One time when I was about four years old, I had gotten into an argument with a neighbor kid and I came home crying. I remember my dad saying “That’s okay YOU get to go to the drive-in tonight!” For some reason I remember feeling that, THAT made it all better for me. I stopped crying, grinned and said “Yeah huh?!” And my day was perfect again. I can remember that day so clearly, it was a Saturday because my dad was home in the middle of the day and I can even picture where he was sitting in the living room of a house that has been followed by many more since.  It was so easy to fix my broken spirit back then. Not so much now. For one thing, I don’t have my daddy around anymore to make things okay again and drive ins are just a nostalgic memory.

It is funny because as kids we set up patterns for ourselves that we tend to follow throughout life. This memory makes me realize that I always have to have “something” to look forward to. Like a vacation, or an event, or just something happy. When there is nothing in the radar I can’t seem to be content in the present. And so I have been working on figuring out little quirks I have that have made me into who I am. How funny that in that one little lesson, my dad unknowingly set me up to always need something to look forward to in order for me to feel better about things.

I wonder how many other memories I have left to uncover, how many layers I have to peel back before I can relax in today. Sometimes I feel so alone. I can feel lonely in a room full of people. I can feel hopeless when I know there is so much to be grateful for. And yet I want more. Not necesarrily materially, but from people. The feeling of never feeling  satisfied kills me. I fear that these are the good old days and I am missing the whole thing by checking out of where I am right now. And yet I can finally close my eyes again and be in God’s presence in an instant. I can lift my praises up to Him when I feel far away and feel Him fill me. I know I am the one who moves away. He is unmoving. He is always right where I left Him.

I have realized that when the molding and refining hurts the most, that is when He is truly changing me. When I let go of my own will and fall before Him, He will find me where I am, in all my brokenness He is always there for me to run to and make things better, and remind me of greater things… far greater than any drive in or vacation I could hope for. He has a place for me in eternity with HIM and that is good enough for me.

  • He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense      and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6 (AMP)
  • ·         “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 

 

  • Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of      it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently]      righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22      (AMP)
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5 thoughts on “Drive In Days

  1. You seem to be zeroing in on why you focus in on either the past or the future instead of the present. This anecdote about having something to look forward to, the drive-in, seems very important. Also there is always this general dissatisfaction with feeling . . . dissatisfied. I have thought long and hard about feeling perfectly OK.

    I rarely feel just right or perfectly OK. When I do I just sit back and relax and do nothing, no motivation, no drive. When I’m hungry I move about and do something to get some food in me but I don’t do anything when I am perfectly sated. I often don’t like the moderately anxious state I’m in but it keeps me moving and doing things. Oddly, doing something frequently takes my mind off my nagging bug as if I am meant to be motivated, meant to be doing something.

    I don’t think people who accomplish extraordinary things always feel just fine and complete. I think something must be off with them to be driven to be doing things and accomplishing things. Of course I don’t know, but maybe your “bug” is a blessing motivating you to do something instead of just sitting there doing nothing.

  2. I am a loner by nature so I can relate to your feelings so well..Stopping to live in the moment vs the future is not an easy thing and is something I work on each day. Life is so mysterious at times 🙂

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