lawn

When I was young my dad told me  I had a forest worth of leaves I said that I was turning over. The fact is, I wanted to be “good.” I tried hard. Whatever I was doing wrong, I wanted to stop and figure out how not to keep doing it. Today, some 50 + years later, I feel a little stuck in that little kid that never seemed to ever win the battle with myself. And if we are talking about buttons, my biggest one is, the guilt button. Feeling as if I have failed everyone else, but mostly myself.

I have been in places in my life, where I have thought. I’m never going to do it right for EVERYONE so, I just abandon all of my efforts and selfishly do what I want. I have always had this wild fantasy of just running away. Luckily as I grew up and learned about responsibility and then became a mother, I stopped running. Though I think when my marriage of fourteen years failed, I went through a mini-breakdown inside of myself and laid the first row of bricks that later would become the wall I began building around myself years ago.

As a kid, I never was one to not say what I felt. I mean, as I grew up, I grew a filter. But have been known to wear my feelings on my sleeve. One thing I have learned is that there is power in not telling people everything you are thinking. I have come to the conclusion that no one is entitled to KNOW everything until or if I am ready to share it. Though that wearing my feelings on my sleeve thing gets in the way a lot, because between the wall and having trouble not showing when I am hurt or angry, it is like an oxymoron raging inside of me. That ambivalence between wanting to do what is right but finding myself doing the opposite.

If you have followed me at all, you know by now, that I love a good metaphor and as I walked outside to turn on my studio the sprinklers turned on, it came to me just how to explain how I feel inside of me, this very minute. I am our lawn. I just mowed it a few days ago, so it still looks freshly manicured. Part of our lawn is pretty real grass that my husband just recently planted, part is still just dirt, (some still struggling to sprout the seeds planted) and the other half is dying old real grass that is having a tough time surviving this summer’s triple digit heat, and the other is just weeds that we pretend is grass or try not to notice isn’t, that we mow and water along with the other. Do you see where I am going with this?

Like the lawn, I am STILL a work in progress. Still worth being worked on. Still learning. Still struggling to grow new seed. Though, there is still a lot of work to do, wasting time on watering the old weeds, seems to be senseless.  But anywaay, my husband tells me that he has some weed killer he is planning on using out there when he can get to it! 🙂

I guess my point is… That I have learned, only God can get the weeds out. But He still tends to the places that I allow. The dead grass, the dirt, and the weeds are where I waste a lot of my time. Even though I see growth where the seeds were planted. I just need to realize that until I stop and hand it ALL over to HIM, I will remain stuck watering the weeds.

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17 thoughts on “Growing through it all

  1. Diane, I have failed to read your blogs for so long. I apologize. After reading your story, I feel closer to you than ever. I love the analogy. I once got hung up on trying to be perfect. (The Bible says, “Be ye perfect even as your Father who is in heaven is perfect. ” After trying and failing I just became a very conscientious little girl and later woman. The funny thing is later I found out the word that was interpreted as “perfect” actually means “Complete” as in be complete with God. But even that is a process of growth and self awareness I have found. Anything we can do with love is good. We are all amazing creatures because of that love and our love for our fellow humans. You are one person I feel a lot of similarities with. Hugs!!

    1. I toooo have not been great about keeping up with anyone! I had one of my blogs pop up from a few years ago. Where’d you’d said something so profound to me that it made me wander over to your door to peek in today & found your wonderful post. 💕
      I’ve missed everyone.

        1. Well, darlin’ girl….., God made you, and He made the weeds, and He left it up to you to decide if the weeds stay or go. It was never a decision He wanted to make for you.
          So good to see you here again. Have missed you. ………..xo

          1. You ALWAYS have a special way of looking at things. I love that about you!!!!💕❤️💕
            Thank you for your golden words.
            & I’ve gotta say, I love the title “darlin girl” somehow it makes me feel as if everything’s going to be okay. ☺️

  2. Diane! – Of so many I have met here on WP you deserve the very best! You have worn your heart on your sleeve for all of us to feel and know, yet you hold on to the past believing it is what you are. It may be a foundation, but like the lawn, nourish the green and the flowers, rake over and mulch the rest ( good metaphor?) … Look in the mirror smile with your eyes and remind yourself “I am love” You will never find on the outside what you are in yourself …

    1. Peter,
      You are one of a kind. Always taking the time to comment on every post I make! It’s so validating. And to me, validation is better than gold or chocolate or a bouquet of flowers! & you are always there with it in such a way that I know you read every word that I wrote. Every single time!
      Bless you!!!!!

  3. Good stuff, Diane. I hate weeds, but we have a lot. Years ago, we planted to small live oaks in back. Now they are huge, so big that grass won’t grow in their shade, but ugly clover loves it and thrives.

    1. Hi my friend! I love the picture of you outside on your porch on your computer. It made me happy to know you could see the view! Mary is my hero. I feel so rotten whenever I complain! I just read your post about breathing! I tried to LIKE it but my phone wouldn’t let me. 🤷🏼‍♀️
      I need to just go sit at my laptop & read!!!!
      You are another cheerleader & wonderful inspirer that I am blessed to know through this wonderful neighborhood of writers & readers! Thank you my friend for taking the time to comment. You & Mary are always in my prayers!💕

  4. I lay in my bath this morning crying and then, I lookup up through the sky light and said outloud, “I surrender.”

    And I repeated it, again and again.

    My eldest daughter’s mental health issues are high right now and I am feeling heavy of heart and somewhat wounded by her anger. I love her in all her comlexities but I have to set boundaries on what behaviours are acceptable in my life. A challenge because being a work in progress myself, I want to fix things, carry the blame and guilt so she can grow free, look at only the ‘real’ grass.

    So thank you for your words today.

    Many blessings dear Di.

    1. Wow Louise
      That means so much coming from you! I definitely will be on my knees praying for you both. I think you and I both, started writing to help others feel not so alone, one soul at a time. It means so much knowing that the one who has helped so many, found my words helpful! Love you my friend. Hang in there. I’ve been there. My oldest has anger issues and he and I have been in some low valleys. But we are working on us. Which I once upon a time, never believed was possible! 💕

    1. Bowling Chef,
      I saw your message come through on my phone, but can’t find it here on my laptop. Too weird. Anyway, if you see this… thank you! I know it’s been a while, LOTS going on in my life. Finally just had to sit down and write again. Thank you for the welcome back. YOU my friend are always such a cheer leader. Love you tons! Thank you!
      Di
      Just figured it out!!!!
      I’ve been GONE so long, I forgot how to navigate around this place!

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