were going to think that.” I didn’t really think that. I just said it, to have something to say in a moment of having nothing. Maybe he thought that. I never knew.

I don’t think that I have dealt with a lot of pain in my life. I think that I have pushed it all away and at times it comes out in anger and in other times bad judgement, as I look for things to numb it. Alcohol and drugs is a temporary fix. I don’t like the way they make me feel after it has all worn off… and so I must go on the journey to find something opposite to numbing the pain. I need to finally deal with the pain and in turn heal the wounds. I have started on this journey and made mistakes along the way… this blog is my way of sharing that journey, my mistakes and in turn, hoping to find some answers for us all.