My first love found me on facebook. We had a rocky break up but lets face it you never forget your first. He was the first one who asked me to marry him. The first one that I really loved back. The first one who I cared what he thought. My very first everything. We were both young and terribly naive. We let pride and other people play us like game pieces on a board.

Our past hurts from childhood and life such as it was in the few years we had lived it, controlled our destiny. There was abuse and no matter how much I excuse it now as I understand my first love’s own childhood hurts, the things that happened mattered and they positioned me in my life for my future and my way of loving. I built walls where there shouldn’t have been and never let go in exactly the same way.

When I became a mother I was not prepared for the love I felt. It was like no other and yet I feel I didn’t really grasp motherhood fully until I had my daughter seven years later. Before I had her, I wasn’t sure that I could ever love anyone as much as I loved my son but other mothers were right… your heart finds room.
And with my daughter, my heart did not have to make much of an effort to make room for her. From the beginning we just seemed to “get” each other. For the first time, since that wall went up, I felt the wall finally coming down.

At different times in my life, pieces of the wall were able to at least be moved but it stood strong most of the other times. So you can imagine my surprise when I accepted my exe’s friend request and finally felt that wall come tumbling down. In the click of a key we were transported back to our youth. And I stood at a door that I viewed as an opportunity to a kind of a “Do Over.”  Or adventures to be had in the midst of a full fledged mid life crisis. WARNING: You can’t ever go back. There are no such things as DO OVERS.

Am I sorry I clicked the key? You might think that I should yell from the mountain tops a resounding YES!!! But in a way, I guess I have to say that nothing ventured, nothing gained….If I hadn’t taken the time to walk down the path of my past, I may never have been able to see the beauty when looking down the path of my future or just being able to appreciate how lovely the present truly can be.

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2 thoughts on “Facebook; The Click of a Key Rocked MY World!

  1. I find this entry confusing. The whole thing with your first love and how it molded you is stated but needs more fleshing out. I am outside looking in and all I get is a vague notion that it had a profound effect on you. But I don’t really get how or why in a way that leaves me blank and dissatisfied.

    I can’t explain why but the part about being a mother is powerful. I believe it. It works between writer and reader very much so. That your heart made room for your second child and you couldn’t see how it could beforehand . . . I don’t know how you did that but it comes through wonderfully and genuinely. I don’t merely believe it but I know it from your words.

    1. I guess I was just trying to weave the journey of love… first love, mother’s love… hurts and gifts… It was more of a rambling to myself.. Perhaps now you know the answer to your question … about the mistakes you said I am vague about. Really, I spell it all out here.

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