Still looking for it… “The joy”

Just checking in. I have stayed true to my commitment and been pretty regular about reading Psalm 91. It’s funny in reading it, I feel it has given me a lot of hope I might not have had. And maybe a little better and more consistent attitude. Though centuries have gone by, it seems as if it was written yesterday. If you really read it and let the words resonate. In my lifetime I’ve read a lot of books more than once and feel, the second time is better. Though you aren’t getting the surprise factor of not knowing what is going to happen next. You are gathering the parts you may have missed. In reading the same scripture daily, I get something new out of it each day. The whole world is experiencing this pandemic. The whole world should read Psalm 91.

So Anywaaaay… After writing about depression, I was chatting with a blogger friend of mine about it. And he put things in a much better perspective for me. So much so, that it sidelined my post about it for today a bit. But I still want to share my thoughts on what I was thinking. Regardless of quarantine, I have been feeling for a while now that Monday comes around and all of a sudden it’s Friday. As well as seemingly being sucked into this time machine (see photos) where yesterday I was 19, getting pictures taken for my portfolio to become a model. (rolling my eyes) And then the next picture, is me, a mama of two, in my thirties, post divorce, pre second marriage. And the next one seems to be coming way too fast. Not of me… but the way I feel! Where did my size 5 body go? The one who could get up from the floor without using my hands? Just stand up like I watch my granddaughter do! What happened to all of those plans? The mystery of not knowing what comes next? Today, there are no surprises. It’s all a little like ground hog day. My dad came over for lunch yesterday, he said he was working on a Bible Study in Ecclesiastes so I thought I’d wander out of Psalms and take a look… And oh no! I landed right in the place that I was feeling in my life. Just reconfirming that we are not so different from the people in Jerusalem, centuries ago!

Ecclesiastes 1 5-9

5 The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. 6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. 7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again. 8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing nor the ear its fill of hearing. 9 What has been will be again; there is nothing new under the sun

You see? All pretty overwhelming, right? But that is exactly how I’ve been feeling. Is it comforting to know somebody else felt that way all those years ago? Sigh. By skipping ahead, I know that this kind of depressing tone is not the message, it is just this (King) teacher looking for wisdom and sharing what he discovered. We all should take the time to read that book too.

We are all going to to grow old but instead of resonating in our regrets, we can start TODAY to start getting to know our Creator because in the end…. I’m betting that everyone goes there to consider the meaning of life. While we are still able. But I think in conclusion, finding the joy, is about living in the moment and taking the opportunity daily to keep seeking HIM. It is about opportunity and as long as we are breathing, everyday God gives us the opportunity to use the gifts He’s given us and the depression leaves only when we start living for today! May I never stop seeking the joy and may I recognize it every time I find it!

Kinda Like A Recharge

In the past, “depression” has been a word that I’ve resented. Whenever someone suggested that I may be experiencing it, I have sarcastically pointed out that circumstances might have a lot to do with the way that I react to things. Though when I was in my twenties, I worked in a Psych hospital and have seen first hand the way that certain treatments have meant night and day for some patients who were diagnosed. In the early 80s I was invited to observe ECT treatments (Electric Shock Treatments) by a doctor who took me under his wing. In this case, the patient was a woman well into her seventies, who was almost catatonic, and lacked any emotional affect. I’d been the one to transcribe his orders and was very curious about this procedure he’d ordered. This particular patient had once been a well known actress in Europe, whose husband brought in a portfolio of her, back in her glory. It was hard to picture this woman, now just a tired looking old lady, as that once beautiful actress in the photos he shared.

I arrived at 6AM on the scheduled day of the procedure as directed by my doctor friend. The nurses seemed a little annoyed when I told them I was there to observe. That was until the doctor arrived and treated me like his special audience. He explained everything he was doing. As the patient was put under general anesthesia. They put something in her mouth and proceeded to shock her twice. It took all of a few seconds. I have no idea if they still do this procedure, because I was told, once someone has it done, it has to be repeated every few years. Kind of like a recharge. But I must say that I have never seen such a transformation! In just a few days, she was this vivacious older version of that woman in the portfolio her husband had shared.

Where once she was barely sitting up in a wheelchair, She was going out on the outings we organized to the local mall, dressed to the Nines, in high heels and full make-up! It was astounding and nothing short of a miracle! I wish they could bottle and sell what happened to her. I’ve never forgotten it.

So you see, when someone talks about depression, I’ve seen it first hand. In my mind, “depression” is an an organic condition that basically has you sleeping all day and not interacting or engaging in life. A condition that needs Electric Shock Treatments or at the very least meds. I on the other hand, get up everyday, do what needs to be done, clean house, work in the yard, engage with others, laugh at the appropriate times, you get the picture.

The only thing is, as I write this I realize, I don’t wake up happy everyday like my husband does. Though I engage when I have to with the people and friends in my life, I force myself to do a lot of things. And I have to wonder, maybe being depressed is not just being catatonic. Maybe it is also the fact that I have to force myself to just do those normal things. And maybe when you lock a door so you can cry on the other side, and when you take a breath and a sob catches in-between, and when it is just hard to find the joy anymore…. that could be depression.

Recently I’ve shared that I really have the need to have God speak to me the way I’ve been reading about. I have been reading Karen Kinbsbury books and I find myself yearning for the same voice the characters in her books hear. More than I ever have before and so I asked God to speak to me and a voice inside my head said, “Read my WORD.” And it has changed me.

Recently, A few of my sweet friends have taken my challenge to read Psalm 91 with me daily, for a month. So everyday I am reading the chapter and I have to say that it is “kinda like a recharge.” Though circumstances are still the same. I’ve realized, I’ve noticed the highs a little more than fixating on the lows. It’s funny how so much of the Bible seems to relate to the times we are going through today. Decade after decade, we fail HIM. Decade after decade, Century after century, He comes when we call. It’s just so amazing to me that I am just realizing it now. Please join me and read Psalms 91 this month. Anyone who reads this is invited to join us. I promise…. It really is kinda like a recharge!

I think my Guardian Angel must look like this…

In my quest to “hear” God, so far I’ve read Joshua, Daniel, Ruth and then I started reading Samuel and all of my last posts here, seemed to tumble on top of each other. Especially the one about Turning Over A New Leaf and all of the others that were holding me accountable. Let me just say that Samuel made me just want to skip to the New Testament when I saw it was over 30 chapters and there is a 2nd Samuel! But I continued to read and am loving it.

But THAT is my problem. I have been so lazy about really wanting to dig into anything that requires any real time. To investigate the facts, to really understand. But once you get past the names and places that I can’t pronounce, I am finding God’s messages to me specifically all over the place and I’m realizing that from the time I was a student, I got distracted easily. Even during a sermon, I’m embarrassed to admit, that I like the personal stories shared, but have tuned out when they’ve been applied to scripture verses.

I do believe that God appoints each one of us our own Guardian Angels and that they follow us through all of our mountain top highs and our valley lows. Our stupid choices and some good ones too. Mine must be weary by all of those mountain top highs I’ve been on, where everything was going to be different. Whether away at camp, around a campfire, or going forward in church and landing on my knees, or praying quietly in Sunday School or on my face, in the privacy of my room, alone with God. I am sure my Angel has stopped being excited about my metaphorical forest of leaves I’ve turned over and promises I’ve made to myself and God. Maybe why all of a sudden I’ve been inspired to paint these poor, tired looking exhausted Angels! It’s made me really think about this pattern I’ve been on. Once my daughter told me that when I write, I use the same formula. And that’s stuck with me since she told me that. Perhaps because it really resonated that it’s not just in my writing. But how I’ve lived my life.

All I know is… you can only do better when you finally realize what you’ve been doing wrong. So Here I go, still trying to find the joy, digging into Samuels… One and two! Until we meet again… I’ll check in after I’ve read them BOTH!

Finding The Joy… Continued….

This past weekend. I had an AHA moment. My husband and I were just starting our Saturday, out driving. I’d been home most of the week due to life’s circumstances and it was just nice to be out in the sunshine. I was just day dreaming out the window and enjoying the moment and realized I was happy. In that moment, in those seconds, I felt the joy and I recognized it. I love my husband. But inside that minute, I realized that I liked that guy sitting next to me. His integrity, his ethics & morals, his sense of humor and just him! I’m not sure “I” could say that about me. It’s sad. I know he loves me. I know he enjoys things about me. But if I were him. I’m not sure I really could say that about me. That I “like” myself. I feel that I basically see the negative in EVERYTHING. Well, maybe not “everything” and maybe not 100% of the time. But I don’t always wake up happy and I am annoyed easily. The glass isn’t always half empty, but it’s usually not always half full when I first look at it. I have to talk myself into being positive a lot of the time.

Depression is something I have fought, most of my adult life. I’ve resisted it because I feel that circumstances weigh into this condition. I mean negative things happen and it’s hard not to succumb. It’s not rocket science. If bad things happen, it’s hard for me to make lemonade, period. But having said that, I told you guys I was going to find the Joy and so on our drive this Saturday afternoon. I found it. Well, until some idiot ruined my mood. Okay I am joking now. But something really did happen that stole my joy and I let it.

So I haven’t shared something with you guys, but my in-laws moved in with us a while ago, and it has been an adjustment for all of us. But recently I have been reading the Bible in a different way and like I shared in my last post, I’ve really been wanting God to talk to me. I’ve kind of needed all the help I can get with my attitude. And I must admit, it has helped me a lot. That is, until I feel guilty, knowing I fall short a lot. Even so, I’ve been feeling Him and I am hopeful that maybe I can change. And be less negative.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, my mother in law fell and broke her ankle. She has been pretty tough and is braver than most. But it has been an adjustment for her to have to sit still and depend on others. Now I’d like to think that I am compassionate and can help where needed and not be as much of a brat as I think I am. And this isn’t really funny, but it is in a way because I feel God has a sense of humor and talks to me sometimes in ways only I understand. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and told her that my mother in law had broken her ankle and she said… “Oh no, are YOU okay?!” In that minute, we both laughed. That pretty much told me everything I needed to know. I AM that much of a brat. Sigh.